Yes it certainly sounds as though there has been a change and I agree with AndrewP too..
It's good that he feels more of a sense of responsibility to the family and how things will unfold from here is unknown.
From what I read on the forum, it is always good to remain in your own groove for a significant period of time during peek outs/increased contact phases. Yes, you can offer a little more to him if that works for you - but own groove regardless - would be my suggestion.
And as Andrew says about the what and the why - spot on..
Take care xxx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I am very cautious because as you saw, i am easily triggered by him. After my outburst, i am the one feeling like crap.
My theory, which does not really matter, is: he feels pressured by time. We are slipping away and soon. Having your cake and eating it to?? Well eventually, there is no more cake.. 2 out of 4 children are off on their own.. one more this summer and the last one will be relocating with me.. gf' s 2 kids left and do not want anything to fo with them.. my own kids say they fight constantly and ex-h does not think much of her.. well, she is all he will have if he does not do anything.. This is the why i have come up with.. Maybe i am wrong but it does not matter.. as long as we do not get disrespected, abused or intimidated by him, i am fine with him been around.. My boyndaries are NON NEGOTIABLE.
I would advise him as to what your boundaries are and then stick to them. Don't waffle if he over steps...set him straight when he does over step.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So far, encounters are family related with no relationship talk.. just 2 people living separate life, sharing children.. NOT RESPONSABILITIES.. his contribution to responsability is strickly money.. Over seeing the kids needs is on me. He is trying to do a little, little, little bit more.. My boundaries : i do not hesitate to set him straight.. it throws him back into withdrawl.. but when he pops up, he respects them.. Sometimes, i wonder if it is not just a game of manipulation... actions and words.. He still has 2 stories.. one for me and one for the children.. when both stories meet, that is when things get ugly.. He is a stranger whom seem familiar at times.. The future is unknown.. our lives are what we make of it. I have my battles, he has his and our children have theirs. Overall, everyone has a pretty good quality of life when we look at the bigger picture and considering all each of us went through.
I love the way you are handling this. To maintain control after being forced to live a life on someone else's terms for a long while has to be empowering for you. Yours, like mine, seems to use money as a form of connection/communication. I
Me: Something you should know.. as of sept 29th, i released you from child support. The entire month of Oct. Was covered. This coming week would have been a paiement schedule.. if i receive anything, i will let you know.otherwise, you should have a full pay without withdraw.
You handle it as you wish.
I no longer feel it is appropriate for me to take it from you as my goal for the future of our kids has been reached. I want to thank you for your HUGE contribution.
No reply.. ( i thought )
A couple of days later, i asked if i was taken off his insurance coverage since nobe of my meds were covered.. again, no reply..
D17 received a text from him accusing me of doing everything i can to make sure he does not see the kids.. like always!! Arrrgggg.. yes, i retaliated:
Me: I am keeping you from seeing the kids?????? Faith was off last week end but you had plans with " a friend" Yet i am to blame??
Who decided to NO LONGER show up?
no, i was not home but the kids were. Yet, i was to blame? You get mad at me for doing everything yet i can' t rely on you. Bashing me will NOT give you positive result cause they know WHO WAS ALWAYS THERE and who said would be there....
I am mad and desappointed in you..
I wish you were in my shoes, doing what i do and threated the way you threat me...
Not " me " ... i should say me and the children.. they suffer your absence too
Again, to my surprise... no reply..
I figured he blocked me..
Then, i got the call i shared with you above. Kind and friendly. Respectful and gratification of my person.. ( very nice )
Tonight, i was cleaning my text messages and fail upon my spam folders.. surprise!!! Ex-h' s response were all there as of oct.19 And here i was, thinking he was very quiet with everyone and back into withdrawl.. hahaha.. i was wrong.
Oct 19th: ex-h:You're an idiot!
Oct 20th: If you think i'm going sit by and watch you move Sarah to a dive,shitty apartment in the sh!tty end of a city based on the wage of working at a grocery store. Your wrong!
Faith will be in college and on her own. Meaning it'll just be you and Sarah living in sturgeon falls and she'll be on her own when you're working. And you think you'll find a decent place based on the salary of working at a grocery store? Maybe where you're now but going to start somewhere new won't be the same pay.
You're stupid that have done that.! It's not all about you Diane . Like always
Now, his response about my insurance claim: You're still on there. And it was stupid of you to stop those withdraws from my pay. It's not all about you and how it makes you feel. It's about the kids and shelter over their heads and food and clothing and a decent place to live. You couldn't have nor can you do that on your own and it's my responsibility as well as yours to ensure they at least have that! And just so you know!! I could have done that on my own either!!! So stop being a stubborn pig headed person.. I couldn't have I mean!
For my e-mail about the visitation, he did not respond..
I' ve restored all of his text.. i do not know why i ended-up in my spam folder. Now,feeling inferiorated once again theough his patronising and name calling, i feel like blocking him fully and completely.. i hate feeling this.
Of course, i had something to say:
All of your text from oct 19th and on were in a spam folders for some reason... weird.. but for the best since you kept patronising me .. i am not stupid and yes, i work at a grocery store.. i' m a business woman, manager and very successful.. i might not make millions but i love what i do..
I was a great, loyal and devoted wife to you. I am a great mother and a very supportive friend when threated with respect.. You are our ( me and the children ) equal... not better, not worst.... just humain..
Quit looking down on us.
And no, it is not about me... it was never about me.. I always put myself LAST!!! and you know that.. my whole family is the opposite of selfishness.. ALL OF US!!
Last edited by job; 11/08/1711:29 PM. Reason: added spaces between paragraphs
This one i did not send... i will respond to him here for now on.... my frustration will be understood and safe here..
Me: It' s about MY FAMILY! You walked out on us. Decided there was more to life than the FAMILY.. justification for fouling around.. have you noticed that up until than, it was all about us?
Why is not anymore? Because you made it all about your new life..
Make sense hein??
No, i am not an idiot... you want 2 lives... or maybe just one but something would have to give... giving us all this money does not releive you of parental negligence. What gets me the most is you have never tried to make it up to them unless i would get upset with you.
You are a perpetrator playing a victim role of your own actions.you manipulate and set-up situation for failure and than claim innocence and blame us for your misery.. arrrrggggg... i could go on and on
Last edited by job; 11/08/1711:31 PM. Reason: added spaces between paragraphs
Another bit of the phone conversation that just came back to me... when he ssid he would always pay, he added, as his voice went soft:" unless i win the lotery"...
St that specific moment, i felt weakness in my body. In one of his suicidal moments, he had said if he won the lottery, he would desappear and not in the way i thought he meant... brought me back
Last edited by job; 11/08/1711:32 PM. Reason: added spaces between paragraphs
Every now and then we are all reminded that the dynamics that we had with our former spouses were not always unicorn f@rts and rainbows.
My STBX also manages a probably smaller grocery store but it also has beer and liquor adding on to the complications. She is a smart and capable woman and I was always proud of her accomplishments just like you are of yours.
One of the things that I say these days is "you don't know you were living under a cloud until you walk in the sunshine". I think we both realize that.
Oh - and I heard that there was a big lottery win in Ontario last week. I'm reluctant to check my own tickets until I finally get the signed separation agreement back.
Lol... well, my wish for you is to get this signed and completed soon so that this chapter can end and a new one begin.
Winning the lotery.... that would be a great new chapter for you.. lol i ratter have you win it than my ex.. ( it would not be a good chapter for us if ex-h won ) i would be a rich lady but with a constant reminder of him and his demons.
Like i said... i do not want the silver platter.. and i do not want him to think that because he is sooo generous gives him the right to control our lives..
My quote from bomb: "he left us but won' t let us leave." He lives his life but won' t let us live ours unless he agreed with it..
With that said... whatever happens, happens.. i chose living MY life with the people i love most, my children. No decision of mine is made without them in my mind.
