My idea to separate has been an epic fail

[Caz49]

Thank you so much Nicole, I've been reading your story but I will go back and revisit.

I'm sorry you're in this position too, it's a hard and lonely road.

I think my H was happy with the status quo. He liked having the freedom during the week to work all hours then return here to be with the family at weekends. He enjoyed the weekends and although he didn't do anything around the house repairs, garden or such, he did always cook Sunday lunch.

I just always felt it was a pitstop, that I was a burden, the nag who wanted more and better communication. And the guilt I feel for speaking my mind or asking for what I want is tremendous. I always feel like I'm asking for too much and yet all I've ever asked for is more contact during the week, for my H to show he cares because I know he loves us and me included. Well I did but I'm not so sure anymore.

We had a period of being very loving towards each other but it was at the expense of me clearing up the past. He wouldn't allow us to talk about it without getting defensive, shutting down etc. Shutting down is his go to mechanism.

I'm not without my faults. I'm looking into this. Just when things may look like they're improving I seem to sabotage it with needing more too quickly because I feel so frustrated. I'm impatient. To be honest I really don't know what a normal marriage feels like...if there is a normal?! And maybe I don't know how to be a wife right now.

I think I'm going to take a huge step back but I need to stop making calamitous mistakes like sending texts that will make him baulk even more. I can go for weeks being strong and then boom, something happens and I send needy stupid texts. I'm a fool to myself.

As to whats holding me back, I actually do love him. I get so far like this recent separation and I have regrets. I don't regret making a stand this time, but a huge part of me wishes I could've done something within the marriage to improve it. But my own stubborn resentments got in the way. Although I talked and asked H for a better marriage, maybe I should've actioned for a better marriage.

I don't know, I feel lost right now.