So today was a tough day at work. Got one of those jobs that can really get to you some days. The first thing that came to my mind was wanting to talk to W about it. So much for trying to be completely detached. Tough when your W was actually your best friend, before there was even a relationship. Which only reminded me that I am coming up on a year of DB. Over the past couple of months on this forum, I received some great advice. At times confusing but enlightening.
Perhaps I jumped the gun getting a lawyer and getting the divorce papers put together. Seemed like a good idea at the time. A way of growing the balls to simply move on. But today I recalled that my boundary was to give it a year if W wasn't messing around with OM. That I would be patient, while she we both dealt with this whole thing. Not sure if OM is still in the picture, but it seems as if W has moved onto potential OM2. Only confirms what I figured out about a little over 2 months ago. That this likely has nothing to do with me.
Like everyone else, I jumped through all the hoops giving my W everything she complained about after DB. We even continued to have sex more than before DB. Which I am certain she enjoyed. But it seemed that with me doing everything to please her, she would still contact OM. A man who contributed nothing to her life whatsoever. Which only made me doubt myself. The feeling of doing everything possible, but yet it simply was not enough. Even as I was losing weight and getting into shape, it still seemed not to be enough. OM was overweight and getting even bigger, but yet there was still this obsession that I simply could not understand.
And then there is potential OM2. Another overweight guy, with a long time girlfriend and three children. Seems like his sniffing around may have finally paid off after W moved out. The guy is clearly scum, but yet W is entertaining this guy. Currently I am in the best shape that I have been in over a decade. And now I'm starting to bulk up with muscle. Not to mention that I have all kinds of fitness goals that go well into 2018. And other things as well. I blamed myself for so long for my MR falling apart, but my W has issues that I have never been able to help resolve. So I accept that there is nothing wrong with myself.
Her weight has gone completely out of control and her friends are dropping like flies, because of her behavior. Friends and family have told me that with my changes I am quite the catch. And to just move on to someone mentally and physically better. But with the detaching I have done, there is still this small part that longs for my W. The part that keeps me from just filing the paperwork, because of some tiny bit of hope that likely doesn't exist. So I am honestly sitting here wondering what the hell is wrong with me? Created a boundary that has clearly been crossed. But yet can't do what is necessary based on the fear of making a mistake in MR that is already dead.
I have always considered myself to be very confident person. But at some point that went down the toilet and the A simply killed my confidence. And almost a year later that confidence has returned. Reading on sitches from people who have divorced on this forum, life clearly gets better. But the unknown is scary and yet I am a bit curious to what the future holds. The only certain thing is that S14 will always be around. And I am definitely glad that he will be returning tomorrow after school. Got a couple of activities planned for us. Not to mention that his has chores waiting for him, starting with cleaning his room...LOL
