Fighting my way out of the dark - Part 6

[Holding]

Thanks for the humor! Y'all really had me going this morning with all the Airplane references.

I'm just saying don't make any immediate decisions based on being "done" (like push through D) right now because I think you still need a few months before you know whether you really are done. If you consistently think you're done for 2 or 3 months and you never waver from that, well then I'd say you really are done. But if you keep going back and forth then you're not quite there yet.

Regarding making immediate decisions and pushing through the D, I don't think I have any choice on that front. STBXW is pushing the case through, full steam ahead, and wants to get things settled so she can move out ASAP, hopefully by the end of the year. We will have mediation soon, and I need to get legally aggressive in order to stand up for my rights and come out of this fairly. STBXW has no intention of playing fairly with assets and debts. It's lawyering time!

On a related note, I just found out how much STBXW has in her retirement accounts. HOLY CR@P is she $crewed!

I tried to give this MR a chance. I put in my time to (foolishly) win her back. I think I did everything I realistically should have to show her that I didn't want this D. Maybe that drove her away. But I know her. She'll live with this doubt for the rest of her life. She'll put on a happy face for everyone, and maybe even remarry. But when she's lying in bed at night and she can't sleep, the doubt will crush her. She'll probably never tell me. My time of doubting myself is over. Hers is just beginning.

As a side note, WAS's and LBS's both have this feeling that D will make them "feel differently" about things. Like if they're not sure, D will somehow bring them closure. But D doesn't work that way.

Interesting. I know D won't solve the issues between us. But it will allow my guilty Catholic conscience to finally move on with my life. I won't be married in the eyes of God, and I'll feel free to pursue other R's, in due time. I'll still be a father, and I'll still have to set a good example for my boys. I have a lot of growing to do and I need to stop putting mental energy into this dead M (including the D).

I know it'll take me a while to heal and get over the D. I know I'll grieve and have some rough spots. I'll feel like an empty shell, and I'll have to re-discover who I am in order to refill myself. But for me, done means not trying to save things any more. I don't see myself looking back and saying, "I should have tried for longer."

But who knows? It's possible I'm fooling myself.

Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines.