Keep DBing, it is essential, that's the only way you will be able to find YOURSELF. It will help you to bring back confidence and serenity.
Living as roommates is a great way to avoid to have feelings/expectations when you are trying to figure out what you want (especially after all those ups and downs you have been through since January). You have been in pursuit mode almost no stop and trying to read his mind on a constant basis.
Also, it removes pressure not only on you, but also on him, since he has been reacting more than thinking those past 2 years, so having to figure out his own feelings/goals/future by himself without you trying to influence him might be beneficial for him too.
You are giving him the possibility to watch you become you true self without him having the excuses to justify his actions/words for whatever he does now. He won't be able to use your behavior and your words to "explain" his present decisions, so it means he will have also to act instead of react but you won't be the cause anymore since you are neutral. I hope you understand my "brainstorming".
But, it doesn't mean that you should drop your boundaries.
I totally get in when you said that you were feeling "neutral", because when you start to realize your own value and have your own expectations without no more compromises from your side only (thank you DBing), you start looking at your situation in a more objective manner and suddenly you realize that you don't need his constant validation anymore to be YOU, to be happy and to be desirable in the eyes of other men. Then you are starting to question yourself about what you allowed yourself to accept and how it destroyed you. You are in the process to have your self esteem back where it should be and it means reevaluating your feelings towards him. In plain language: "I am not ready to accept anything anymore just to have some crumbs of appreciation from you even if I still have some feelings from you, finally I value myself not in regard of what you think of me but in regard of what I think of me".
Take your time!
(((HUGS)))
Me 52+ WH 57+ Married 20 + Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
