Leah, part 6

[25yearsmlc]

Leah

I'm glad you are doing what feels right for you. We all have to.

My concern is 2 fold; one is financial - and I implore you to double check what you think you know about the money situation. it cannot hurt and hey, this is the biggest financial decision of your life.

And the emotional concern I have is - as the L said, for you to work on with your T

(and us!).

BTW, do you have a T there? God, I'm not sure I could have made it without mine.

The L was wise to say that he's not your T. He will cost much more and not be as good at encouraging you to heal, or pointing out things you may need to work on.

The L will ask for financials and interrogatories and such...not fun at all...

So he said that hiring him means he goes all out. Do you not have ANY control over him? Interesting.


I won't pretend that filing for divorce was not a tiny bit to wake h up. Kind of embarrassing to admit.

Oh well, plenty of embarrassment for me to work on.

Hey, ((( Leah )))

[leahsue]

25,

Thanks for the points, and the hug!

Yes, I've had a counselor since a week after BD, and LOVE her. I see her bi-weekly and have made great strides in my own healing. She is very pro-marriage (b/c she asked me the first day what I wanted, and I said to save my M, if possible, as long as it did not become detrimental to me), but has actually stepped out there and spoken up when she thought maybe I should call it. Her main focus is healing for me, regardless of my marital state or outcome of it.

The money. There are no bonds, real estate, assets, etc. I have my own teacher retirement, and for the last 3 years, he has begun his own retirement/pension. We have no children together. I have an inheritance that will come from my Mama at her death, but it will come only to me as specified in her will. So really there is only present tense money that we have to deal with, and right now he is being very generous. The minute that stops, I will file. I'm on his (very excellent) health insurance as long as we are married. I can pick up my own (retired teacher-state) if we D, but it doesn't hold a candle to his. So that's in my best interest to stay on his as long as possible.

There's nothing more a lawyer can do to protect the money that we have coming in, unless I file and ask for alimony. Since H is regularly getting raises, if I DO need to file and am lucky enough to get short term alimony (L did say I would probably get a year or so, just until I can become gainfully employed again), that will be based on what he makes now. I believe his income will continue to increase. (He is 9 years younger than me and plans to work many more years.) I can begin drawing SS at 66 yrs 6 mo. (I will turn 60 in June 2018.)

For all these reasons, I think I'm better off right now staying legally married. My day to day life will not change whether I file or not, right now. But I do believe my finances will suffer.

I'm sure I could tell my L NOT to go for the throat, but his MO/reputation is to go for all he can possibly get for me. He made that clear also when we met in January.

So that's kind of a re-cap of where I am. Please continue to read and advise/throw out thoughts as they come to you. I very much value and appreciate the views of friends on here, not to mention the legal aspect of it from both you and Own. Sometimes it's hard to see the forest for the trees, especially when one is wandering around inside.

[cadence]

Hi Leah!

I haven't been on in a while and wanted to check on you. I'm sorry for your pain and tears, but you sound like you're in a good place and recognize that it's okay to not want to make a decision right now.

If you're still headed north for Thanksgiving, I'd love to meet you! I live near the airport you mentioned and will be staying in town for the holiday. So you let me know when and I'll be there

[leahsue]

Cadence!!! I've been wondering how things are going with you. Hopefully you posted on the other thread, and if so, I'll find out over there. IF NOT, I'll be coming back for some updates on you! Did you ever meet new guy FTF? Did that go anywhere?

I'd LOVE to meet up with you on my way through, even if it's just for airport coffee! As it gets a little closer, I'll get back to you with dates, times, etc and we'll see if we can work it out. HOW EXCITING!

I'm staying busy with this part time job, and doing my best to GAL. Not only to just GAL, but to actually ENJOY it. That's harder, I think.

I wrote this in my journal yesterday. It speaks a little to where I am emotionally right now.

It is nearing one year without the safety net of marriage, and although the pain still jabs hurtful feelings throughout, my strength softens the blows.
The pain is a constant ebb and flow of rain, rather than the hard, driving hail storm it once was.
It is not that time heals. I will always mourn the life I thought was mine.
It is that I am getting stronger.

[leahsue]

STRUGGLING TODAY.

I don't know why, except I know the stages of grief do not have clean margin lines, and I seem to have circled back to sadness.

I cannot stop crying. I dream all night, and wake up to a soaked pillow.

It's ridiculous. I was just thinking I wish someone could just reach in my brain and remove him, and any memory of him. A clean start would feel SO GOOD with no memory of him at all.

I'm not going to lie. I've had some DARK, SCARY thoughts the last 24 hours.

I am headed to work, so that's good. And the sun is out today, which helps. Yesterday was cold, hard rain all day, and that is NOT helpful.

If you pray, please send one up for me today.

[Gordie]

Praying for you today. Night is hardest for me because of the dreams and restless thoughts. Recently, I have slept with ultra familiar music where i know every word so instead of giving into the thoughts it’s like a lullaby. And those dark thoughts, acknowledge them here or elsewhere. Don’t bury them or they’ll just come back zombie like. I’ve thought them all.

[job]

I am sorry that you are having a tough day today. It will take some time for things to settle down and you are correct that grief does not have clean margin lines.

There were many times that I wished someone would wipe all the memories of my xh out of my mind too. What you are going through is very normal, so cut yourself some slack. Okay?

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

[Westo]

You are very much in my thoughts. You will be ok (((cwtch)))

[OC_Hope]

Praying Leah... had one of those days recently too.

Not every day will be perfect. But when those days come, keep asking for help

[Sotto]

I'm sorry you had such a rough day. It's difficult to feel grief like that, but as Job says it is perfectly normal and also healthy, cleansing to release pain and sadness in that way.

When I had days like yours I found that peace followed because I had released so much. I hope that is the case for you too..

Xx