still struggling

[sandi2]

I don't want anyone to misunderstand what I'm saying here, b/c I often tell H's who have a WW not to finance her wayward lifestyle if he can help it. I believe there is a difference in facing consequences for my decisions and having someone else trying to emotionally pressure me to what they want.

I don't give financial advice, other than to say you should do what's best for you. Whenever you do something to intentionally try to pressure her into returning to the MR......then what would you have if she comes back? She will resent you to the hilt, and she'll figure out another way to leave you. It works much better to your favor if she comes back for one reason.........which is b/c she wants to save her M......and not b/c she's forced. If she's willing to save it, then her feelings and other issues can be worked through. If not, then you wouldn't have a MR anyway.

I think I can understand how easily it can be for a H to become controlling.......even when he doesn't realize that's what he is doing. I was raised in a time when men was definitely the overseer in the home and the workforce. Although we live in more liberated times today, I think it can be confusing for men to know where to draw the line between doing what's best for their family......and trying to control all aspects of their lives. I mean, his spouse and his children depend upon him in so many ways, and that means he needs to make wise decisions for the betterment of everyone involved. It's not an easy job.

How do I get her to reimburse me for these?

If your lawyer can't do anything to help, or if you'd be out more money in legal fees.......I don't know that it would be protecting yourself. Only you can decide if it's worth going to court or not. Personally, I don't think it's a wise decision to be in any financial contract/agreement with a ex spouse.

Should I not have said anything and just let the D proceed?

Are we still talking about the issue of controlling one's spouse? Perhaps it's the emotional frame of mind, but I see newcomers say things like this all the time......and it makes me want to pull my hair out. I mean, I only try to enlighten them on them on something, and they jump from one end of the spectrum to the polar opposite.
That's not staying balanced in the subject area, IMHO. For the record, I would not tell anyone to proceed straight to D without saying a word.......unless they just want the D. I would hardly classify it as controlling, but that's JMHO. However, I have seen all kinds of pressures placed on a spouse to stop an affair, stop a divorce, or a number of other things. As I've said, we can't "make" another person love us. Know what I mean? I think if my H said he wanted to D me for another woman.....I would open the door and show him the way out. I know if he had responded in like fashion when I was wayward, it would have snapped me back real quick. But that's another story for another time.

Anyway, I haven't answered your direct questions, but I hope I've cleared up some of your confusion.