Great update Benito! Congrats on moving back in together, sounds like you're officially piecing Your attitude is exactly where it needs to be, well done!
Quote:
"quick silly, your missing the game - you don’t need to say thanks I do it because I love you"
In other words she loves it and wants you do to it all the time That was very sweet of you! Obviously you could not have done this even as recently as a couple of months ago, but your recon is far enough along that it's OK and even welcome now. Nice job!
Thanks for the update Benni. Great to hear how things are going. What you mentioned about showing her appreciation really hit home. I know that I will do that in whatever R that comes in my life - just don't know if it will ever be with W, which I am okay with at this point.
Quick question: in the separation period, do you know if she dated or had any interest in anyone else?
At the very beginning of the process I was made aware of how her friends husbands treated their wives and how they were so different and they would never say (the things that I was saying to my wife) to their wife. So she was definitely having fantasies outside of us that’s for sure. Some say an emotional or imaginary fantasy are just as bad as a traditional 'affair' so there were definite signs. That being said, she was so lost and depressed that its obvious now that she was trying to find some salvation out of the inner turmoil she was experiencing and as I was the main source of that unhappiness - me out of the picture was obviously the best way forward for her. She was based at her parents so I am unsure what she got up to during that time, but what could I do about it?
Trying to control things got me into this mess in the first place so I just let whatever needed to happen just happen and focus on myself and hope that over a period of time the cards would fall into place.
I think the biggest issue is that the LBS actually believes that they have to find that magic secret to bring them back. When in reality, that does nothing but tell the WAS that they are being controlled and smothered again. It has to be a totally organic and free and open decision by the WAS to come back based on their wants and needs. For them to feel comfortable the WAS needs to feel attracted to the LBS again and feel in their heart that coming home is a better option than taking advantage of this fresh start they have in front of them i.e. (new beginnings, new career, new relationship). In the world that we live in i.e. with so many options for each person to start a new life again - Coming back to a situation they have left (that they were unhappy with) is a ridiculously hard thing to achieve.
I think the biggest issue is that the LBS actually believes that they have to find that magic secret to bring them back. When in reality, that does nothing but tell the WAS that they are being controlled and smothered again.
Benito,
I agree.
I had a professor that told us about an experiment that was conducted to with dogs. The researchers setup a two-sided fence (half a of a square enclosed fence). To get "inside" of the fence, all you had to do is walk down one of the sides of the fence and then it was entirely open; you could walk to the apex (the inside corner) of the fence.
The researchers put a bowl of food inside the fence at the apex. Then, they place a dog outside the fence. If the dog was merely hungry, it would just go down one the sides of the fence and go to the apex and eat the food. However, if the dog was starving, the starvation was so agonizing that the dog couldn't figure out how to get to the food. The dog would just stand outside of the fence looking at the food; starvation would override the dog's cognitive capacity so it would continue starving while it was pining for the food.
I think many left behind spouses are like the starving dogs.
I think the biggest issue is that the LBS actually believes that they have to find that magic secret to bring them back. When in reality, that does nothing but tell the WAS that they are being controlled and smothered again.
Benito,
I agree.
I had a professor that told us about an experiment that was conducted to with dogs. The researchers setup a two-sided fence (half a of a square enclosed fence). To get "inside" of the fence, all you had to do is walk down one of the sides of the fence and then it was entirely open; you could walk to the apex (the inside corner) of the fence.
The researchers put a bowl of food inside the fence at the apex. Then, they place a dog outside the fence. If the dog was merely hungry, it would just go down one the sides of the fence and go to the apex and eat the food. However, if the dog was starving, the starvation was so agonizing that the dog couldn't figure out how to get to the food. The dog would just stand outside of the fence looking at the food; starvation would override the dog's cognitive capacity so it would continue starving while it was pining for the food.
I think many left behind spouses are like the starving dogs.
I do have a read of this forum on a daily basis on my phone just to keep up to date and have seen my situation and the way that I handled it mentioned a number of times, so I thought it would be nice to provide you all with an update.
As far as we are both concerned things couldn’t be better. We have a very different relationship and both of us are very happy. Of course, it is easy to think "I have won" and drift back into a behaviour that would be considered 'normal' but this is a genuine life style change so it is something I work on a daily basis.
The biggest problem I had personally was the way I spoke to my wife when frustrated and how I was always willing to show how angry or frustrated I was with a day at work etc.. Basically I was able to affect her mood, by the way that I poorly handled frustrating situations myself. Because she was my wife, I believed that I could tell her everything and express my frustrations without any thought into how that was actually affecting her. The basic rule was "I help her.. So she should always be there for me" - It was like a marriage wasn’t a relationship, but more someone else to help share the load of a stressful and co-dependent lifestyle.
It transpired that my Wife was hiding a lot of her thoughts and fears from me, because she didn’t want to add to my problems and she was scared of my reaction if she did anything wrong. Not physically scared of course as it was never physical, but it simply wasn’t worth the hassle with any concerns of hers.. As it would be too much hard work to explain anything to me and it become emotionally draining for her.
To combat this I had to realise that I was very co-dependent. I was very insecure, took things for granted and could never make a decision.
My W is literally gobsmacked by my change in mentality and recently commented "The being a home finally feels like her safe place".
I previously thought this was my job to provide things and to help fix all of her issues. It wasn’t.
I help less now, than I did before. But yet, to her I am helping more now than ever!
Sounds backwards, but now when an issue occurs, I explain my thoughts and feelings, in a calm manner offer help if it is needed and then mentally step away. There is no reaction from me (stress/anger), I explain how I want things to go and why, but I leave her to make her own decisions. Even if it starts to go wrong, I let things go wrong. I understand now that it is not my problem to fix.. It is hers.. She was advised she had my help and support at the beginning, if she runs into issues - its her issue to fix. If after that, If need to step in, I do so without comment (i.e. I told you should have done it this way!!) and leave it.
Over a period of months, my W is now completely confident in explaining or expressing her feelings to me. She knows that she will not be judged, she will receive sound advise, and she is confident that we are 2 people supporting each other in decisions rather than one controlling as it is was previous.
Another example is from last weekend and shows its not all about being a submissive doormat but also expressing feelings about what you want with confidence. There was an issue that occurred during a recent trip away where she forgot something that she had been asked numerous times to bring. I explained my disappointment and that if she had put in into her diary on her phone, when I asked it would have reminded her. (she is a bit scatter brained with things like that). I explained that there really is no excuse these days with phones etc.. And moving forward while I appreciate that everyone can and will make mistakes, its only fair to treat it with the respect it deserves and just put in your diary moving forward. I got a heartfelt sorry, she explained that she understood, I was right in my opinion and she would be give more attention to details moving forward. This is not telling her off as I previously would have done. It’s the same message repackaged in a more adult and husband like manner.
Firm, not afraid of expressing my concerns (in a calm and respectful manner)and decisive.
To conclude where we are now - we have been on holiday, booked another for next year and have booked in numerous weekends away to look forward to and have Wednesdays nights off together as "date night". I know more about my wife now that I have ever done because she is not afraid to speak. That doesn’t mean everything she says is correct, but I acknowledge her thoughts and feelings, I action them if need be, and then get on with my life. Note "my" life. Because it is my life. Yes marriages are about partnership, but this will always be my life. If I do find myself 'alone' again. Although I certainly don’t want that to happen, I will be in a much better place to deal with it. When I start to let feelings of complacency set in, I quickly reset and get back to what obviously works.
Finally, I wanted to offer some practical advice in reference to people who are currently going through a separation and who are GAL and who are panicking and spinning around etc.. And are wondering how to fix things. The single most powerful piece of advise I can offer is - 'let go'.
There is an automatic need to want to try and "put things right" when separation is imminent or is actually happening.
Your intent is to fix. Your W sees this as controlling.
What you 'want' or 'feel' you should do is completely the opposite. Your situation is NOT unique. Just relax.
When we speak about the separation the one thing she says that brought her back home was "When we used to meet up, there was just something different about you, then I started to wonder what it would be like to miss the opportunity to have this new person back in my life".
Keyword = Wonder. (I.e. Interest).
This interest comes organically from you changing. Not looking over your shoulder hoping the WAW is looking. If you have to… imagine they have died. (sounds strong but it works), all hope is gone and they are NEVER coming back.
What would you do if you had to live life alone? - go fishing? Go to the gym? - Then do it.
STOP LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO SAVE YOU - NO HELP IS COMING.
STOP having your phone on your hip - waiting for a whatsapp or text message.
Do NOT try to ignore the pain. The end only comes by feeling the pain and accepting it.
My wife didn’t love me anymore and wanted a divorce. I had to accept it. Feel and taste that cold reality, cry if you need to, but feel it. It will subside.
I went shopping for new clothes. For me. I didn’t wear them and take selfies to upload to facebook so she would accidently she me in them. I lived and acted like no one was watching and no one was coming to save me. No pats on the back, no 'well dones', forget about gaining any strength or approval from anyone else - its all on you.
Never ever chase. Respond when texts come only if one is needed.
It might not be the same for you, but in my situation I never text first even ONCE. (different with children I am sure). I only responded. It was soo hard, especially when lonely or drunk, and sometimes 1 day of silence, turns into a week or longer.. But hang in there because you are NOT waiting for them.
Be warm, polite and then always be the first to end a call or conversation. Become unavailable.
In my case, after 6 months of this, I started to receive texts "What are you doing this weekend?".
Don’t get excited, Don’t mind read. Respond and tell the truth.
I went on dates and acted like she was my best friends wife. Nothing sexual, just funny, nice and courteous without expecting ANYTING back.
I went on 5 dates before we even mentioned our relationship because it didn’t matter. I was going to have a nice day out. SIMPLE AS THAT. No catches. No pressure. No desperation.
As I mentioned above, you might think that if you don’t show how much you have changed - then how will they know?? - It’s the biggest lie you will tell yourself because they really do see everything… so they will see the little bits that you think they don’t. Its those that make the difference.
Like someone wise on here once said "little consistent changes over a long period make the difference".
There has to be wonder for this to stand a chance to work. When you and your W met - there would have been interest, and wonder. The mind is a powerful tool and you need to keep yourself mysterious to create the wonder. Never expose everything about you no matter how loved up you may feel. With familiarity comes compliancy. Then boredom. Then lack of interest.
You are a strong independent person with wants and needs and choices. You are changing and growing everyday - you need to start to living that way.
Hey B, nice to see you around. I too lurk here but I just don't have time to formulate my posts correctly for others so I tend to avoid posting completely.
Nice update and I tip my hat to you, sir. You have changed, properly. You are now amongst the few lucky ones who get to reconcile when it was their goal, and end up building a much better relationship. Life certainly has a lot in store for all of us but doing what you did will end up making us happier regardless of the end result. I wish you all the best and Merry Christmas
Hopefully you still keep visiting, commenting and updating your situation, at least sometimes.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
Yo yo! Good to see you drop by Benni and give us an update. More than seeing where you're with your W, it's even better to hear where you're at with yourself.
Things are status quo with my W. She's loosened up a bit but I am pretty much NC/Dark as you can with kids. As you mentioned, I have let go and am just doing my thing.
Didn't see that this year would end like this or that I'd be here, but it is where things are at.
I am more calmer and focused on my stuff. I got at least six more months before I make any concrete decisions about where to go.
Keep dropping in when you can. I liked reading about how you handled the event with your W being scatter brained. I got the same situation exactly and I hope to navigate it well if I ever get the chance. Post when you have stuff to share like that cuz it helps a lot in informing people how to be confident, calm, decisive, and loving.
Your attitude is exactly where it needs to be, well done! 
That was very sweet of you! Obviously you could not have done this even as recently as a couple of months ago, but your recon is far enough along that it's OK and even welcome now. Nice job!