Contact from the dark side.

[Irish M]

Hi Lt, Peace and Cali.
thanks as always.

well I will cut right to the chase. I met with XW today at lunch.

Early morning text to confirm. Said she was nervous.
I arrived a little early. Wasn't sure How I would feel so I wanted to get there to sit down and relax before. After all this is the first real discussion I will have with XW in over 2 1/2 years.

I texted her telling her I arrived. Got a reply immediately saying 5 mins

She walks in. We both take a quick glance at each other then look away. I sip on my green tea and she goes to get a coffee at the counter. She comes over with a smile. She sits down and right away goes into it. I will color code our discussion. generalized but the key points are there. Recorded the conversation with my iphone. Never can be too sure.

I really think this is good we are talking. Going against my therapist but you know what. I want to fix this with my girls. I need to be a mother again. I will make them my priority Irish.

First things first. Let's talk and in time I know the girls will want to see you. They do miss you but are very skeptical. I'm not sure if its a good idea that you don;t follow your doctors recommendations. You are planning to tell him we met . I hope.


Yes, of course. I tell him everything. He has in 6 weeks helped me see things I did not see or want to see. Right now he is helping me with the star alignment of my family. The roots of my family issues. Dating back to my grandparents. Says that what I did was very common and it causes so much destruction.

Destruction you say. I am really glad you are talking to someone about it and working on it. This is a huge step and it shows your strength. Your dad would be happy.

I don't want to talk about him. He's gone.

ok, it's about the girls. ( this is where I just update her on some of the girls life events she had missed and current situation with them.)

She replies some things that she was foggy on. The first year to her is foggy, Still not sure on things I said or she said.

I remind her of D15 health scare. and D17 court case with the predator. She looks away and crosses her arms.

You know Irish. The girls are and were with you. I knew they were safe. That you had them as number 1. I didn't feel the need to be there.

Why did you never ask how they were?

You know . you are right. I should have. I just knew they were ok with you.


And why didn't your mom ever reach out?

My mom is my mom. I know she is not perfect. She is living with her consequences. In time I hope the girls will see her too.

You know Irish. When I left and the girls got mad. I knew they wouldn't live with me.

XW, you are wrong. they had even helped you paint. You decided that you wanted to run. Left that place and moved in with OM. You told the mediator that you didn't want the, Said I could have them they are "my last name"

I only moved in with him because I couldn't afford my own place.I don't remember saying you could have them

It will come to you one day. Why the matching tattoos with the roman numerals date on your wrists. You both have the same one. You had told me your soul mate.

She laughs.
He is nothing. The girls will never ever see him. He wont be part of their lives.

Now you said you moved out into your own place. Why didn't you move closer to our town to be closer to the girls. That would of made a huge difference. Now you live down the street from OM. What was the point in that. You are still dating. You would of saved money.

Do you think If I had done that the girls would see me?

Well it would of been a positive action.

You know Irish, I am getting my finances in order . I owe a lot of money still but I should be clear of it in 5 years. I want to buy my own house. I will then buy something closer. Just have to fix up my car. It needs breaks and the muffler I just had it changed. After this I will go to the garage and pay it. Can't buy a new car just yet.

Well 5 years is along way away and D17 will be 23 . Most likely in her own place. I plan to move in 2 years.

She looks at me with a blank stare. Oh. you are right.

I know I was in a bad place when i left you. I saw what was happening but couldn't stop myself. I also know that I left so many clues about OM so that you would find it. I wanted deep down to get caught. So you could help me Irish. No one helped me. I was seeing black and everyone. My friends and family all let me go and do this.

I tried to help you Xw. I was enemy number 1. I would tell you something and you'd just laugh at me. I told your mom and she told me . "Irish. I went through this so will my daughter." Your sister went through it and even told me she sees you as off. She did nothing. And if she did you would of only cut her off. What you went through , only you can want help. Most of your friends didn't know what to take of it all. You were gone.

Well I'm getting help now and those I don't need in my life I won't ask them back.

You know that number on my wrist. It was actually the day i tried to kill myself. The day I met OM too. It has a higher significance.

Well I am glad you didn't kill yourself. You are worth more than that and the girls don't need that in their lives. They need a healthy loving mom.

I wouldn't think of it now. I love life. I have great friends at the gym. Girls I hang out with and we all support each other. It's great. I try to go to the gym every second day. Tonight I am going trick or treating with a friend. She is a single mom. Had an abusive boyfriend. Are you doing the house still? i miss those times.

Yes. it's all ready to go. The girls won't be going door to door they want to stay and help me. I'll send you a picture if you want.

You know Irish. I have been watching your Facebook. I use a friends login. Your page is private but I see enough. I know you are happy. Or is it a mask like I wear most of the time.

I am happy. We have great girls and we are all healthy. What more could I ask for in life.

then I cut it short. Said I had to go and we said a simple goodbye in the parking lot. I added. Lets talk again soon. After your therapy. like i said , I am not ready to meet up with the girls any where soon. We need to go slow.

You are right Irish. Have a good Halloween
I can't wait to see them. I'm so Tired of the questions about my girls. Why i don't see them.

so that was that. I will let this sit for a while. she has therapy on Thursdays. Her move after that.

take care all and happy Halloween