B: Moving out is a bad idea. This is my opinion only, but those kids need the smoothest transition you can give them. She isn't going to help you with this. She is incapable. This means you will have to find ways to distance yourself from your "room-mate" / co-parent. Is the house big enough for you to create your own space within it? Can you create your own man cave?
G: still thinking about this
B: I think it would be good to have a place to get away to maybe once in a while - can you stay at a friend's or just go rent a hotel to get some space once a month or something like that?
G: I have done a little of this but you are right. I should do more. I need a physical break from the crazy.
B: You're looking for the new normal and thats going to take a while to find. How are the kids? It came in waves for my son. I wil refrain from commenting on my opinion of how Princess Loontoonia chose to share this news with the children. Do the littlest ones know now?
G: older kids seem okay but more distant. I have tried to engage with them more but not being pushy. We decided not to tell the younger kids until we we are actually moving out.
B: And I am curious, were any of the children unsurprised by this?
G: older teen was not; younger teen was
B: If I have one major lasting regret it's that I didnt tell exh that I would fight his divorce tooth and nail and grind him into the dust in court unless he agreed to bring our son to therapy with me. Im not sure it would have worked but our child would have benefitted from going. exh wouldn't agree and I couldn't get son there without his help. I also didn't want to give exh the fight he so desperately seemed to want to re-create. But that, that was the one thing I wish we'd done, as it may have benefitted our son greatly. so, talk to the guidance counselors at school. let them know the kids will need extra support. find a family therapist. you'll need the help. she's off riding Aladdin's magic carpet, no help from Princess Loontoonia.
G: thank you for sharing. I have brought this up once and w thought I was insane because of course the kids don’t need help and that this will only be difficult for them if I make a big deal of it.
B: Nice screen saver. Geez. You may want to set some ground rules while you're sharing space. Take some time to think about what your deal breakers are. Approach it when you're ready and spin it as "we are co-parents, we both want what's best for the kids, we both need to move on with our lives, but need to be respectful that this house was our family home and is the kids' home." I would think you may want to say "I will not be bringing in overnight guests while we live here and I expect the same level of respect from you." or some such thing. I would phrase it in a way to make her curious about what you're doing. She seems to think she can do whatever and you will continue to be the rock you've always been. I think that needs to be challenged. I may be wrong - you may want to check to see if your coach agrees.
G: those are more good things for me to consider as we have no ground rules. Bleh, but can’t do everything at once. First, get the agreement signed.
B: She continues to leave me shaking my head in disbelief. You are doing so much better than you think. I believe that in the fullness of time you will come to believe that she's done you a favor. I didn't believe I'd ever feel that way, but I do now. I suspect you might in time also.
G: wow, that’s a really big thing for you to say of your situation...and mine, but you may be right. Hugs back to you.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Hey Gordie. Hang in there. You are doing a great job so far. Its a tough job but it is yours and you will love it. That job is being the best dad you can be. Let W go. She is lost anyway and is unable to be a good mother at this point. Your kids are young. Disney only mom will fade.
Like Hawho and you discussed. Her telling he kids with no empathy is part of it.
Quote:
H: And the way she just told the kids she didn't want to be married and walked out? That's the busted empathy chip you see in depression.
G: I was surprised by that but she treated it like no big deal to her. Why would it be a big deal to the kids? No emotion.
The empathy, caring, loving person you once knew is not there. That part of her brain is shut off. Depression is a dark place.
All I can say is be the best dad. Nothing wrong with Disney/Discipline dad. The kids will respect it. Sit with them. Let them talk. Don't bad mouth mom. Be there for them. Hug them and love them. Take them out more and call it Daddy time. In time they will ask for Daddy time.
Halloween. Plan it with your kids. If W shows up then OK. If she doesn't well still make it about the kids night. Traditions change.
It's all about the kids my friend. you will feel so great about yourself doing whats best for them.
I found it tough as well in the beggining. We do an annual camping trip since the girls were born. Same camp ground, same site. XW bailed in June 2015. Camping was July. We still went without her. Yes it was tough and I wanted to not go. Thinking I would be miserable. Well me and the girls stuck it out and did it. We have now done this for that past 3 summers. Us 3. and its awesome.
happy Halloween to you and your kids.
I know you got this.
Irish,
Coming from your experience, your note meant a lot to me.
We went trick or treating without w. All had a great time with friends.
Yes, I’ll have to get used to this. Let w go. Be the best dad I can be.
One day at a time.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I don't have much to offer on this beyond one small(ish) thing. After bomb-day and even before I found this place I set out some "ground rules / boundaries" with my wife.
One key one was that her guy was not to even set foot on our property. You may want to set similar rules out where you want nothing of her guy including his picture in the house. You can honestly say that it causes you pain. Hopefully she will be understanding.
Too bad you aren't able to swing by my house for Halloween. I've got candy plus rum for the adults - might be a bit of a drive. I'm working from home today as usual on Halloween and am already dressed up in my pirate outfit like I've done for nearly 10 years. I'm going to haul the sloop out at lunch time and decorate it up. No sails up this year because it's supposed to be breezy. Fingers crossed for good weather. Rain and possibly snow is in the forecast for this evening but not too much.
You've been doing an amazing job Gordie. As tough as it is to put one foot in front of the other some days, keep at it. When it gets too tough, know what the prize is. Healthy, well adjusted kids and the ability to look at yourself in the mirror.
If you can figure out how to take a break - perhaps a weekend away of your own - now might be a good time. One thing I used to do back in the day was to alternate between the two different kids to go Christmas shopping in the "city".
Andrew,
I can say that: seeing or hearing about OM2 causes me pain. She may or may not care Bout that, but at least I should have the balls to say it to her face. But first I need to get this settlement signed. And wish I could have celebrated H day with you!
Journaling (venting):
Of course, I just spent a lot of time and money to re write the agreement and now w is changing her mind about certain provisions. Now need another L meeting. W is now upset she will have less money after d (not sure why this is news).
W has been up and down all week: Sad telling me all about her regrets about her life. Sentimental telling me how much she loves and and needs me (in person and in text). The good news is that I am just tired of all her crazy so I am polite and kind but I really am more detached than ever about what she is saying and doing. The unapologetic R with OM2 helps with detachment.
Tonight she told me she is going over to OM2’s for another sleepover and I actually felt...kind of relieved that she was removing herself from my presence. On her way out she tells me I really do love you. I say nothing but want to scream: if you loved me you wouldn’t be walking out the door to sleep with another man. But as all of you have said, my words won’t wake her up from this mess.
It is still hard for me to believe all of this is really happening. The situation is at times beyond belief. I guess that’s the denial part.
Live in the moment. Let go of w. Try not to dwell on the past or future. Control what I can control: me. No moping. No snooping. Fake it until I make it. I’ve been doing better at faking it. One day I will make it. Allow myself to feel that anger and then let it go. Grieve the life I had and the future I will not. Thank God for my blessings: the kids, my health, my sanity, real friends who have supported me, my job.
Another thing that irked me but I was embarrassed to write here. When I told my mom that I am getting d, my mom assumed that it is my fault. Have you left the church? Did you cheat on her? Thanks mom!
Lastly, I have noticed more women giving me attention. Maybe I just never noticed before. Maybe it’s because I took the ring off. Maybe it’s because I’ve been working out like crazy. No matter, I’m not interested in another R now. I need to date myself for a while, maybe a long, long while. But I need to make that decision for me on my time. It bugs me that w keeps telling me to get a g f.
SBJ wrote that he is trying to find himself post d (while rooting for the Astros). Did we all lose ourselves in m? Did I lose myself?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Mine told me at one point to find someone else, then told me if I did that we would definitely be getting a divorce. Ignore her crazy. You have the keys in your post. I'm just writing to let you know how sorry I am. So glad that mine is not speaking to me at all (but crazy contacting my kids and bribing me with money). Oh well.
Stay away from women. Most guys seem to fall into that trap quickly. You can't take five kids on a rollercoaster ride. Get the agreement done, get her out of the house, and really work on you, your pain, and your kids.
we didn't lose ourselves. we simply put parts of ourselves aside for the relationship and the family. this happens. when you're working, married, and with kids it's easy to let aspects of yourself slide.
example - I used to love live music. stopped all that. now I enjoy going out to a concert once in a while with friends.
hey - before i had son i never went to a little league, kids' soccer, hockey or football games. as our lives change as couples and evolve as parents so too, do our interests. it's not about us anymore, it's about the kids. it's about the family. so personally, i think it's natural to put ourselves aside for the greater good.
i think with MLC, there's something that snaps in the MLCr. One day they are the loving spouse we've come to depend on. Next day, they become the exact opposite. These people are broken before they even met us. They're pre-programmed to self-destruct. We just don't know when the bomb will go off.
Regarding your mom - that's probably because in her generation it was usually the guy who walked out. Don't take it personally - hard to do, I know - factor in her generation's experiences. Even nowadays it's so hard for us to believe mothers would walk out on their kids, but we've seen that here with a few of our fellow LBS's.
So Gordie here's my list that saved my bacon when I was in the same place you now find yourself, much of this courtesy of Job:
1. Don't plan more than one week out 2. Do something physical - swim, walk, weights - every day 3. Keep it in the day/hour/minute - whichever you need at the time 4. Give yourself permission to grieve a certain amount of time every day - for me, it was during my shower. I could cry and lose my $h!t in the shower but had to pull it together when I was out of the bathroom and facing the family and going through my day
5. Stay hydrated, try to eat healthy foods, self-care, self-care, self-care for yourself and for the kids.
You got this. I'm sorry you're in this place. Keep your focus on the life you will have after this. Yes, it's not the future you envisioned. That doesn't mean it won't be something wonderful beyond your expectations.
xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
SBJ wrote that he is trying to find himself post d (while rooting for the Astros). Did we all lose ourselves in m? Did I lose myself?
Gordie, I know that the craziness is overwhelming at times. Please use that time to immerse yourself into the word. All the answers to our troubles are there if we simply ask God to show us the answers.
Your W...she may look like the same person you have known and been married to for 20+ years, but she is not. She is just the shell of the woman you married and love. She is not doing this because of anything you did or have done in the past. She has come to a point and is unhappy with herself. She thinks that there might be something out there that can fix that. She will be wrong for sure.
The fact that your w has put her and the OM's picture on your computers screensaver surely shows you that she is not in her right mind. I pray that she crosses paths with sanity for you brother, but for now you can only take care of yourself and your wonderful kids. It is up to you to be the strongest dad you can be for them. We love our kids more than life itself and now it is time for us to show it.
Your Mother...WOW. I'm not sire if you posted before on your relationship with your mother, but that is crazy. Usually the parent sticks with their child no matter what. If you think you need to for support purposes, you can sit her down and explain what is really happening. If not, sometimes ignorance is bliss.
Finding ourselves...I think what I have learned is that what I had done over the last 26+ years was to suppress my needs and desires to focus on what I thought my w needed or what my kids needed. I would do some things that I still enjoyed doing, but my life was centered around them completely.
On the flip side, I realized that in that same amount of time I never really tried to get my w involved in those things that I did to get away from it all...hunting, fishing, golf, camping, etc. I did those things either by myself, or with my brothers/friends. While she really did not express any interest in doing those things with me...I can't help but wonder how much fun we'd have had. Oh well, we can't ponder on the should haves. We should only focus on what is in front of us.
Become the man that you know God designed you to be. That sounds like a tall order, but you are fearfully and wonderfully made...it says so in Psalm 138:14 after all.
And by the way...the Astro's rocked it last night!
Peace be with you brother!
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Thank you for your thoughts and comments of encouragement.
1. Agree on advice to stay away from women. For a lot of reasons, that is good advice for me at this time. I need to date myself and my kids. No time for another woman.
2. Too late to prevent.w from introducing OM2. I’ll write more about that, but I find my current situation unbearable. I did ask L about it and he said it wasn’t enforceable in our state unless it was a danger to the children.
3. I totally agree that I put my own interests aside for the sake of w and kids and I didn’t mind this at all. I thought that’s what you were supposed to do.
4. Agree issue with mom is her own generational perspective. I choose not to fill her in because mom is a major gossip. Sad, but she always has been and I don’t expect her to change for me.
5. Yes, I want to become the man who God wants me to be. None of this makes sense to me. God’s will be done not my will be done. I just don’t see this as God’s will but maybe that’s my lack of faith.
Journaling:
I suspected w may have introduced OM2 while I was away with my son the other weekend. Well, today she did it again and the kids told me. I almost lost it but remembered that now is not the time as I need to get that settlement signed this week. Also “losing it” would change nothing. It took all my willpower to pretend but I tind her actions...beyond words that will not get censored.
I know it’s against the advice given by some wise souls here, but really think I have to move out once this is signed. I can’t handle being here any more. Until the house is sold could be a very long time. Until then, my custody time will be at the big house. I will see the children daily as w works in the evening even if I am sleeping elsewhere.
I’ve been struggling with the kids and church but I tried something different this week and it worked much better so maybe all is not lost on that front. The big kids have all chosen to stop going to church which breaks my heart but also know they are at the age of reason so must make their own.
Older kids who know have been opening up to me more. They are angry at w and me for the divorce. I listen and don’t speak negatively about w but what else can I do? I hate that this is happening to them and that I couldn’t bust this D. I reassure them that the D is between w and me and not between kids and me. I wish I had the words to say to soothe their pain.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I think you should move out. It was h$ll on all of us with mine living here. The kids are going to hurt and act out, but the calmer and more stable you can make their enviornment, the faster they will get over it.
I can't believe a mom would do this. She is just such a lost soul. You are right, what alternative is their to remaining calm. Your freakout won't stop her, it won't help the kids feel better, it won't help you feel better, and it won't change anything legally.
I'm so much in awe on how well you are handling this. I hope that you can move through it swiftly and find some peace in the near future.
Sorry again you're going through this. She is really out there in fantasy land right now. I'm sure your kids are sensing this and will keep coming to you. You're doing a great job being a rock for them. I'm glad to read they came to you to open up.
You will find well-deserved serenity once you're not in the same house, no more walking on eggshells and dealing with constant insanity. Just be sure to be fair to yourself.
You sound like you're handling this craziness very well. Stay positive and keep up the good work.
