Journey to Acceptance

[Pax_luv]

Hi Coly,
Just popping in with support. Sorry you've been on the incesent loop. It's tough.

Peace offered you some great words above as well. Just keep the focus on yourself and your d. As hard as it is, you have to pretend that your h doesn't exist right now... Because truly he doesn't (at least the version you once knew).

Wishing you well!

[skm0619]

Hey Coly....

I haven't been on the boards in some time to update my sitch, but I have been reading along in yours.

I just wanted to pop in and say that I am sorry you are having some sad days I totally get it and I totally understand how you feel.

Please know that you are not alone in all of this. What you are describing is exactly how I felt.....and still do at times, just not as often. I tried to figure out what it was that I did to make all of this happen.....but I finally figured out that it wasn't me at all. And recently H told me that none of this was about anything that I did.....it was all him.

During the time when H and I were not communicating was the worst for me. My thoughts would run crazy!! And when I would speak to him, my emotions would do the same thing. At the time I didn't think what I was saying, feeling, doing or how I was reacting was wrong, but looking back now I did have expectations of him, I just didn't want to admit it. And when he didn't say, react or do what I expected.....watch out!!! Looking back on that time I wouldn't have wanted to have been around me either

I know it is hard to feel like you are the one who has to do all the right things, and say all the right things and to be the one who is doing everything with love in your heart, when you weren't the one who caused the separation. But like all the others have said, you need to dig deep inside and figure out what makes you happy and don't spend time on trying to figure H out. Don't change who you are to please H (I don't think you are doing that, but I'm sure it feels that way).

The hardest thing for me was the time between our communication. I didn't understand why he didn't want to see or speak to me. But it wasn't me, it was him that needed to figure all of that out. It was hard, but I had to step away from him. And finally I did that and it was the best thing I ever did FOR ME.

Just be you.....and there is no question in my mind that you are someone GREAT

I FINALLY got it recently and dropped the rope.....best thing I ever did.

Hang in there my friend (((Coly)))

[Coly23]

Own, Sotto, AP, Ginger, Peace, Pax and SKM. Thank you all so much for visiting and for your comments. Each one of you has given me something to think about and mull over.

I have reflected a lot over the past few days and I can see that my behaviour towards H has not done me any favours. If I was my H I would think twice about contacting me for fear of coming face to face with miss needy knickers over here!

Before I met with H for coffee I really psyched myself up to act as if, to ensure that I let him lead the conversation and to then walk away with no expectations. But I blew it at the very last minute. Why can't I just be strong and walk away?

Own, I think you are right. The pain I am feeling now is not condusive to having a no expectations coffee with H. But, I'm not sure about him reconnecting through D. He has always tried to maintain a relationship with her so I'm not sure he sees it as a way to get close to me. I just don't see the positives in the way you do. Idk, maybe it's hard to see the wood for the trees when you are in the thick of it!

Hey Sotto, yes, I can see now how I am repeating behaviours that just stand to drive H further away. I am so disappointed in myself, I really am. I think I just feel so incredibly hurt that he can just walk away and give such ridiculous reasons! I know H has always been susceptible to depression although he would never admit it, I could see some behaviours that indicated this throughout our marriage. I just chose to overlook them. I don't know if he has or ever will admit it or get any help.

AP! I have thought long and hard about how I have behaved in the past and I can see that I have so much work still to do to be a better person. However, as you say, I can't change myself for my H it has to be for me. Interesting about your stbx saying she was disappointed that you didn't like watching sport. Like my H surely she knew this when she met you and chose to accept this? Same with my H. He knew I came from a very female environment. Four sisters and I went to an all girls school, so my life was never influenced by sport ( my poor Dad!). Whereas his whole life was influenced by sport in some way or other and he had every opportunity to have a relationship with a sporty girl but he never did. So now he has just thrown it back in my face!

Hey Ginger. I look back and I think I behaved exactly as you did with being a little passive aggressive. I have always been afraid to ask for what I want and as a result I also let the resentment build. I am trying really hard to address this issue as it is a family trait and I can see that present in my parents and siblings. We all do it in our family to a greater or lesser degree. You are right though, he is the one who can't accept our differences. Why should I give up something that gives me pleasure, like gardening, just because he doesn't like it. I have never told him to give up his sport even though I am not interested. Lots of couples continue in healthy relationships whilst having seperate hobbies so I don't see that this should be an issue.

I have a little story which might explain how differently we see things. I have never been very good at running so I set myself a challenge a few years ago before I met H to run a 5k. I did it every year for several years and ran for a breast cancer charity. When I met H the first time he came to the race with me he dropped me off and then said he was going to visit at his parent's house and would see me after the race. I was shocked and hurt! I expected him to join in with all the other families and friends who lined the streets and cheered us on. But he said there was no point as he probably wouldn't see me anyway. The following year both me and D ran a 10k. He dropped us off and went for breakfast and again just saw us after the race. Fast forward a couple years H ran the London marathon and D and myself literally ran around London to catch a glimpse of him and cheer him on. Saying all this makes me realise that he has always had a selfish streak in him which I have accepted. But he can't accept my faults.

Thanks Peace. I really don't think I can trust myself to see him at the moment. I do think he has some unresolved issues but I think his whole family do. They are very closed and insular. They do not socialise outside of the family circle and I really do think they felt awkward around me and D. H's Dad spends most of his time in one room watching sport and his 49 year old sister who has never had a boyfriend let alone been married, still lives at home and sits in another room with their Mum. His parents do not go on holiday together, ever! Instead his mum and sister go away two to three times a year whilst his Dad goes away with his friends. His brother lives with his wife whome he has known since he was 16 and has two daughters. He tries to spend as little time with the rest of his family as he possibly can. Not one of them has reached out to me since this has happened. Instead a few weeks after BD I called his Mum to thank her for a gift she bought D on holiday and she told me she thought H seemed happy!

Hey Pax, I think it will be much easier than I think to pretend H does not exist because that is exactly what he is doing to me! I don't care anymore. Like you say, I just need to focus and me and D and not waste my energy on someone who doesn't want it at the moment.

Hey SKM. You are spot on with the my thoughts running like crazy! I do feel that it is unfair that I am having to do all the worrying whilst he just drops in and out of our lives like he doesn't have a care in the world! I realise that I don't know how he is feeling and off course there is always the chance that he might be depressed but I think the resentment is growing and that is coming across in my interactions with him. Best to stay away I think!! How are you doing lately?

Thanks ((everyone)), you all rock!! I am doing much better lately although I still have my moments. I had a lovely evening with my big Sister and her family tonight and then next week my baby sister is coming to stay with her dog as she has a week long course to attend nearby. I am really looking forward to having another adult in the house!

Clocks go back tonight so we get an extra hour in bed. Yippee!

[25yearsmlc]

Coly,

(( HUGS ))

I have reflected a lot over the past few days and I can see that my behaviour towards H has not done me any favours. If I was my H I would think twice about contacting me for fear of coming face to face with miss needy knickers over here!

What will you do differently, from this day forward?

Before I met with H for coffee I really psyched myself up to act as if, to ensure that I let him lead the conversation and to then walk away with no expectations. But I blew it at the very last minute. Why can't I just be strong and walk away?

so you only have to change the last 5 minutes of the time, correct?

-

Hey Sotto, yes, I can see now how I am repeating behaviours that just stand to drive H further away. I am so disappointed in myself, I really am. I think I just feel so incredibly hurt that he can just walk away and give such ridiculous reasons!


those are not the real reason. Stop asking. Seriously

I know H has always been susceptible to depression although he would never admit it, I could see some behaviours that indicated this throughout our marriage. I just chose to overlook them. I don't know if he has or ever will admit it or get any help.


Stepping back for a minute, removing the pain you are in for just a minute

how did YOU feel when he submerged into his depression or however it manifested?

How did it affect you?


AP! I have thought long and hard about how I have behaved in the past and I can see that I have so much work still to do to be a better person. However, as you say, I can't change myself for my H it has to be for me.

what is it you want to work on?


Interesting about your stbx saying she was disappointed that you didn't like watching sport. Like my H surely she knew this when she met you and chose to accept this? Same with my H. He knew I came from a very female environment. Four sisters and I went to an all girls school, so my life was never influenced by sport ( my poor Dad!). Whereas his whole life was influenced by sport in some way or other and he had every opportunity to have a relationship with a sporty girl but he never did. So now he has just thrown it back in my face!

do you honestly believe not being into sports was a big factor? Not just a justification he threw out when pressured? Anyhow, Back to what YOU want to work on in you,

how is that going?


Hey Ginger. I look back and I think I behaved exactly as you did with being a little passive aggressive. I have always been afraid to ask for what I want and as a result I also let the resentment build. I am trying really hard to address this issue as it is a family trait and I can see that present in my parents and siblings. We all do it in our family to a greater or lesser degree.


good insight. So how can you work on^^ this? I mean, do you have an IC to help? What would it look like to calmly say what you need, and be prepared to negotiate the difference?


You are right though, he is the one who can't accept our differences. Why should I give up something that gives me pleasure, like gardening, just because he doesn't like it.

why would you give it up? I mean, was it too time consuming? Did it really lead to you guys having 2 separate lives like his family?

How did you guys come together in the first place? What were you like when he fell in love with you?



--
I have a little story which might explain how differently we see things. I have never been very good at running so I set myself a challenge a few years ago before I met H to run a 5k. I did it every year for several years and ran for a breast cancer charity. When I met H the first time he came to the race with me he dropped me off and then said he was going to visit at his parent's house and would see me after the race.

I was shocked and hurt! I expected him to join in with all the other families and friends who lined the streets and cheered us on.

But he said there was no point as he probably wouldn't see me anyway. The following year both me and D ran a 10k. He dropped us off and went for breakfast and again just saw us after the race.

**assuming you told him it was important to you**, [/i]then he was selfish not to go. I mean, Not MLC, in this situation, just selfish. Sorry to be so blunt


Fast forward a couple years H ran the London marathon and D and myself literally ran around London to catch a glimpse of him and cheer him on. Saying all this makes me realise that he has always had a selfish streak in him which I have accepted. But he can't accept my faults.


well let's get back to you. Not him. What do you want to accept from him?

IF you began dating a man who acted this way, how would you view him?

Thanks Peace. I really don't think I can trust myself to see him at the moment. I do think he has some unresolved issues but I think his whole family do. They are very closed and insular. They do not socialise outside of the family circle and I really do think they felt awkward around me and D. H's Dad spends most of his time in one room watching sport and his 49 year old sister who has never had a boyfriend let alone been married, still lives at home and sits in another room with their Mum. His parents do not go on holiday together, ever! Instead his mum and sister go away two to three times a year whilst his Dad goes away with his friends. His brother lives with his wife whome he has known since he was 16 and has two daughters. He tries to spend as little time with the rest of his family as he possibly can.

Not one of them has reached out to me since this has happened. Instead a few weeks after BD I called his Mum to thank her for a gift she bought D on holiday and she told me she thought H seemed happy!

Ouch

fwiw, my inlaws have not reached out to me in the year since h and I separated. My FIL has been in my life longer than my own dad. I felt semi close to him and close to my stepMIL.

They are not the reaching out types and many families don't know what to do when a couple splits. They feel it would be seen as disloyal to reach out, at least not before the Div is final. At the moment I'm in an adverarial role with their son.

Maybe your inlaws (who sound really weird, tbh) feel that way. I would not take it too personally, given your description of them.

Of the 4 former spouses in my family (i'm one of 9), I stay in touch actively, with one.

And from what I hear, that's unusual


Hey Pax, I think it will be much easier than I think to pretend H does not exist because that is exactly what he is doing to me! I don't care anymore. Like you say, I just need to focus and me and D and not waste my energy on someone who doesn't want it at the moment.

Hey SKM. You are spot on with the my thoughts running like crazy! I do feel that it is unfair that I am having to do all the worrying whilst he just drops in and out of our lives like he doesn't have a care in the world!


here is the thing. You do NOT "have to do all the worrying." Nope. That's a choice you do Not need to make.
--
Clocks go back tonight so we get an extra hour in bed. Yippee!
[/quote]

Get through the holidays without expectations (though he may reach out for a brief touch & go). And take care of your D!

It's got to be rough to feel rejected by the two dad's she has had.

How are your GAL? I don't recall them and I think GAL will help you detach and that's your challenge for now.

((( )))

[OwnIt]

Good for you Coly, I think you are finding your path out. Remember, you don't know what lies ahead. You just can't be afraid to take those steps.

[Coly23]

Hi All, sorry MIA again. I have my sister here so I'm not looking at the boards as much over the past couple of days.

Own, 25. Thank you both for your comments.

25, thanks you so much for your post! I can't seem to quote in my iPad so apologies if it is a bit amateurish!

"What will you do differently from this day forward?"
I'm going to stop ALL the pursuit!

"So you only have to change the last 5 minutes of the time, correct?"
Yes, I think that is correct. I go through the whole meet up feeling confident light and breezy and when we are about to part I fall to pieces and start demanding things!

"Those are the only reasons. Stop asking. Seriously."
I know, I know but I just can't believe what he is saying to me. I guess I just have to accept that these are HIS reasons.

"Stepping back for a minute, removing the pain you are in for just a minute
How did YOU feel when he submerged into his depression or however it manifested?
How did it affect you?"
In all honesty, I always thought I had done something wrong. Throughout the years that we were together he would often say that he didn't feel like himself. That was often when we were going through a dry spell and he wasn't able to 'perform'. He would say that thoughts would pop into his head and that he didn't feel himself. I didn't ever pry any further because I was afraid of what he might say.

"What is it you want to work on?"
I think I want to try to stop being a martyr by taking on too much and then moaning about it. I definitely feel i need more patience. I can also be overly critical and I expect everyone to live to my high standards. I have definitely started to say no when I know something is too much for me.

"Good insight. So how can you work on ^^ this? I mean, do you have an IC to help? What would it look like to calmly say what you need, and be prepared to negotiate the difference?"
I don't have an IC but I have started to do this with my family. As I said to Ginger all my family behave in this way and I recognise that it is not healthy. In fact it just happened recently between two of my sisters and I brought if up to the sister who is holding on to the resentment against our other sister. It's hard to get her to see it is not good and in doing so it is helping me to reflect on my behaviour.

"Why would you give it up? I mean, was it too time consuming? Did it really lead you guys having 2 separate lives like his family?
No, I definitely wouldn't give up something I enjoy. But it isn't so much enjoyment as it is a necessity. We have a large garden but it doesn't need a huge amount of upkeep. We have a gardener to cut the grass and I like to tend to the borders. H resented the fact that I used to ask him to help me because sometimes I didnt have the strength or ability to carry out some of the tasks. I saw it as us doing something together, he just saw it as me making him do something other than sport or watching to...

"How did you guys cone together in the first place? What were you like when he fell in love with you?"
Well I first met H when I was around six months pregnant and he started work in my department covering my maternity leave. Then we lost touch for a few years as we didn't move in the same circles. Then we met again just after H and I split up. I think back and wish I knew about DB then because I would not have started a relationship with anyone so soon after we split. It is a harsh lesson to have learned but at the time my XH was acting like an a&& and I everyone said I should move on. At that time I knew H had never been in a long term relationship before and that he spent many, many years on his own that is why I don't think he will rush into another relationship soon. I think he just might just like being on his own.

**assuming you told him it was important to you**, then he was selfish not to go. I mean, not MLC, in this situation, just selfish. Sorry to be blunt"
Yes, I agree he was just selfish because I asked him to stay and he didn't.

"Well let's get back to you. Not him. What do you accept from him?
If you began dating a man who acted this way, how would you view him?"
Mmm, good question! When things like this happened I had two responses. One was to get mad or the other was to quietly accept the situation for fear of rocking the boat and let the resentment build. I was always afraid to come across like a spoiled brat who demanded her husband watch her whilst she ran a charity race! Now, I think it would raise a lot of red flags for me. I would like any partner to support me in the same way that would support them.

Thanks 25 this has given me a lot to think about. Not that I don't want to stand fior my marriage anymore but I am starting to see a number of issues that I swept under the carpet but that have now come back to bite me. I think the main thing is that my H did have an obvious selfish streak that I was willing to put up with.

I am dreading the holidays even more than last year. It's also D's birthday just before Christmas so it will be interesting to see if H raises his head above the parapet.

Yeah I think it is really rough on my D being the second time that is why I think she has closed herself off from H. However, I think her ego has been boosted a bit with her real Dad initiating contact with her at last.

Well for GAL, I go to the gym 3-4 times a week. I do lots of reading and I'm going to start learning how to make paper flowers!

Thanks (((25))) and (((Own))).

In other news. My horoscope for today says the following:

"If you look to one side of you there appears to be a large, immovable object. On the other, an overpowering force. Although they seem to be on a collision course, you still have time to act. You can move out of the way. Removing yourself from the equation is going to be your best course of action - and it's easier to do than you think. By decreasing your level of investment in a difficult situation, you can free yourself from drama. Don't worry about the consequences. You are entitled to move back today."

DETACH, DETACH, DETACH!!

Happy Monday everyone!!

[Coly23]

Hi everyone, just checking in.

Nothing much going on at the moment. Me and D continue to move forward with our lives, making plans for the near future. Thinking of changing my car if I can afford it. The car I have currently used to be H's so it will be good to get a new one. Slowly letting go of the things that remind me of him.

I've been quite low lately. Can't seem to shake this feeling. I'm thinking of having a bit of a break from these boards. I seem to want to journal less and less because it feels too painful to write the words sometimes. Even now I can feel my heart racing whilst typing this. I try to keep up to date with all your sitches and have been going through the archives too but it's making me sadder and sadder.

I don't know what will happen in the future with H but at the moment it seems very bleak. He obviously has his reasons for staying away from me. I'll never understand but I guess I have to respect his wishes. He knows where I am if he wants me.

I promise I'll be back but at the moment I just need to get myself over this hump in the road. I appreciate all the help you lovely DBers have given me so far. You have got me through some very dark times and I really couldn't have got this far without you.

Loved to you all. Tata for now... Xxxx

[AndrewP]

((((Coly23))))

[job]

Coly,

It is understandable that you need a break. We all take breaks from the MLC madness. It will be good for you to put your focus on you and your daughter for a bit, especially with the holidays coming up. Getting a new car should be fun and a change for you.

Please take care of yourself. The door is always open and we are here for you.

[OwnIt]

Coly,

We all need a break from time to time. When we are not actively moving these relationships forward they move at a glacial pace. Remember that time is for you too and you can make of it what you will. When he is ready to find you, he will. Read the seagull book. I think it will help.