25yearsMLC 10 Later I FILE D part 7

[25yearsmlc]

had another really rough night. that's 3 in a row. I am WIPED OUT.

Woke up angry at h. Now, look, I totally get why I'd have trouble falling asleep with the divorce hearing coming up for trial setting

but I mean, I'm awakening in anger or panic. I'm walking my dog and BAM, my heart races and pounds and I get light headed but it feels like a panic attack.

WTF? Lots of potential explanations but meanwhile, I need to sleep better, more now than ever. It is a real health issue for me

Soonest I can see a shrink with my insurance is, literally a month from now. Seriously?

Or show up at the ER (uh, no thanks. Job hunt going on at the moment and don't want that experience).

SO i went to see an out of plan guy,=/ and paid a fortune in cash (KML, that made me more suspicious later as I pondered the lack of paperwork. Interesting.
[hey "Dear Doc, Don't tell the IRS"...?)

Got some anti anxiety stuff and ADs. At least if it's private pay, I don't have to write it all out for h to see, (in case)

and no, I cannot explain why I give a damn if he knows, but I do.

This^^ is part of the problem. I am not sure why I can't break this cycle, so I decided at 5am this morning that I had to see someone to help me snap out of it.

Of note, It's almost only the nights that are getting to me (yep, lowering that cognitive guard, harder to find distractions that won't wake me up, etc)

I used the mediation apps and they usually help a lot, but the last few days, nope.

Elle, it's of interest to me that it happens even though I'm cognitively aware that it's a cheeseless tunnel with a sharp painful side.

it's like there's a brain loop - and either the loop creates the negative thought patterns'

or the patterns create the loop.

Add in lack of sleep and side effects of previous meds/issues, and whatever else is happening, (like my life being up in the air)

and it's not a good recipe for my health. The neuro guy said that 10% of the population will have a single seizure in their life and more than half of those people will have pulled an all nighter the previous 48 hours.

We NEED sleep and can literally die of not getting enough

I'll let you know the results of the new meds. And yeah I told the guy about the medical history.

If I had not had a neuro issue last year, I'd probably have gotten on these months ago.

I thought I was doing well but sometimes seizures or middle of the night awakenings or
what seem to be weird panic attacks, remind me that at some levels, I'm still in a sh1tstorm. I don't have the money to hire a PI, I mean that, literally.

And we need to settle SOON but I have that sick feeling I'll be ripped off. So I need the meds to focus and do this GDC to the end...

And remind myself that this too, shall pass.

thanks for listening. It's good to journal.