Thank you all for the assistance this weekend. I did respond with a "Thank you; but I am out". I was actually out; got a nice dinner by myself and then went to a bonefire with some friends and family; so I did have a good night.
When I read her text "I GUESS I'll ASK AGAIN"....you guess? Like you are doing me a favor? It made me so angry. I do not want to be angry though; there is no room for anger in my brain at the moment. I wasn't raging or anything; just angry.
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
Holiday season along with her Bday r coming up toward the end of this month. How long does this process take, dang...I know there’s no answer for that just thinking out loud.
Is there any “Next” logical step in this process??
BTW; getting in touch with a new IC to work on my NGS; and also learning to forgive my W and release the resentment and anger (for my own personal sake).
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
Chris, why don't you block her? You have no kids, and there is no reason you have to put up with this type of cr@p. To endure this upsetting emotions every time she decides to take a punch at you, is your choice, but I think it would be healthy to get away from it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Is there any “Next” logical step in this process??
What do you mean by this question? IMO you have two options:
1. You go along doing what your'e doing and wait to see if her affair fizzles out and maybe just maybe she decides that plan B was not so bad after all.
2. You decide you had enough of her selfish BS and you file for divorce.
Both options suck, but one makes you look weak and one makes you look strong.
Sandi - if I were to do something like that; how would I know if she would want to reconcile? Would there be obvious evidence from her end? For instance, how would I tell from her invites to drink wine as a temp check or something more?
LH - I hear you. I do not want to split with this person though. It stinks...yes it does.
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
If she wants to reconcile, the fact that you have her blocked will not be an impediment. She'll find a way to contact you.
I respect that you aren't done, and that you want your W back. If that's truly the case (actually, even if it isn't) then focus on you. That's all you have control over. Be the best you you can be. Maybe it brings her back. Maybe it doesn't. Either way, nothing can take away from that accomplishment!
But you HAVE TO take your focus off of her. HAVE TO. Your mental health REQUIRES it.
Her invitations for wine are NOT attempts at reconciliation. I can tell you that from my experience. My W invited me a buncha times after we physically separated and I agreed to one of them to see what was going on.
They were nothing but temp checks and she got me good. It did nothing but add confusion to my state of mind. It was most definitely not a sign for recon. In my case I wasn't sure if there was an OM, but I had my suspicions. In your case you know there is/was an OM. I would definitely not take up her offer for wine. If I was sure my W had any type of A, I would've not even replied to her messages.
So, if she ever wants to recon with you, she will put in the work and you will know. These little invitations are nothing and there could be a million reasons why she's doing it - she is lonely, she wants to gauge how you're doing, maybe she does miss you a bit, etc etc. Who knows, but it's useless to dwell on those reasons because it is all part of her temp check.
Stay NC/Dark. Take focus off her and keep it on you.
Sandi - if I were to do something like that; how would I know if she would want to reconcile? Would there be obvious evidence from her end? For instance, how would I tell from her invites to drink wine as a temp check or something more?
I'm going to answer that question, but let me say this first. Do not go to her place.....period. You must stop thinking that every time she suggests drinks that she wants to talk about reconciliation. That's how you are set up for a big fall. She is temperature testing you!
How can you tell if she is legitimately wanting to discuss reconciliation? She will be humble. You will see it in her overall manner. How she conducts herself, how she talks, her attitude, etc. She can't be angry, hostel, and blaming you for everything........and feel humility all at the same time. If she is humble, she'll apologize for her behavior and will take responsibility for the M breaking up. If she's humble, she won't try to manipulate you. She won't play games. She won't tease you or try to get you into bed. She won't try to push you for an answer. She won't get mad if you don't do what she wants. If she's truly humble, she will not have a sense of entitlement. Humility in her is absolutely necessary before you should even give reconciliation a consideration.
If she really wants you.......she will find you and she will swallow her false pride and apologize and ask you to please give her another chance. She will not make snide remarks or try to make you responsible for what she's done. But right now, she's not ready b/c she's trying to manipulate you. She crooks her finger and expects you will go running to see what she wants. If you show up for drinks, she'll probably wiggle her a$$ a little..... just to raise the temperature testing. Look, I'm not making this up. I have read stories like this many times over the years.
If she's not humble, she'll try to play her games to see if she can tell if you want her back, without her having to tell you how she feels. In other words, she's trying to feel you out. That's what women do! She wants you to make the move toward her. But here's the thing.........a wayward wife must be the one to make that first move, b/c it is a big part of the work she has to do to get back on the right track. If you try to rescue her from that work, then you will mess it up for both of you. Your part is to have a poker face and not allow your mouth to start blubbering out a bunch of stuff. Just listen, and don't talk the first time it comes up. You tell her you (1) will have a lot to think about, or (2) you will need to see more change before taking that plunge. Stay calm, cool, and collected.......and then end it. If she's not showing anger and genuinely seems sad, then you can say, "Maybe we can talk again". If she asks when, just say you don't know......you'll just have to see.. Then end it. If she gets angry and snippy, then she's not ready.
I realize this may not be the speed you want to go. You might prefer going for drinks and leaving together that night. But I promise you that will not work. You'll have sex and by the next day, she'll start pulling back and playing you like always.
In reality, a reconciliation doesn't usually come with an invite for a drink. It takes much more than conversation over drinks. I have read a couple of cases where the H "thought" that was the plan, and they tried staying under the same roof for a while.....until he found out that absolutely NOTHING had changed in his WW. In other words, nothing had been resolved. Do not agree to go back to her when nothing has been resolved. Maybe she is no longer contacting OM........but the other issues that existed have not been resolved.
Personally, I don't think it can happen with having one long talk. After you go back together, the long R talks seem to stir more anger and/or the talks fade away. There needs to be a series of discussions before the couple finally reconcile. They need to start dating before living together. They need to get guidance from a professional M therapist, to help resolve issues and not to repeat the same mistakes.
You are so afraid of losing her. You must deal with that fear. It controls you. It causes you to accept terrible disrespect from her. You can't think properly b/c of that fear. Don't be afraid to block her. Couples were actually reconciling before phones and computers were invented. She may even have to use snail mail, but she'll find a way.
You can do it. You are getting stronger.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
