Trying to stay above water 2

[25yearsmlc]

I had a great weekend. Every time I gotnsad thinking about my H I just concentrated on the things I get to do now that he's not here. Like not being accountable to anyone but myself. I can sleep in if I want too. I binge watched part of a tv series this weekend. Stuff he would never go for. I didn't make contact with him all weekend unless he text to ask a question. Today he texts me that I am hiding money because I haven't come to him with a separation agreement or budget. I just told him I was insulted he insinuated that.

Hen, come on.

This^^ is an argument. No need.

If he's in such a hurry to get an agreement, let HIM present you/your lawyer with one. Stop discussing all this

I'll share one anecdote. I had a particular job years ago, and of the years I was there, only one year allowed me to put money into a retirement account. Which I did. Proportionally it grew well, but it was a small amount to begin with.

h is CONVINCED it has literally 10 times more in it, than it does. AND that I'm hiding it. This is in a government monitored account - so it'd be hard as heck for me to hide it. And illegal, btw. Come to think of it, I'd have to have forged his signature...and never mind.

More weird is that h was so sure it was a lot higher. Why? Who knows?
and

As for an agreement your h presents, don't agree or sign AND don't even let him know you read it. Say you gave it to your L for them to review.

why?

Because then there's nothing for you to discuss as you are "waiting for the L to review it get back to" you. Nothing to argue about.

You "don't know any specifics, obviously." And of course, when there is a document, you know to hire the lawyer for real.

Henwen, in negotiations it's better to let the other side come up with the first number.

his will be much lower than you think is fair, so be ready for that. This IS a negotiation and your h knows not to offer what his real number would be.

Hang in there and again, this is the most important financial decision of your life.

Can't hide from this. On the other side of this, you'll find peace. I promise.


and btw, the DB books will help you in ALL relationships, not just your m.

The books & effort at change are not too late. I've got 2 family members who divorced - the whole deal - papers signed and all.

5 years later they remarried. It happens.


hang in there


He is in full blown paranoia at the moment. He thinks I am planning a massive take over since I haven't come to him with any sort of agreement. And I've dropped all contact with him. I am cheery when I am around him because I truly feel cheery right now. So I'm not sure if the paranoia is due to my 180s or if it's a coincidence.



I went to switch my company phone to my personal plan and he got angry at me. It's like one hand he's pushing me away and wants this divorce. The other hand is not wanting to let go. So I just continue on with no contact and 180s.

try not to read into this^^. It is very Hard to know and mind read and it is pointlessly wasting our energy. I don't see anything to it, btw.

But No Contact is by far, best for you. Less chance of fighting. More peace for you.

You are spinning a bit here^^.




It might be too late for me. And I got thinking over the weekend. I should not have constantly been at him. But you know what. Not once has he changed any of his actions. He still has his anger issue and blames everyone else for his lot in life and has offered no remorse in our past relationship. So matter what inthe end it wouldn't have worked out anyways.

hen, don't talk yourself into Not making the changes you want to make. You can't stare at his sandbox, and the work you don't think he's doing,

and avoid your own sandbox & work. Do you get that?

The behaviours would have been the same had he come back. So that has helped me detach.

?? why does it help you detach? I don't get this^^ remark.

Everytime I wonder what he is up to in his spare time I just think over and over again. Not my concern. It is none of my business. It's a hard pill to swallow. But I want a partner not a combatant for the rest of my life.

makes sense & yes its a damn bitter pill to swallow. I swear it gets easier


Or someone who has seen no wrongdoing in his actions. I will continue to DB and work towards our marriage. And hope that he comes around eventually.

Only time will reveal things we need to work on, (including your h)

and only time and space will allow the good memories to resurface, unless they are blocked by anger or resentment.

So Maybe do the DB work for yourself and any future r's, and the r's in your life. Not merely as tactics to get him back.

Don't talk yourself out of making the DB effort; there is a huge payoff that has nothing to do with him.

((( )))