Fighting my way out of the dark - Part 6

[Holding]

Dear STBXW,

19 years ago today, we stood on the alter in front of all our family members and friends, and were married. It was a beautiful ceremony and a great reception. We built a life, had 2 boys, moved, and dealt with life's issues as best we could. In the end, it wasn't enough for you. It was never good enough for you.

We're not D yet, but whatever we used to have between us is gone. The years - all the good times and the bad - are fading away like they almost never happened. All I have is 2 kids to show for it, and a pile of debt. I've also gained a lot of self awareness, but at great cost. And I'll have to see your face, which reminds me of all we lost, for the rest of my life.

Yesterday I offered you a ride to church (you can't drive yourself due to the knee surgery). You accepted. Before we left, I asked S14 to get ready, and he said he didn't want to go. I told him it was his decision, although I wanted him to come. When you found out, you yelled at him and then blamed me. We left him home and brought S10. In the car you told me I made a promise to God to raise him Catholic, and I needed to make him go to church whether he wanted to or not. I told you not to talk to me about promises to God.

At church I dropped you off by the door so you didn't have to walk far with your crutches. I sat with you and S10, because S10 asked me to. I wasn't as uncomfortable as I thought I would be. S10 seemed to really enjoy being there with us, sitting between us and holding both our hands. I hope the poor guy didn't get his hopes up. I shook your hand at the sign of peace. Afterwards I got the car and picked you up by the door. I don't think you ever thanked me for the ride.

When we got home you wanted to talk to me in the MBR. You blamed me for S14 not wanting to go to church. I agreed it's important for him to go, but I refuse to force him at his age. You wanted to talk about finances. You want me to pay all the bills for December, because you don't feel like being bothered with it any more, and you say you'll just write me a check to cover your half. I said I didn't want to do that b/c I don't think you'd pay me back. You got mad and asked why. I said I didn't trust you. You told me "F*ck you!" I said the conversation was over and walked out of the room.

I didn't see you again until later in the evening. You asked me if I feel like Divorce Care is helping me. I told you I didn't want to talk about it. You got annoyed and said you were just trying to have a conversation. I reminded you that you told me to f*ck myself in our last convo. You said "For someone who doesn't want to be D, you sure don't act like it." I said I wanted the D now. You asked why, and I said it just wasn't healthy for us any more. You asked me how long I felt that way. I told you there was nothing more to discuss, and I walked out the room.

This morning when I got dressed I thought about wearing a black shirt. I decided I wasn't going to let this D ruin my day. I wore a colorful and cheery shirt.

I didn't see you when I left the house. I'm glad. You'll be home all day, and if you need anything, a friend will have to get it for you. I will not be texting you or calling you today.

We had a pretty good run considering, and now it's over.