Awkward Situation Got Much Worse (part 4 )

[sandi2]

Im going out tonight with friends to see a one night movie screening.

Great! I hope you have a good time.

[Tate]

Sorry that it has been a while since I posted....

I have been GAL more than ever before, and detaching to the point that it would not bother me if my W up and left tomorrow.

As mentioned, the coaching session really helped me focus my effort. BTW, the coach thought it was the right move for me standing my ground on using the living room as most people would.

So here is a new scenario that I wanted to get opinions on: my W was planning on taking the kids to their cousin's birthday party (the BIL involved in my wifes EA) out of town Sunday and staying the night at her moms house. She will leave the kids with her mom and head back home to return with me on Thanksgiving day.

We just found out tonight that my W's grandmother is very ill in the hospital. ...she may not make it through the weekend. My wife changed plans to head out of town with the kids Saturday now.

I cannot stay until Monday due to work, but I might head out for the day on Sunday...4 hour drive each way.

The real question is what would be an appropriate way for me to comfort or stand by my wife through the trips and possible passing of her grandmother? My wife swears she hates me and will not even let me touch her...makes it hard to console someone.

[Gordie]

I think you answered your own question. You can’t comfort her. She doesn’t want your comfort. If you want to be 100% sure, you could just say: I’m sorry about your grandmother. If there’s anything I can do for you during this difficult time, please let me know. The same kind of thing you might say to a friendly neighbor.

[joejoe1]

Tate,

You can comfort her by just saying, "If need a person to talk to, I'm here to listen, I hope your grandmother will be ok". Leave all the negative out of your statement. Dont say, "I know you don't want me to comfort you, but, I will be here if you need me".

Stay on the positive side. She might not want you comfort, but ahe might need it. One way love is developed is being there for a person when they need you there. You can still DB and be there for her.

Dont use this moment as a chance to try and win her back, but as a chance to be a ginuine friend and husband.

[Tate]

Thanks for the help joejoe1 and Gordie. The good news is her grandmother is doing better today.

My W was talking funeral arrangements, etc yesterday. I kindly suggested that she should not get ahead of herself. This seemed to annoy my wife a little, but it nothered me that she was already talking funeral whike her grandmother was fighting for her life. As it is, I am with my W and family now in another city with our relatives. Now that I am here, I will be attending the birthday party at my BIL house. I will steer clear of my BIL, but I really dont know how to respond to him if he talks to me about he and my W. I am annoyed that I am uncomfortable being around my BIL since he is the one misbehaving, so to speak.

[sandi2]

I will be attending the birthday party at my BIL house. I will steer clear of my BIL, but I really dont know how to respond to him if he talks to me about he and my W. I am annoyed that I am uncomfortable being around my BIL since he is the one misbehaving, so to speak.

WTF? Is that what you call an affair......"misbehaving"?

Have you and your sister discussed this? It just seems so inappropriate, to me, for your W to show up at your sister's house. That is blatant disrespect to you, your sister, and the entire family. There is no way I would let OW come into my house if she was having any type of an affair with my H. You should have thought more about protecting your sister and your family. IDK, maybe your sister don't stand up for herself anymore than you do.

To your knowledge, your W and BIL are still in an EA. So, let me tell you about EA's. They are much more than misbehaving. They are serious. I would be surprised if they have not been physical with each other, b/c they have carried this on for some time. And every time they see each other or contact each other in any way....it keeps all those affair emotions stirred up. Do you understand what I am saying? Your W cannot return to your sister's house for birthdays or holidays or anything else. Your family cannot pretend this is not going on. Their affair will never die if they continue seeing each other at these family events.

Going to your sister's home with your WW (who is in an affair with your BIL) will never get respect for you.

[Tread]

Stay the hell away from that house. And keep her children away from there as well. Does the rest of the family know yet? Man it's almost as if you enjoy this level of punishment and disrespect from these two.

[Tate]

Rest of the family does not know.

Wife will go with or without me...cannot stop her.

My sister believes her husband that he had no idea my wife was on a more serious level. He lied to my sister and told her he thinks of my W as a sister and nothing more. I know better.

[sandi2]

Has your W told your sister there is no truth in what you say about her and BIL?

If so, then you have two options, that I see. (1) Live out the rest of your life with a woman who can't stand you, and go to family events and watch her and your BIL make knowingly glances at each other.......and making sure they don't go missing at the same time. This option won't get better, and you will live in a sexless, loveless, and lonely life. Your W and the BIL will continue to feed their affair. He feels safe b/c his poor W believes him......while you feel emotionally emasculated by your WW. (2) Physically separate from your WW. Ask your family to respect you and do not invite her to family events as long as you are separated. Set up children schedule, don't support her, and get a life without her.

[Tate]

Tha family event thing is a sticking point. If my W was having an affair with some random guy, there woukd be absolutely no reason to tell my family.

In this sitch, my sister really did need to know. I did not want to involve my family, but as we see, my W will continue.

Basic resolution of the events thing is that my W and BIL stop all communication and only come to group events including the whole family...nothing over night. The only way to enforce this if my W Nd BIL do not do this is to tell whole family as I see it.