25yearsMLC 10 Later I FILE D part 7

[25yearsmlc]

I feel better and I swear it's just sleeping 7 hours. (I'd LIKE 8 but 7 is a start).


yes - it was cash only and on the phone he may have said that, but I thought he meant no insurance. And I was willing to pay to see him once, just to get me to the guy who takes my insurance...

So I meet this doctor and he certainly seemed to know his meds. He was older, & sincerely condescending in a way meant to help "don't worry, I will help you, just follow MY instructions & you will feel better..."

The appointment ended and I was about to pay and leave with my CC. Then he said "cash only" and yeah, I almost laughed. I had to go to the bank ATM to get that much in bills. I have $3 spending money for this month. Yes, THIS NEW MONTH...

OTOH, it makes it easier to see how h could possibly do the same cash hiding, b;c some of the "cutting edge" medicine is not covered by insurance. But h's team is hardly solo.


Whatever, I'm not going to need to see that doctor again anyhow. I hope.

Just (sort of) funny. Um yeah Definitely hard to track his income...


KML/OWN in a nutshell - in my head, & half way in my heart, i believe h did me a favor.

I see how unfulfilled my marriage had become for ME. And my kids saw it even more.


I don't want h back. He cannot get a character transplant, and even if he could somehow do this with sufficient motivation, he wouldn't. He works very hard when he knows there's a certain payoff (like for his boards). Not if he could get an answer he doesn't like, such as when our kids might reject him.

So I say this with as much certainty as I can reasonably have after a 35 year marriage. We once had a beautiful thing. That's gone. Not coming back.

There are many good things ahead for me & in my life now. I am loved/loving, I do not "need" a man in my life. But there are good men out there interested, so there is no reason to believe I'll be alone if I don't want to be.

This^^^ is reality. I get it.

Yet I have moments wherein I detest that he gets away with this. If HE finds schmoopie a "better fit" than me, HER children more worthy than ours,

- i have moments at night, where that ^^^is just too much to accept. That's the loop.

In the daytime I reframe this^^. I believe with all my heart that he's lost the 4 people who loved him the most, he's a betrayer, we are better off, etc.

At night, not so easy.

((( )))