WW in EA, NC w/OM(?), W's BFF interfering, part 7

[hoosjim]

25yrsMLC, thanks for the very detailed and thoughtful (and thought provoking) comments...

When you put "quotations" around your words, are you intentionally undermining the real intent or being sarcastic?

Two things I use a bit too often are parentheticals and quotes. Parentheticals because I have a perceptive mind that makes connections rapidly and the parentheticals allow me to puke that additional tangent out there without losing my primary train of thought. It's a blessing/gift in my profession, but can be a burden in everyday life where focus on the main issue is required or, say, when it would be better if your mind didn't "spin scenarios." Which brings me to quotations: I actually don't intend either of the dynamics about which you ask (undermining real intent or sarcasm). (See, I did it again.) (And there again, drat! ) My usage of quotations is another byproduct of my legal training. By and large, when I use them, I am attributing that word or turn of phrase to someone else-- sometimes because I am writing something in terms that I, perhaps, would not myself write it but at any rate which is the common parlance for that particular sitch. An example would be "completely over the OM". Other times it's just the use of a word that seems slightly off dictionary definition or slang-ish so I will use quotes, like my use of "dips" in the post above. Other times it just seems like the right place to put quotes, but... I do have to admit that I probably do it quite a bit more than is necessary or even desirable, and I can see, reading back over my posts, how it could come across as snarky or sarcastic, which is definitely not my intention.

exposing the affair to 3rd parties (not talking about confronting your own spouse)

is not in alignment with MWD's approach. You can disagree of course, but it's not a DB policy.

I am not in favor of outing (really wanted to use quotes there :)) one's wayward spouse to family, friends, others (and if I didn't make that clear, I apologize), or of otherwise shaming them (though I do think they ultimately need to feel such shame). I fully understand the defensiveness and rebellion dynamic, there, as well as the concept of "keeping the road home paved smooth."

My point here in responding to CW was more along the lines of I generally think it would be appropriate to see that the spouse of the AP found out about the relationship. Wouldn't even have to be openly... an anonymous letter or the like. Putting aside the fact that that other spouse has a right to know what's going on, it can certainly take the bloom off the rose of the A for the AP by bringing the A itself out into the open and removing some of the excitement/danger/mystery from it. I went through and reread the sections on affairs in DR and HFI and, while I found plenty on not confronting your spouse, laying down angry ultimatums, or outing them to friends and family, I didn't find anything counseling against outing the AP to their spouse. I suppose if you did it openly and overtly it could go against those tenets, but... it doesn't necessarily have to be open and overt.

And point well taken on examining your goals and motivations. All I can tell you is that the person I am now (not at the moment of DB, but right now) could not bring himself to continue to live with a spouse who was carrying on an affair. It's just too painful and hurtful... and not that's not a place I want to be living in. Too much good to life to continue wallowing in that.

if H had found out I was tempted and seeking IC to resolve this on my own... and exposed me to anyone, I'd have deeply resented the he11 out of him.

And I would have felt cornered, as if he was punishing ME for reacting to the solitude of our marital bed, caused by HIS career choice. I was lonely for a reason. And it was HIS behavior creating that. My loneliness was a direct result of his choices.

And I absolutely get and understand all of that. It is one of the weird paradoxes in my current thinking that I fully understand (and thank God constantly) that he has brought me down the path he did because I am reasonably certain it might be the only path that could have brought us to a place where reconciliation is a possibility. Like I said, W and were not even really what you would call friends. Roommates, at best, and ones that were fairly tense and testy and uncomfortable with each other at times. Back in January, at time of BD, she had absolutely NO reason to want to stay with me and all the reason in the world to want to leave. The kids obviously are and were a big concern to her, and MAYBE that would have kept her around no matter what but... If I had dropped the hammer on her and the affair at that point, and drawn that boundary right off the and said "it's me or him", and then confronted OM at that time like I ultimately did much later? I'm pretty sure that that would've been it for us. She wouldn't have been around to see my changes, we wouldn't have spent the time together that we now have spent reconnecting and rebuilding what is definitely a fun, strong friendship and which, here and there, shows some little romantic sparks (but still VERY little.)

Jim, if your wife really does "get it" and if you really do get it as to how she felt before the A...
(b/c as you said, you two sort of took turns doing the rejecting)...that's a big fat step. But in my experience, remorse can only be felt a certain length of time before it feels oppressive or like shame.

Not defending that^^^, just noting it.

I think Each party has to believe at some point the past will remain in the past and the couple can go "from this day forward."

This is the tricky part for me and W right now. We are trying to work on it, but... the spectre of the A is still there, the pain, the suspicion that pops up when she is gone (though getting better), the unresolved issue of her friendship with bff. And it is still hard for her to talk about a lot of that, and hard for me to know when "enough is enough" and we need to move on to other things. I certainly feel, no, scratch that, I know that I can and do forgive her, but... there's still a lot of stuff we need to work out.