As I posted above we're in similar boats. I didn't quite read all of your past messages but I tried to read through them and if I understand correctly you may be a US-born citizen who became Muslim and your husband may be a Muslim with roots outside of the US. I apologize if I'm totally wrong! I just wanted to say that if your husband isn't originally from the US, there are certain cultural norms in the types of countries where he may be from where the husband really doesn't get involved much with the kids and doesn't show much romantic love to his wife after they start a family. Your husband may be just a regular guy acting according to his culture and dealing with things according to what he grew up seeing his father, uncles, and other men in society do. It doesn't matter if he's educated or upper class - my husband is from the Middle East and is a physician but said "men from my country don't change diapers" after we had a child. That was after years of helping wash dishes and doing many other household chores so I thought he was this moderate and Western-minded guy but obviously not.
That's not to say anything that's going on with your husband should be acceptable to you if he ever promised you more than that or if he married you acting one way and now acts another. But perhaps if my interpretation of your posts is correct and your husband isn't born in the US, and you are, then it may be of some comfort to remind yourself that your husband may be just a product of his culture. You probably did nothing wrong at all!
There is somewhat of a double standard in many Muslim-majority countries / cultures as you may know and some men may either get bored once they're married with kids and become reclusive at home or find excitement outside the home.
I don't want to write too much since I may be totally wrong but if I'm on the right track you may want to seek out women from your husband's culture / country and ask how they cope. It's also a possibility to get an elder man from your husband's culture to have a talk with your husband such as an uncle, father, imam, or any respected older man.
My husband already left and yours didn't, so there must be a reason why yours is still there. I can only say for me that even a dead marriage with a husband that comes home and goes to his room was much more comforting and predictable than being totally alone with a small child, but obviously no one wants it to be that way forever. In your case though it may make sense to think about maintaining stability for your kids and just learn to live in a detached way and forget about divorce and all the issues for a while and just focus on other things.
I'm not sure what the DB book says about that but given that you're not happy with any of the options perhaps doing nothing would be better than throwing your kids into a divorce and you yourself unraveling further. At least for a while...
