Every woman is a little different, of course, but I can give you my opinion. I've noticed you have been bringing up the subject of reaching the point where the two of you will be intimate again. I seriously believe that is normal for two reasons. 1) B/c you were the LBS, and 2) b/c most men seem to see having sex as "sealing the deal" (so to speak).
Will she initiate? A lot will probably depend upon her libido. When I started taking hormone replacement therapy, I couldn't believe the difference it made for me. The second consideration is looking at the sexual history. If she felt comfortable about initiating sex, then that's a plus. Previously, she didn't like to initiate, and perhaps you waited for her........and then you end up waiting on each other. That's what leads to SSM, in my opinion.
Men seem to be very sensitive about being rejected (women do too), and they start this mind thing, "I will never initiate sex again...... and if we have it, she'll have to be the one to start it". I understand why a H would get to that point. It hurts to be rejected. Women can reject the act of sex for many reasons......without rejecting their H, but I don't know that men see it that way. Several men on the board have said they saw waiting for her to initiate, was being kind & considerate to the feelings of their W. That's fine, except if she's the type who strongly believes the man should pursue.......then they have a problem. So.......you both will have to overcome those old ways of how you view it. I would encourage you both to speak individually to the MC, and read books about the opposite gender and how they think, what they want, and how they are geared, etc.
I can tell you a couple of things that could pass through her mind. If you don't initiate, she may wonder if it's b/c you can't put the affair behind you. She's having body image issues, so naturally, she'll wonder how much that plays a part. I know, it may not matter to you.......but if it makes her feel poorly about herself, then it affects her self esteem and that will effect how sexy she sees herself. When a W sees herself as sexy, then she will feel like acting sexy with her H. She may also fear your rejection, IDK. If there were an issue of ED, then she might blame herself.
I have often said about some some H's, that when he tries to make love.......he starts at the wrong end. Unless your W has a high sex drive, you will need to prepare her for the physical sex act by, first, making love to her mind. You said you had been flirting with her. That is great! Having fun together, laughter, and flirting is wonderful. One little trick that worked with me, was H and I talking about when we were dating. He would talk about how I looked, what he was thinking, how he felt when such & such happened (no bad stuff, just funny, sweet, or romantic). If you know her love language, make sure you use it.
From what I hear, some men have trouble showing physical affection.......without thinking it's going to lead to sex. And some can get a little ticked b/c they think she was leading him on, or don't see why she couldn't just carry it out to the end. Now, I don't have a man's brain, so keep it mind. I've heard women say that they won't show any affection b/c it always leads to the H pushing to have sex. If the W didn't want sex and just wanted a little affection......then she has to decide, "Do I tell him and then put up with his pouting and cold back for the rest of the night, or do I have sex even though I really don't want to"? Usually, the W has a reason......like being tired, stressed, or a number of issues on her mind. My H once said everything had to be perfect before I wanted to engage. If you call being worried that your kids can hear from the next room......then, I guess he was right. Women are a very complexed gender, and it doesn't stop with sex. Whereas, men seem able to tune out everything else, and have it anytime......plus, it's their answer for everything in the MR. .
Anyway, let me get back to what I started out to say. I suspect your W will have to really get OM out of her head more than she has so far, before her mind & body is ready to take the plunge. However, as I said previously, I don't know her sex drive. As for seeing crystal clear cues from her.......ummm....not likely, at least for a while. B/c sex was an issue before the OM was in the picture, I don't think it will be that easy, but that's just my opinion. I suggest that you ease into a conversation about it, or else talk to the MC, privately, and see if it would be better to approach the subject in a session.
I have to ask you, are you thinking of initiating sex before she leaves for her overnight this weekend? I kind of think the thought is hanging around in your head.
This weekend may be a milestone in her progress. As for what to say to her about it, I encourage you again to not "remind her" of all the things you want to say.. This will be a big test for you, Jim. If she should ask about how you feel or if you can trust her, just say something like, "I am so proud of how hard you've worked, and I want you to have a good time". If she pushes about the trust issue, you can say something like, "This may prove to be a test for both us, and if so, then let's hope we both pass with flying colors". (IDK, I'm not very good at wording things just right). If she asks what you mean, just shake your head and don't get pulled into a R talk before she leaves. And let me quickly add another thought about this. If she knows BFF is going to arrange for OM to be involved somehow, then her guilt of that knowledge could cause her to appear as if she's trying to pull you into a fight with her. If she just kept on quizzing you about it, then I would be suspicious. Otherwise, it sounds as if she just wants to check and see if you are okay with the trip.
When I was going through withdrawals, every night I would come to the board and read & post until I couldn't hold my eyes open. It would have been so easy to contact the OM on the computer I was reading & posting about DB. So, I am hoping that both of you will come through with flying colors.
I suggest that you make big plans for GAL this weekend. Don't wait until she leaves to start thinking about what you'll do. It would be good if she saw you getting excited about your own fun plans for this weekend. Can you get away and take a trip, too?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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