I just wanted to drop by to give you all an update on my situation.
My W moved back into the house 2 weeks ago and since then things are going very well.
She has quoted on numerous occasions that this is all she ever wanted.
'This' being me more open and respectful towards her feelings, my positive attitude towards life in general but also when don’t agree on something - we both acknowledge each others opinions and meet in the middle.
I have managed to nip the sly/dig comments to zero. For example, if I get back from work and the house is a bit of a mess despite my W working from home, rather than say "Why is the house in such a state when I left it clean? I have been working all day and the last thing I need is this to do!" - I simply drop the 'victim' complex, start to tidy up myself and within 5 minutes my W has come downstairs from the office, acknowledged that she has been a little lazy due to work, and she will join in and help and show her appreciation by being more affectionate and make me a special dinner or something to 'apologise'.
Its like I am getting more of the life I want and the things I need by not even shouting about it or making myself the victim about it. Just the fact that I have been so calm about it and just accepted the situation 'as it is' that my W knows how I feel without me portraying it and the situation passes without any drama.
It feels as if there is this new underlining respect for each other, which allows an unspoken conversation to be happening between us, where we are both aware of each other boundaries and things can be sorted or discussed without any blame or shouting.
She has openly communicated with me that her work life, money and organisation has gone down the toilet since she left 7 months ago. She feels like she never felt herself when she left and appreciates that a lot of her success is due to my help but had to take a stand and leave as she wasn’t happy. She says she is very lucky to have someone who was willing to have a long hard look at themselves and improve themselves with out blaming overs. She is more attracted to me than she ever has been before and my relationship with my parents has improved massively.
One of the things I have improved on massively after reading numerous books is to how to show my affection towards my W. I am not saying "I love you " every 10 minutes or being disingenuous, so I will give you an example..
I was watching football after work on the TV and she went downstairs to make dinner. She brought me up a beer and said enjoy yourself. I asked if she wanted any help and she said no its fine. In the past I would have thought "well I deserve this after work" and just let her bring up the finished meal and eat it. However, this time roughly 10 minutes after she went downstairs I thought "I have come back from work and she has been working all day herself and she wants me to relax with a beer while she makes dinner". I appreciate that - so I am going to tell her. I walk downstairs and hug her from behind and say thank you for making dinner I really appreciate it. I get a big smile, hug and kiss and she says "quick silly, your missing the game - you don’t need to say thanks I do it because I love you"
I realise that I probably never needed to say it, however after reading so many situations from LBS that regret not showing their WAS any appreciation it is definitely a trap that I will NOT fall into again.
I always have my eyes and ears open for moments to show appreciation to her and not take anything for granted. I don’t mean like a sad loser - following her around and telling her how great she is, but just a simple "thank you" or a hug as we pass each other in the house etc.. Makes the world of difference and living with someone who feels wanted, appreciated and respected is such a weird experience to be involved in. Its like "wow, maybe marriages can be happy and healthy after all!
Its weird actually as I have the relationship with my wife that we have both wanted. Being in the moment more often rather than being on autopilot 99% of the time is a strange experience but it is also rewarding.
"That’s her job" or "she should have do it" or similar are not in my vocab anymore. I take each day as it comes and give each scenario I am faced with the respect it deserves without the need to 'be right' or 'win'. The amount of time that I spent alone and detached actually 'changed me'. I mean literally rewired my brain. Previously, I was liked a coiled spring...waiting for a scenario to appear for example...an untidy house, to lose my cool and then tell everyone who would listen how unfair my life was and why everything was against me. How my partner 'put up' with that for so many years I do not know. The fact that isn't in my personality anymore is such a surprise to my W. You can see it her face, all those moments i.e. a bad day at work, gas boiler not working, breaking a glass - which would have led to me blowing up and creating a toxic atmosphere - are not there anymore. Its like a dream world to her -a place to relax with a husband who can control his emotions and is strong and confident in is wants and needs. Yes of course things will slip from time to time but with the complete different dynamic to the relationship - all disagreements are dealt with our tempers/moods at 2/10 rather than the usual 9/10.
Very happy thus far…
I just want to give people that are feeling down and out or lost in hope that things can turn round. But you have to let them go first. Things will always find a way if its meant to be and you are willing to accept some harsh truths. I was a lonely co-dependent person and my behaviour and general demeanour was not a recipe for a healthy relationship or marriage. Once you can get your own personal journey sorted then chances of a more positive outcome to your situation will increase greatly.
