How a treehouse can cost you your marriage 2

[Clyde]

Oh boy. OK, incoming 2x4 warning

No worries, I'm due for a few!

she became a WAS. You simply cannot talk her out of it, so quit trying.

Slipped again, seemed like the right thing to do at the moment... like I mentioned in the last post, I am starting to realize these convos seemed to be welcomed, so if they are not leading to R, they are just temp checks.

Absolutely the wrong thing to do. Read up on validation, because THAT is what you should be doing. Do you know what you did? You told her that her feelings were WRONG because of X, Y and Z. Your heart was in the right place, you were trying to lift her spirits up but you inadvertently dismissed her feelings in the process. Feelings are NOT EVER wrong, they are what that person is feeling at that moment in time. When a person shares feelings with you then you listen, validate and offer empathy. You don't tell them they are wrong, or reason or plead or explain or give examples. You just listen and validate. She says she feels she has no identity, you tell her "that sounds very frustrating, is that how you feel? I can imagine that must be very difficult to go through." You are not telling her that she has no identity (IE, agreeing with her), you are simply acknowledging her feelings. And THAT is exactly what women want from us. Listen. Understand. Validate. Support.

Priceless advice, while I've read DR several times, and I thought I was doing good validating, I clearly blew it. Time to review.

She said I have no reason not to trust her... she has never and would never cheat on me.

I told her that I know she would not intentionally cheat, but if she was to have to much to drink...

OK so what did you just tell her? She said you have no reason not to trust her and your response is that you don't trust her. How do you think that makes her feel? Because how she feels is everything, it's why you are where you are in your M. How can you change her feelings about you and the M?

I'm going to break down the dynamic of outings w/ the "sister" in its own post... hope this might shed some light on my stance, if not, I'm all ears.

Later I felt frustrated as it confirmed my suspicions as to why she gave up on the M. The first time she BD was after the "sister" was texting her that she needed to "get out of my grip", "don't let him control you" and so forth. Seems like her friends are more important than her family... sad.

I really don't think the sister is your problem. Your W has issues with you and the M and that's why she's a WAS. WAS's like to surround themselves with enablers and that's what her sister is. But if it wasn't her sister it would be someone else- a friend, a coworker, an affair partner. Enablers are pretty easy to find. It's easy to blame the enablers for your sitch but that's not DB'ing either. DB'ing is looking at YOU and seeing what YOU can do differently, and doing that. It's about making YOU the better option, the spouse only a fool would leave.

I hear you, I'm just having a hard time dismissing the text of my W defending me to the friends, proclaiming her love etc... only to have them tell her she was crazy.