Yeah you're totally right. In time I don't know how I'll feel, but for now I am taking care of myself emotionally and mentally so that I can be stronger for the kids.
I know LH mentioned something about me feeling differently in the future about my comment on not envisioning a friendship with W. I forgot about that and I wanted to pick up that thread.
I've been abandoned, betrayed, and neglected by some very very close people over the course of my life. In response to that, I developed good survival skills to keep on moving so that life wouldn't fall apart. And one of those mechanisms was that I would immediately cut that person out of my life. In most cases, that was the proper choice because of the amount of damage they could inflict upon me. In other cases, I could have worked to develop a cordial relationship over time, but I didn't.
Through IC and just exploring my behaviors from the past, I have come to understand that I will always have a problem with someone close who abandons and/or betrays me. It is just too fundamental to who I've had to become to survive in life. With the help of IC, I am trying to figure out how to develop a cordial relationship with someone who does that to me. It's not easy but it can work depending on how much damage that person has caused me. Let's get specific.
In case of W, I feel that she deeply betrayed me and broke all the bonds of trust and reliability. My natural instinct would've been to cut her out - and I probably would've gone that way if we didn't have kids. However, kids aside, I realized that I have to learn how to create some type of relationship with W for my own sake of personal growth and development. Would this relationship resemble a friendship? I can't envision that right now because I need trust, reliability, and safety as important core ingredients in that friendship - something I am unwilling to create space for and I don't expect her to do either. I know that this part of me is still coming from a place of hurt and maybe vengefulness. She can't expect or even hope that type of relationship from me after she decided to blow everything up.
So, I will be cordial, and to a great degree I already am. But, am I going to create space for a friendship - I don't see myself doing that ever.
The breach of trust is just too much for me to overcome. Which is partially why I don't think that if she ever comes for recon, that I might be able to do it. I am not trying to dissuade anyone or saying that I've given up hope. I am just getting to a place where I know myself a lot better and am understanding which bridges I would be willing to repair and which ones I can't come back from.
Just as I write this, I sense that I still have some anger inside me. But, I can only be honest about who I am and what I can take.
