As you know my SIL just had a baby boy; W began the call with "I just had to call because something has been bothering me and I think it was the last straw". She began to ask me if I reached out to her family after she told me her SIL was getting induced. I told her I texted her SIL right after the call. Apparently there were some complications and the baby and SIL almost didn't make it...W was livid that I did not reach out to any of her family in the 24 hours of her labor to ask how/if everything was OK.
Granted, nobody reached out to me either. She was crying because she almost lost (I am not sure how serious it was) someone in her family. She continue to explain; no matter what is going on between us; she would have never done that to my brother. She kept saying it was the last straw and she was so pee'ed off that I did not text them once if they were ok. No one from her family reached out to me to tell me any of this was happening.
I tried a couple of validating techniques by saying, "that sounds very scary, and I am glad everything went ok, and everybody is ok".
She said I was the first one she called when she found out SIL had to be induced, and she was mad at herself that she used that call on me. I kind of got a bit upset and said, "I am not a mind reader, how would I have known there were complications when nobody told me anything about that...Plus you [W] did not invite me down there (city where SIL lives) to be with the family.
At that point she kind of kept saying the same things; and that I did not give a chit about her or her family. I said, "do you honestly think I do not care about you or your family". Then started saying; she doesn't even know who I am anymore, that she thinks I HATE her because I have shown no emotion to her in three months, and she said I did what you said.
I began to say, "I told you what I needed from you in order to be available to you". She said, "I have done that". I said what have you done? W - "I made that person not a part of my life for three months now". That is when I said, "so you haven't talked to this person in three months..." She interrupted, "OK, like a month". I said, "you even still follow the OM on social media". She said, "fineeeeee I'll un-follow him".
I began to say, I is so hard to believe that you have stopped talking to him, because of what we went through in the past. I brought up the story of when she was texting him while we were standing in line at the airport going on vacation (back in FEB). She said, "I know I did that and I apologized and told you, it was harder that I thought". I said, "how can I believe that you stopped contacting him, can you show me your records"?
That is when the conversation kind of died down, and she went back to just being upset with me for not reaching out to her family during her labor. She said, "this is pointless, I have nothing left to say". We hung up.
So; I do not know what I should except tomrw...thoughts?
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
BTW, forgot to add. I did check the phone records a couple days ago, and saw she had a 50min phone convo with OM on 10/25. I have not checked since then though...
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
BTW; I did reach out to SIL right after I heard they were getting induced with a very long personal text message. Both her and the BIL thanked me for the words and said it was the nicest text they have ever received. And I meant every word of it. They both told me they would keep me posted. I told my W to ask them if I reached out to them (during the convo).
She kept going back to how she was so upset and peed I did not reach out. She even said she talked to her friends to make sure she didn’t sound crazy; and her friends obviously backed her opinion.
So.....did everything just get worse? I’m having a hard time right now dealing with this.
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
Would it be bad for me to text her with something like;
“From what your saying that disputation sounds extremely scary and I can’t imagine what it was like when you heard that news. I am so thankful everyone is ok. I feel you are putting all the blame on me because you sound upset with me for not reaching out to ask if everything was ok. I think because of our current states of mind; we are both at fault here...there was communication disconnect on both sides of the street.”
Or is that just starting the blame game. I’m not ok with her just blaming this whole thing on me. I know she is hurt; but I feel her words were aggressively blaming me due to some of her emotions with almost losing SIL and baby.
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
I hate when I realize what I should have said after we speak.
I wanted to say; I understand how that could have been scary ass heck when they told you about the birth complications; but I feel you are directing those emotions in the form of anger towards me and I feel attacks. I know what I did in the discussion was right. Your allowed to be upset with me, that is the beauty of life; I’m am just going to doubt myself.
- is that something I could still say?! Should I leave it alone? Sorry for the massive updates; heads a little spinny and can’t sleep.
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
Nope! Say nothing. She is still trying to manipulate you. This time, she pulled the guilt card to use on you. And, being the nice guy that you are........you start mentally backtracking and second guessing yourself.
PLEASE do not send your W any text or call. Leave her alone. She's angry, lying, and manipulating........do not get involved in her trickery. And, stop reminding her what you need from her to reconcile.
Chris, you really are doing a good job of holding firm. Just please don't believe what she says about you when she's trying to make you feel badly about something. She knows you so well, and she knows it will bother you. So, ignore it. She is trying to control you.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Take a step back. Look at the conversation you just had. Look at the evidence you have (on the phone for an hour a week ago). She is not NC, so why do you believe anything else that came out of her mouth? Why are you accepting guilt over something you had no way of knowing that may or may not even be true.
Thank you all. I appreciate the guidance and support. I did check the phone records yesterday night because I couldn't sleep (may or may not have been a good idea). But I did see she even called the OM right after talking to me. After she un-followed this person on social media.
I did not or will not contact her. It amazes me that throughout the conversation, I could just hear the selfishness in her words. She completely played the guilt card on me; and laid it on thick. I wish I could have responded a bit better; however it is obvious she is still wayward. This is unfortunate.
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
+3 on this one Chris....be still, don't do anything. IMO the WWS gets strength and confidence from the LBS every time we engage in R talks, gravel over them, let them know our feelings etc. If we continue to do it we continue to stoke the flames. If we stop, remove ourselves from the equation they can no longer feed their ego's from our energy. She is the hurricane and your the warm waters of the Gulf of Mexico. Let her make landfall and slowly dissipate.
