Fighting my way out of the dark - Part 6

[Holding]

When it comes to STBXW, I think I need to just repeat over and over in my head "SHUT YOUR MOUTH. SHUT YOUR MOUTH. SHUT YOUR MOUTH." Oddly, having given up all hope of saving the M has made me more relaxed around her and more prone to just say what's on my mind. I need to keep it to yes/no answers as much as possible.

6 months, yeah. One day this will all be over and we'll have a different life, full of new things to hope for. I try to imagine that future me and what he'd say: "It'll get better. You'll be happy. Hang in there and keep trying to do the right thing."

I have a lot of respect for those who can DB and stand for their M for years. Maybe I'm too prideful to do that.

[Btrow]

I noticed that as well. Maybe everyone is waiting until after the holidays to drop the bomb.

You are probably right. I wasnt really BD'ed. It was a bit more me dragging the bomb onto my face. XW clearly wanted to wait till after Christmas (1 year anniversary next week). I am sure of that as she asked to wait till after Christmas to tell the kids (I demanded she told them the next day as I couldn't continue living with that ghostzombie). So January will probably be busy here. Unfortunately.

[TBSakaJ9]

Well I might feel different in another 6 months. I also have no proof there is OM and if there is she not flaunting it in front of my face or introducing him to my kids. If/when that happens I am out. That aspect does make it easier for me to handle.

I agree less is more, better to keep your mouth shut. Your kids are young, you guys will be in each other's lives for a long time to come. It would be much easier to handle if you are civil towards each other.

I don't know if I can stand for years. I just take it a day at a time, doing things for me, moving on with my life and approaching it like we are divorced. Even if I was D'd I wouldn't be dating yet so I am really not doing anything different right now vs if my D was final.

Us technically being married still lingers in the back of mind but that light is very dim.

[doodler]

I noticed that as well. Maybe everyone is waiting until after the holidays to drop the bomb.

You are probably right. I wasnt really BD'ed. It was a bit more me dragging the bomb onto my face. XW clearly wanted to wait till after Christmas (1 year anniversary next week). I am sure of that as she asked to wait till after Christmas to tell the kids (I demanded she told them the next day as I couldn't continue living with that ghostzombie). So January will probably be busy here. Unfortunately.

Yep. I wonder if will see things spike up a little after Thanksgiving.

[Holding]

I just take it a day at a time, doing things for me, moving on with my life and approaching it like we are divorced. Even if I was D'd I wouldn't be dating yet so I am really not doing anything different right now vs if my D was final.

Good attitude!

Btrow and Doodler, I see what you guys did there ...

[LH19]

I have a lot of respect for those who can DB and stand for their M for years. Maybe I'm too prideful to do that.

IMO your fooling yourself. You are mad at yourself for not being done, but your'e not done. That's why you still get into these tussles with her. You wouldn't if you didn't care.

It's ok to not be done but stop trying to convince yourself and us that you are.

Dig down deep and figure out why after all she put you through that you are still not done.

[EastTN]

She said she'll no longer offer me an olive branch, and she'll only communicate with me via text and email.

So what was the olive branch? "I'll allow you to drive me to work so I can save cab fare?"

[Holding]

LH, it's possible I'm fooling myself. The fact that I might be is actually pretty troubling. Why would I do that? What am I trying to hide from myself and why? Am I ashamed of myself?

You've commented on this several times with me, so please help me understand what you're seeing. Can you help me unravel this?

The M is dead. I don't see myself in a future R with STBXW. There's a fantasy version of my M, which I created in my head after BD. I'd like to get THAT M back, but it never really existed. As time's moved on, I've seen a staggering amount of selfishness, insensitivity, narcissism, and deception from STBXW. She's not a person I enjoy being around at all. She's not the person I thought she was. She's not a good person.

I miss the feeling of being in a committed R. I miss feeling like I had a future, like my life was on track. I'm afraid of the change this D will bring. I want my kids to have an intact family and not have to suffer the pain of D.

All of the reasons I could possibly have to keep this M are situational (stability and comfort in life for the kids and me). All of the reasons I have to abandon this M are because of STBXW and who she is.

This D has been crippling for my self esteem. I feel like there are two versions of myself here. My M is a burning building and there's the utterly destroyed me, lying on the floor in a heap. Then there's another person there picking me up off the floor, telling me I have to get out of here to save myself.

You said I'm still not done. You mention the tussles I get in with her. Does the fact that she makes me mad mean that I'm not done? If she accuses me of something and I stand up for myself, does that mean I'm not done?

She's held the reins in my life for a long time, and she's upset that she's not going to be holding them any more. I'm trying to break free from her control and kill my NGS. TBH, I do enjoy showing her that I'm standing up for myself. I do enjoy it when I can show her I won't be intimidated by her. Does that mean I'm not done?

For me, being done means there's nothing left to save, and I can move on mentally. Does being done mean being over this? If it does, then yes, I'll admit I'm not over this yet.

[Holding]

So what was the olive branch? "I'll allow you to drive me to work so I can save cab fare?"

Yeah, when I read that, my first thought was "This is the crappiest olive branch I've ever seen! I can't wait to see what the rest looks like."

My takeaway is that my STBXW is a bitter, spiteful person. She knows that about herself, and she's warning (threatening?) me that the real her is about to come out to play. She wants it to be my fault that she's about to unleash the real her.

[doodler]

My takeaway is that my STBXW is a bitter, spiteful person.

Is that her love language?