Priceless advice, while I've read DR several times, and I thought I was doing good validating, I clearly blew it. Time to review.
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I'm going to break down the dynamic of outings w/ the "sister" in its own post... hope this might shed some light on my stance, if not, I'm all ears.
You don't have to agree with her, or support the behavior to validate. I think the above is what AS is trying to call you on: you're saying "I'm validating" and then cite an example of you doing the exact opposite.
You will not prove her wrong and she will not have an epiphany that you were right all along, and if she'd just listened to your flawless logic none of this would have happened.
This isn't about her. Not about her enablers. This is about you. That is all you control. NOTHING else.
I've got stuff written in dry erase marker on my bathroom mirror. It's changed half a dozen times over the course of the year. My current list is:
1. Your self worth is NOT defined by other people 2. Stand up for yourself 3. Moral victories ARE NOT victories! 4. By yourself. Always.
Writing #3 was a big deal for me. I'm a know-it-all by nature. I have been since I was a child. I'd kick ass on Jeopardy, unless every category was 18th century french literature. I'm really, really, irritating to debate with, because I have an answer for everything.
Ask me how useful that personality trait was in my marriage. Ask me how useful that was when separating, and I was trying to convince my XW that things weren't so bad. Ask me how useful that was when I was pointing out how bad she was at lying about her affairs, because saying A while doing X, Y, and Z proved A was a lie.
Hence my realization: moral victories are not victories. Being right is not a virtue in and of itself. Being right doesn't GAIN you anything. In this situation, being right actively HARMS your position. You're not winning, you're LOSING, and you're losing EVERY TIME YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH.
So keep it closed. Fight about things that matter, not about things that don't. Fight to improve your life. Don't fight so you can prove a point. I don't mean in your current situation. I mean in your life.
