how important is it to let her "make the first move" in, well, pretty much everything?
Hmmmm, well you're in a pickle, that's for sure. I would like to hear what Sandi has to say, but given that you don't even know if you're in piecing then I would say it's best to assume you're not. I mean based on this:
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In sum, I guess, I feel like we are not QUITE "piecing" here, even though she has had, I believe, that bottoming out "dark night of the soul" and is more interested in working on us than in the alternative.
And this:
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Personality wise, she is a generally a very affectionate and physically forward person, who typically will touch, hug, lean in to, etc. other folks she likes, so I would expect such cues from her if she were open to it, but... maybe that's another way she has changed.
I would say that you're not there. She's not showing any physical attraction towards you, and not really showing much of an inclination to work on things beyond saying maybe it's not as bad as splitting up. I don't know if this is going to be Sandi's take, but mine is you need to assume you are not piecing and stick to DB'ing. Continue to make yourself the spouse only a fool would leave and keep giving her time and space. Sandi often says that the WAS isn't on-board with coming back until they show a humble spirit and I don't think you're seeing that yet.
If and when she does express interest in reconciling, then I would by all means broach the subject of sex with her. Tell her that intimacy is important to you and that you need to know she's on board with working on it ASAP. Don't get stuck in a sexless piecing phase like so many others do.
