Contact from the dark side.

[OwnIt]

Irish, you don't want to go to couple's counseling unless you hope to be a couple.

You said she saw your FB, did you by chance have pics of you and the new GF, perhaps with the girls on there?

This is really looking like a classic MLCer that sees that you have really and truly moved on and is scared.

I think you saw some monster because she didn't hear what she wanted to hear.

Definitely time to step back. You have been kind. You have been open. She is just not ready, as we all suspected. The time will come though.

[CaliGuy]

Irish

Reading along and nodding my head at what has been said. As far as contact I think you know what is good for you, and what seems appropriate. I would wager she emails you from work as you have already figured out her pattern, guessing OM is sensing a shift in her and possibly has been snooping a bit ... just a hunch there to explain her predictible hours of interaction with you.

Another thing that has jumped at me is the 'couple' counseling .. once you firmly shot that down she 180'd and then went mini monster and started projecting. The experience I had, along with a few MLCrs of the female variety is what was labeled as "Branch Swinging" where they will test the waters and ensure they can swing from the OM tree back to the LBS or vice versa, its like they need to have a safe place to land because heaven forbid they are alone and dealing with the issues that have caused the crisis. So that said as I was reading along I was waiting for her to lash out because in a way you telling her no couple counsleing was a form of rejection .... hence why she brought up all those things and mentioned your GF knowing that you have moved from where she left you and they do not like that. Mine has recently accused me of 'brandishing all the women I have been dating in her face and rubbing it in' .... like yours its false and more projection on her part as I am not currently seeing anyone.

As far as advice, I think you are doing well ... I would guess her next contact will be a bit softer as by now she must realize the hard approach will not get her closer to her girls and she can only blame you so much knowing this was the life she chose .. not you .. and certainly not the girls.

[Irish M]

Hi everyone

Can you see she is projecting herself onto you in both these quotes?

Hi Bttrfly, yes it's pretty clear. Sad that she chose the projecting tactic again. We all suspected it. I reviewed my FB and nothing says that I am in a couple and no lovey dovey photos of me and GF.

I would step right back and give yourself a break. And if she contacts you again, just let her know - I need a break from this contact XW. I wish you well and hope you continue with the support you are getting now. Best wishes Irish

Hi Sotto, yes this is exactly what I said more or less.

I think we need to step back again and let you work on you.

I would of loved to help you but I think everything was going too fast.

Have a good weekend

You gave her the truth..She says she is NOT giving OM up and you as a wise parent with full custody rights can choose to not want a drug addicted /lowlife OM around your girls
What is the hold he has on her?

HI Peace, No clue what she sees in the guy. Could be sympathy dating or just blind MLC love. They never pick anyone better than the LBS or even themselves. It's as if they need to take a problem person so they can fix them. And to chose him over her girls its just sick.

Yes I have full custody and my girls won't be sleeping in that mans house. His Facebook is covered in trashy woman pics and quotes on drugs. No respect for woman at all. Photos of girls that look no older than my girls in bikinis and short skirts, covered in tattoo and sexual content. He's a pig.

I have high hopes for her

Peace, I too have hopes for her but I am at the point where even that is fading.

Irish, you don't want to go to couple's counseling unless you hope to be a couple.

You said she saw your FB, did you by chance have pics of you and the new GF, perhaps with the girls on there?

Hi OwnIt
definitely no couples counseling. She is not the woman I loved and respected at all. Far from it. I think what I saw at the restaurant was a memory of her. As days go by and my brain processes it all, I see a lost soul. She has become her mother.

I would wager she emails you from work as you have already figured out her pattern, guessing OM is sensing a shift in her and possibly has been snooping a bit ... just a hunch there to explain her predictable hours of interaction with you.

Hi Cali,
I asked her in my last message Friday. Why the 8-5 messaging only? reply is down below

I was reading along I was waiting for her to lash out because in a way you telling her no couple counseling was a form of rejection .... hence why she brought up all those things and mentioned your GF knowing that you have moved from where she left you and they do not like that.

No they don't like that. It triggered something. Quite obvious the projection and even the disgruntle teen reaction.

This morning I wasn't expecting a reply.. Friday seemed clear and I thought it would be a few weeks. I was wrong, many of you were right

So there is nothing more I can do to try to prove to you that girls need me .. I am convinced I can be a good mother, But also I am happy with my decisions and stand my ground.

Yes I write between 8-5 during he week only, because I'm not available on weekends .. I take care of myself, I see friends, I do not even open my cell .. I take time for me !

When the girls want to know more they will contact me. It will not come from you because you will always prevent them from seeing me.

Good-bye


Nothing really to reply. Now , I'm sure she will be quiet. Let her spin a little with all that was said. As for myself, I'll take the next few weeks away from MLC land and enjoy the winter season. I am so looking forward to the snow. November without snow is just dark and gloomy.
Xmas decorations to prepare and maybe an early December trip to NY.

enjoy your week everyone.

Irish

[OwnIt]

How sad that a mother could say she wants to be there for her children then say she turns off her phone in the evenings and weekends for me time. I never turn off my phone. I never know when my children will need me.

You did great Irish in not taking the bait. You know she will be back.

[peacetoday]

She is convinced she can be a good mom but seems unwilling to even give an inch
wants the connection on her terms, not concerned with the possible ill effects of
her new life style with OM and how that may effect the girls
maybe that why the therapist Sid she wasn't ready because she is still in the hold of addiction

I wonder if the turning cell phone off is her party time to escape with drugs as well
It must be hard to be sober and be in a full on relationship with an addict
she might be getting just as high with him over the weekend

I think she needs more time
but maybe this meet up was a step for future change for her once she again FEELS the pain and loss of not being able to persuade you to see life her way and give her what she thinks she wants-her kids back
maybe she will then have to realize her kids coming back or not can't fix her

[CaliGuy]

Just have to love MLCrs .... mine was always a bit selfish but during replay like yours its "me, me, and more time for me". Had to chuckle how she is convinced that she can be a good mom but seconds later shows her hand how selfish she still is and how much work there is to do and ending it with the shot that you are the villian and the reason the girls will not see her, again feeding into what we all know ... she needs to bake more and own her own chit.

She is going to stew and process this a bit, no reply from you will speak volumes and reinforce how everyone else is moving on with life without her.

As Holidays approach the MLCrs will pop out .. I suspect she will contact you in a much kinder tone here in a few days.

[bttrfly]

RME.
She'll be back. It's just a matter of time.
You on the other hand, are a rock star.

xoxo

[Gordie]

I think it’s possible that there is no therapist and she is just saying what she thinks will get you to broker a meeting with the girls.

[HaWho]

Yeah, good luck to her with trying to re-enter their lives for the 5 hours/week she feels like it. Clearly she needs to turn up the heat in that oven.

Great job flushing out a temp read on her. As I have said before, you are a tank of a man!

[Irish M]

I never turn off my phone. I never know when my children will need me.

Hi OwnIt
I am the same as you. My phone is next to me always. I could be in a corporate meeting and if my kids call.. I answer. My partners know this and respect it. EX lied about not having her phone on. She posted so much after hours events on FB. Tagging herself. UNless she drags her laptop out in a bar. I think its OM time so no kids.

I think she needs more time
but maybe this meet up was a step for future change for her once she again FEELS the pain and loss of not being able to persuade you to see life her way and give her what she thinks she wants-her kids back
maybe she will then have to realize her kids coming back or not can't fix her

I agree Peace. She is not ready. Her therapist said it as well. This meet up wasn't a waste of time. I just kept the boundaries very strong. No going around them. Let her spin for a while and hopefully the next meet up will be followed by some real attempts to connect with the girls.

Had to chuckle how she is convinced that she can be a good mom but seconds later shows her hand how selfish she still is and how much work there is to do and ending it with the shot that you are the villian and the reason the girls will not see her, again feeding into what we all know ... she needs to bake more and own her own chit.

Hi Cali
Yes, very funny message when you look at how it was laid out. The key of it was to make herself feel good. I doubt she accomplished it. Me the villain, that has changed so much throughout this. Over the 2.5 years I went from ( in her words) controlling, manipulative, monster, jerk, @ss, f'ing Irish and then I was great dad, wonderful man, loving Irish, always there, supportive to back to controlling and manipulative. This has been a cycle of compliments and attacks since the start.

It is funny, all depends on her mood and if she gets what she wants. When she doesn't, the rotten teen personality comes out as well as the name calling. When she is in a good state of mind I am a great guy.

She'll be back. It's just a matter of time.

Hey Bttrfly :-)
yes, I'm sure she will .Xmas is around the corner and I'm sure it won't be a good time for her.
I truly felt her pain and anguish sitting across from her. Her mother and step father will be leaving soon to Florida for the winter. So she will be alone with OM. No parents, No kids and she doesn't see her sister at all. I don't know how she does it. MLC is so powerful.

I think it’s possible that there is no therapist and she is just saying what she thinks will get you to broker a meeting with the girls.

That's possible Gordie. If there is no therapist she fooled me. She said all the right things about therapy. Things my therapist told me when I was working on myself. Maybe she is doing the online thing or reading. Either way, her courage to meet up did impress me. 2.5 years and to be able to sit across from me took inner strength. Just not enough to run the entire 5 mile marathon. So no crossing the line on this one and she is sent back to training.

Yeah, good luck to her with trying to re-enter their lives for the 5 hours/week she feels like it. Clearly she needs to turn up the heat in that oven.

Hi HaWho
Yes, not a true attempt after so much time. I would be with them 30 hours out of the 24 hours in the day. Now, I cant expect that right off the bat from her but I did expect more. The girls told me their expectations and they are quite reasonible.

- Move closer to them
- No OM ( even no OM in the shadows) OM meaning this guy. Drugs and disrespect of woman on his Facebook. He clearly has no place in their lives and they won't accept him in their mothers lives.
- Therapy with them
- No drugs or Alcohol in their presence.
- No grandmother, she is dead to them
- Be available and make up for lost time.
- Talk open about what happened

I think this is more than reasonable and very easy to do. If she really wanted it.

hope you are all well.

Irish