She said when she took it she felt like our M was strained, and reading it helped her at the moment. I replied I got that, but why did you stop thinking like that.
Because she is DONE man! Here is the situation as it stands- she's been unhappy a long time, probably years. She tried in her way to communicate it to you and felt like you didn't listen. She tried lifting herself up through messages on the Internet like that, and talking to close friends about her situation, etc. Nothing changed and she got more and more frustrated until she reached the breaking point and decided she was done. Then she became a WAS. You simply cannot talk her out of it, so quit trying.
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I listened and told her wow - I did not know you felt that way... I reminded her of achievements she has made, what a phenomenal mother she is, those who look up to her, and that she had just graduated school and is starting a new career and what an accomplishment that is.
Absolutely the wrong thing to do. Read up on validation, because THAT is what you should be doing. Do you know what you did? You told her that her feelings were WRONG because of X, Y and Z. Your heart was in the right place, you were trying to lift her spirits up but you inadvertently dismissed her feelings in the process. Feelings are NOT EVER wrong, they are what that person is feeling at that moment in time. When a person shares feelings with you then you listen, validate and offer empathy. You don't tell them they are wrong, or reason or plead or explain or give examples. You just listen and validate. She says she feels she has no identity, you tell her "that sounds very frustrating, is that how you feel? I can imagine that must be very difficult to go through." You are not telling her that she has no identity (IE, agreeing with her), you are simply acknowledging her feelings. And THAT is exactly what women want from us. Listen. Understand. Validate. Support.
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She said I have no reason not to trust her... she has never and would never cheat on me.
I told her that I know she would not intentionally cheat, but if she was to have to much to drink...
OK so what did you just tell her? She said you have no reason not to trust her and your response is that you don't trust her. How do you think that makes her feel? Because how she feels is everything, it's why you are where you are in your M. How can you change her feelings about you and the M?
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I reminded her all the times I told her that if she really wants to go out in these environments I would gladly go with.
That sounds very controlling.
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I told her that while this whole issue was important, especially if she feels I am being controlling, I feel we both have our points, and that we should be able to come to a compromise, its not something to throw our marriage away over.
She's a WAS. You can't negotiate with a WAS. She is completely done. Quit trying to talk her out of it, that's the wrong approach and is counter to DB'ing.
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Later I felt frustrated as it confirmed my suspicions as to why she gave up on the M. The first time she BD was after the "sister" was texting her that she needed to "get out of my grip", "don't let him control you" and so forth. Seems like her friends are more important than her family... sad.
I really don't think the sister is your problem. Your W has issues with you and the M and that's why she's a WAS. WAS's like to surround themselves with enablers and that's what her sister is. But if it wasn't her sister it would be someone else- a friend, a coworker, an affair partner. Enablers are pretty easy to find. It's easy to blame the enablers for your sitch but that's not DB'ing either. DB'ing is looking at YOU and seeing what YOU can do differently, and doing that. It's about making YOU the better option, the spouse only a fool would leave.
