Leah, part 6

[25yearsmlc]

I wish I knew what "leaning into the pain" or "just going through it" meant,

or "processing it" - unless there is a choice I'm unaware of. (I'm not being snarky, I'm serious.)

But leah, your mom must be pretty elderly. I assume the reason for the visit was to comfort you but she does not know how (cheering you up with funny jokes!!?)

as for filing or not filing, are you more vulnerable by not filing?

own has a great point about the acceptance phase. When you realize there is little or no hope left,

there is a big fat void and a big fat gut punch - which you felt had already happened.

I feel better than before, about it. I know You shall as well.

It's embarrassing to admit that meeting OM's helps to remind myself of how many things in the m of late, were NOT so hot.

NOT so acceptable - things I would not accept in a new man. I am embarrassed b/c it should not take a new man in my life to remind myself that my needs were not being met the last 2 years, by a long shot.

Just trying to be gentle with myself and I hope you will be, too.

Also, tears are not a sign of weakness. OMG Not at all. Like I said, I wish I could, and I think not crying is slowing me down

((( )))

[OwnIt]

Everyone probably has their own thoughts about what leaning into it means. For me, it is not eating through it, busying myself through it, distracting myself through it, etc.

It literally means allowing the tears to come and the sad feelings to happen. To realize I can let them out and survive them. It's one of the reasons I made a conscious decision to slow my life way down.

It's being able to sit in silence and think about being alone and how to fill the time and the days. It's thinking about what I will do if I am sick and unable to care for myself and have no one to help me. It's facing all the fears I have about letting go and letting go of the reasons I have for holding on.

It is literally confronting the things you fear and finding your own strength.

Again, probably different for everyone.

[job]

OwnIt,

I totally agree 100% with your posting.

Some people think that they have to put on a happy face and look like they are still living their lives when, really, they feel like they need to cry to express their emotions. When we feel the pain and work through it, we can find our own strength in our own time and not on the time table of others. There are lots of people out there that think we should be over and done w/the entire situation within a few months...it doesn't happen. We have to grieve and go through the steps of grieving. There are people who think grieving is for those who have died...but they forget, you can also grieve for a relationship that has disappeared.

For me, when my xh walked out, I grieved for quite a while and attempted to put on the happy face for all because they were uncomfortable with the face that I wasn't, in their opinion, moving on at a fast pace. Fast forward 6 years and my sister's h was killed. Well, according to my parents, my sister could take all of the time she needed to grieve and she's still grieving almost 13 years later and my mother pointed out that her situation was so different from mine. Unfortunately, I agreed to disagree w/what situation constitutes a grieving process.

I also agree that tears are not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of grieving and healing. If you need to cry, do so. No one should expect you to be happy all of the time because what you are going thru is not a happy time at all.

As you get stronger, you will be more able to confront your fears and each time you will get a little bit stronger and until one day, you will come to realize that you are noticing signs of happiness once again. It's a very slow process, but I firmly believe each and every person will get there...but it will be on their time table.

Please take care of yourself.

[25yearsmlc]

Leah

I did cry - (& hard) - twice. Once was the anniversary of my mom's death, (which was one day after my wedding anniversary), and when my older dog died.

Both times I felt a lot calmer, later on. I know there's an obvious metaphorical cumulative process going on.

I don't feel like I'm hiding from anything (and God knows I've posted a lot lately.)

and yet, I can't get to it.

Since I do some theater work, it just occurred to me I could dig into it that way.

Leah, let yourself do this. Do what helps YOU.

[leahsue]

Thanks, friends. Your posts truly helped me get through a hard day yesterday.

My Mama was just being herself. My sister and I agreed years ago, that thankfully we have one another to feed those emotional needs, because Mama just does not know how. I'm pretty sure at age 79 she's not going to change. At age 59, I should know this. But it still hurts sometimes.

Own, I think that is the most beautiful definition of "leaning into it" that I have ever read. Additionally, IT MAKES SENSE. And 25, thanks for asking for clarification. Sometimes that takes courage to admit we don't understand something, but when we're honest like that, so many people benefit when the answer is given.

My lawyer appointment is one week from tomorrow. I still do not have a clear heart about what I will do.

I'll probably feel differently tomorrow, or even later tonight (LOL), but right now I'm leaning toward a motto I have tried to use through the years. Sometimes, I've heeded the words, sometimes not. But I can't ever remember being sorry that I DID HEED them. OTOH, I have often regretted that I did not.

"When in doubt, don't."

To be continued.....

PS- today was a much better day. Mama and I went to early church (and I find SO much peace there at this stage- just entering the huge cathedral with the stained glass and pipe organ- I can feel my heart settling down. And believe me, I've been through every "church" stage available through the years- contemporary, "high" church, pop music, old time hymns, you name it. Right now, the solitude and ritual are healing to me.), and then worked an 11-4 shift at the part time job. I set a personal record for deliveries and was so excited. Home now and just started a fire in the fireplace, snuggled with my sweet dog. So much to be thankful for.

[Gordie]

Leah,

I’m glad you had a better day. I’m glad you found peace at church.

The one thing that concerned me about message was that you wanted to see L. It you didn’t know what you wanted. That may be an expensive visit if you are unsure but maybe L can help you clarify your feelings if you haven’t been able to find that clarity from family, friends and others.

[OwnIt]

Leah,

I'm so happy that you are doing better and I'm glad that you have people in your life to help you through. You know this gets easier because you've been here before and you know there is life on the other side. Focus on that.

[25yearsmlc]

I for one am So glad you are seeing a lawyer.

You need not "Do" anything, just gain information. Knowledge is power.

It'll lessen some of your fears, and if you choose to stay, it won't be due to bad information.

Seeing a lawyer is about the only "insurance" you can get for yourself in a very painful trying situation.

And let yourself cry if you feel like it. It's healthy (and in case I didn't make it clear

I envy you. And I have a feeling a ton of bricks will hit me later on.)

That's for future 25 to worry about.

((( )))

[job]

I am happy to read that you had a much better day yesterday. It doesn't hurt to seek the advice of a lawyer. It gives you a better understanding of what you are entitled to "if" you opt to move forward w/a divorce. The one thing...do not allow a lawyer to gently push you towards a divorce if you aren't ready to do so.

The old saying..."when in doubt, do nothing" applies in all aspects of our lives. I also have one that I'd like to share w/you..."sit quietly and the answers will come".

Take care of yourself.

[leahsue]

Thanks for weighing in, friends.

Just as a reminder, I DID see this same extremely expensive lawyer back in January for this exact same thing.... to "find out what my options were." Like I said in earlier post, I was so far out in left field emotionally at that time, I barely remember getting any truly useful information. What I do remember is 1) I'd have to be a true resident of AL for at least 6 months before I file and 2) he reminded me he is NOT my counselor. If I was not sure I wanted a divorce, my time would be better spent with a counselor.

I appreciated his honesty. I don't think I am going to see him again until I know, that I know, that I know, that I'm ready to file for divorce. I think it will be a repeat of the last visit. He made it clear during the last visit that IF I file, he will go for H's throat, and based on his local reputation, I have no doubt he means it. In other words, I'd better be sure I'm not open to R, because filing is probably going to blow up any peace and kindness left between H and me.

I just don't think I'm there yet. I'm not interested in R AT THIS POINT, even if H were to express an interest. But I'm not sure I'm ready to blow it all up just yet. If money becomes an issue (if he stops taking care of my bills the way he does now), then I will file immediately.

IOW, I'm in doubt about filing right now, so I don't. That doesn't mean I can't later, when I'm sure.