Awkward Situation Got Much Worse (part 3)

[25yearsmlc]

To doodler, yes, my W has done everything she can to destroy our marriage. For years, she has been distant...now I know it is from the EA with my BIL. I am not denying that I had a part in the deterioration of our M, though. But, you are correct in that she is the one running around having affairs while I stood by her side, loyal in spite of many reasons to stray.


I wish loyalty was rewarded the way we hoped. But it's the opposite. Please consider this.

And I'm not suggesting you "stray" but that you do not stay. There's a difference



To others saying I need to get a spine and get my balls back, what exact actions would you take? My W does not care one bit if I leave, which is the only thing I can ultimately do.

so, why not leave? You admit fear is keeping you in the house. You admit the r stinks and you admit the kids see this.

You seem to believe the reasons you are staying are to HELP THE MARRIAGE

but it's the opposite. Staying in the house is NOT helping the marriage. only by leaving MIGHT you later rebuild the marriage b/c only then might she learn to respect you.

That is what at least some of us are saying.

I have no problem acting counter to my W, but this will always end in bitter tongue lashings and more hate from my W.

then leave! Or what? Let her lash out b/c she can? How on earth is this a healthy choice?


She very calmly layed out a plan on her first divorce announcement to get our finances in order and D in a year. Upon her renig on D, she told me she expects me to leave at some point, knowing I will not be happy with her proposed partnership. She is more than detached from me...in hindsight, that is what she was doing for years going out of town with the kids when she knew I could not join them, eating dinner before I got home from work, etc. You are correct that she is cake eating.


So, she has been effectively out of the marriage for years and has been cake eating for years...and your solution is to be kinder to her.

How's that working out for you?


My plan upon her divorce announcement was become the man only a fool would leave. If my W kept up the EA, then I would leave.

But she's a fool. No change there.


The result would be that I am a better man, and my W would be missing out on that. With things backsliding lately, dhe likely will not miss me if I leave.


Well she flat out says she wants you to leave! So IF she's going to miss you, it won't be with you staying, wilt?

And meanwhile she'll curse at you and say she hates you, in front of the kids. TO force you to hear it, to show her contempt.

Short of physically assaulting you, what can get worse?

How bad does it have to get before you leave, AND OR file and get HER to leave? If you are the primary caretaker or half,

in some states you can file, stay in the home, and get a restraining order on HER. She is abusive.


My decisions are based on a couple factors: the way my W and I used to get along,

no time machine to go back there. (Believe me, I wish there was).

Another mistake many of us make, to our detriment and NOT to the benefit of the m,

is staying based on our spouses potential as a partner. Please learn from our mistakes. Stay or leave based on reality, not the hopium of them changing.

Because You're saying you want to stay b/c she might change.

let that^^^ fallacy sink in[/i]



my kids having two parents...

two parents fighting in front of them. The hatred she is spewing is toxic for them and for you. And it's not even good for her.

You really think the alternative is worse??



material assets...


okay so the money matters, as you like the material things and life style. Admit that and ask yourself how it relates to self respect. Mind you, I don't pooh pooh the life style but I will say up front, as the wife of a doctor, i bought into the false illusion that if I remained - my loyalty would be rewarded and all the sacrifices would be WORTH it in the end.


But he left anyhow, and that's after I invested another decade into the m.

Do not assume that if you stay, she will! I seriously doubt that.; I think she's biding her time.

Also if you were a woman in an abusive marriage - the advice would be clear. And saying it's abusive may embarrass you, but it's just reality. Period.

A woman in your shoes would be urged to leave asap, seek help, and file a restraining order so the kids don't have to witness this terrible model of behavior, and so you all could be safe..

you, otoh, are a man capable of earning something, and you won't be on the streets without any help with the kids (which more than half of women face when they leave abusive marriages')
you are not trapped. But given your goals, imo, your methods are not getting you there.


a little, and fear of the unknown if we separate/divorce.

fear of the unknown may be your biggest factor. But here's the thing.

A) I truly believe your w is going to leave you (sorry) and your choice to stick around for the way she treats you INCREASES the chances of her leaving, imo

(she probably does not like herself when she's a jerk, but blames you for bringing out the worst in her). So she is biding her time to leave. Shows no sign of wanting to work on things.

B) your fears if the unknown are unrealistic though understandable. You really cannot have things worsen. Your home will get smaller. Um, I lived in a 5300 sq ft house 18 months ago and have moved 3 times since. I"m in a condo I really like but it's smaller.

Easier to care for and I'm not getting hassled by h.

Your w will pay CS and some alimony for awhile. If you file - maybe you may be able to stay in the home for awhile

and then find a place of your own so that when she has the kids, you can GAL for real and though that sounds scary to you, learn to embrace it. We all had to.

When you face the real choice you have, don't make it into a myth.

You are NOT facing a choice between a "working marriage, returning to what it once was"'

VERSUS a terrible divorce with only loneliness on the other side. That's a false dichotomy

This^^ image is false in both sentences.

the reality - yes reality - is that your choice is to:

temporarily stay in an untenable domestic situation in which your children witness your w behaving terribly towards you, even by WAW's standards.

and it's a "marriage" in name only. One in which you are overtly disrespected and in which NO indication of her changing is apparent, let alone returning to the m you once had.

With your fears paralyzing you, you remain a target. And your kids are the audience.


VERSUS leaving the shore of persecution to get to the other side of this.

Overwhelmingly the LBSer who ventures out, reports back that on they are grateful for the divorce. Some wish they'd left sooner. The WAS's I know all - yes ALL- end up telling us later that, "dear God, yes it is so worth it. WAS did me a favor."

learn from them. Trust.