Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 11, filing for D

[PsySara]

So an update, WH and I lived as roommates for the last few weeks and appeared completely comfortable with that. One night he came in the living room and started a relationship conversation and I kinda fell apart. I told him I had been doing a lot of thinking and came to an epiphany, WH told me on 1st Dday that he thought I would be just "disappointed" that he had a relationship with another woman. I told him that I was examining a lot of my behavior in our marriage before the A and found myself seriously lacking as a wife. I poured out my grief when I told him how I was reading a Gottman book in April '16 (before I started DBing) and felt a complete sense of helplessness as I realized how dis-engaged I was from our marriage all before Dday #1. I told him how I felt like a failure because I failed at nourishing our marriage and how he probably felt I didn't really love him. After all, how would he think I would just be disappointed finding out he was in a relationship with someone else? I said if I had shown the deep love I felt for him in the beginning, the constant "little things" then he would never have a doubt how I deeply I loved him.

Why did I do this? Because it was honest and authentic and I felt there was nothing left to lose if we were D'ing. The look of shock on his face was surprising for me. He answered slowly and carefully, like when you are talking to someone having a nervous breakdown. He said he was thankful that I was able to share that with him and that he felt we needed time to just try and be friends. I completely agreed and said I needed time and space to get my head on straight.

Today WH came to me again and asked if we could have a talk, I agreed. He said I had changed so much that he was always "on edge" waiting for the angry woman to return from Dday #1. He said he deserved every ounce of my rage but that he was not good at coping with it and sometimes he preferred to run away. He admitted this was immature and stupid and that he would work on it. He asked if we could continue to approach each other with our concerns and questions and keep it in this polite, gentle manner. I told him my goal was to be a more ACTIVE person than a REACTIVE person. He poured out a lot of his shame and deep sense of self betrayal but he was unsure if he would ever have "what it takes" to make it up to me. I told him I didn't want justice, I just wanted to see him make the effort.

The conversation was much longer and more involved but this was the gist. Overall we both walked away nervous of this new....something, not sure what it's called. He then sheepishly asked if we could go fishing together and if I could "play hooky" from Retrouvialle today. I agreed more because I felt I needed a break from all this "work" and just needed to be somewhere and NOT think. We spent 5 hours fishing and caught NADA. :lol: I came home relaxed, mildly sunburned and even my hair felt calm. WH keeps looking at me out of the corner of his eye and even touched me gently a few times. I feel...kinda...nothing isn't the right word, more like neutral? I've made it clear to him that I don't want physical intimacy from him as it confuses me and after all, we're just friends right now. He respects this and is not flirting or hinting.

So for now I am engaging the DBing techniques more for my own sanity. I am still neutral on whether or not to D or R. I am just sitting back and doing my thing. I will continue to GAL and focus on my kids, can't lose when I focus on them.