Fighting my way out of the dark - Part 6

[Holding]

LH, it's possible I'm fooling myself. The fact that I might be is actually pretty troubling. Why would I do that? What am I trying to hide from myself and why? Am I ashamed of myself?

You've commented on this several times with me, so please help me understand what you're seeing. Can you help me unravel this?

The M is dead. I don't see myself in a future R with STBXW. There's a fantasy version of my M, which I created in my head after BD. I'd like to get THAT M back, but it never really existed. As time's moved on, I've seen a staggering amount of selfishness, insensitivity, narcissism, and deception from STBXW. She's not a person I enjoy being around at all. She's not the person I thought she was. She's not a good person.

I miss the feeling of being in a committed R. I miss feeling like I had a future, like my life was on track. I'm afraid of the change this D will bring. I want my kids to have an intact family and not have to suffer the pain of D.

All of the reasons I could possibly have to keep this M are situational (stability and comfort in life for the kids and me). All of the reasons I have to abandon this M are because of STBXW and who she is.

This D has been crippling for my self esteem. I feel like there are two versions of myself here. My M is a burning building and there's the utterly destroyed me, lying on the floor in a heap. Then there's another person there picking me up off the floor, telling me I have to get out of here to save myself.

You said I'm still not done. You mention the tussles I get in with her. Does the fact that she makes me mad mean that I'm not done? If she accuses me of something and I stand up for myself, does that mean I'm not done?

She's held the reins in my life for a long time, and she's upset that she's not going to be holding them any more. I'm trying to break free from her control and kill my NGS. TBH, I do enjoy showing her that I'm standing up for myself. I do enjoy it when I can show her I won't be intimidated by her. Does that mean I'm not done?

For me, being done means there's nothing left to save, and I can move on mentally. Does being done mean being over this? If it does, then yes, I'll admit I'm not over this yet.