Journey to Acceptance

[Coly23]

Hi All, sorry MIA again. I have my sister here so I'm not looking at the boards as much over the past couple of days.

Own, 25. Thank you both for your comments.

25, thanks you so much for your post! I can't seem to quote in my iPad so apologies if it is a bit amateurish!

"What will you do differently from this day forward?"
I'm going to stop ALL the pursuit!

"So you only have to change the last 5 minutes of the time, correct?"
Yes, I think that is correct. I go through the whole meet up feeling confident light and breezy and when we are about to part I fall to pieces and start demanding things!

"Those are the only reasons. Stop asking. Seriously."
I know, I know but I just can't believe what he is saying to me. I guess I just have to accept that these are HIS reasons.

"Stepping back for a minute, removing the pain you are in for just a minute
How did YOU feel when he submerged into his depression or however it manifested?
How did it affect you?"
In all honesty, I always thought I had done something wrong. Throughout the years that we were together he would often say that he didn't feel like himself. That was often when we were going through a dry spell and he wasn't able to 'perform'. He would say that thoughts would pop into his head and that he didn't feel himself. I didn't ever pry any further because I was afraid of what he might say.

"What is it you want to work on?"
I think I want to try to stop being a martyr by taking on too much and then moaning about it. I definitely feel i need more patience. I can also be overly critical and I expect everyone to live to my high standards. I have definitely started to say no when I know something is too much for me.

"Good insight. So how can you work on ^^ this? I mean, do you have an IC to help? What would it look like to calmly say what you need, and be prepared to negotiate the difference?"
I don't have an IC but I have started to do this with my family. As I said to Ginger all my family behave in this way and I recognise that it is not healthy. In fact it just happened recently between two of my sisters and I brought if up to the sister who is holding on to the resentment against our other sister. It's hard to get her to see it is not good and in doing so it is helping me to reflect on my behaviour.

"Why would you give it up? I mean, was it too time consuming? Did it really lead you guys having 2 separate lives like his family?
No, I definitely wouldn't give up something I enjoy. But it isn't so much enjoyment as it is a necessity. We have a large garden but it doesn't need a huge amount of upkeep. We have a gardener to cut the grass and I like to tend to the borders. H resented the fact that I used to ask him to help me because sometimes I didnt have the strength or ability to carry out some of the tasks. I saw it as us doing something together, he just saw it as me making him do something other than sport or watching to...

"How did you guys cone together in the first place? What were you like when he fell in love with you?"
Well I first met H when I was around six months pregnant and he started work in my department covering my maternity leave. Then we lost touch for a few years as we didn't move in the same circles. Then we met again just after H and I split up. I think back and wish I knew about DB then because I would not have started a relationship with anyone so soon after we split. It is a harsh lesson to have learned but at the time my XH was acting like an a&& and I everyone said I should move on. At that time I knew H had never been in a long term relationship before and that he spent many, many years on his own that is why I don't think he will rush into another relationship soon. I think he just might just like being on his own.

**assuming you told him it was important to you**, then he was selfish not to go. I mean, not MLC, in this situation, just selfish. Sorry to be blunt"
Yes, I agree he was just selfish because I asked him to stay and he didn't.

"Well let's get back to you. Not him. What do you accept from him?
If you began dating a man who acted this way, how would you view him?"
Mmm, good question! When things like this happened I had two responses. One was to get mad or the other was to quietly accept the situation for fear of rocking the boat and let the resentment build. I was always afraid to come across like a spoiled brat who demanded her husband watch her whilst she ran a charity race! Now, I think it would raise a lot of red flags for me. I would like any partner to support me in the same way that would support them.

Thanks 25 this has given me a lot to think about. Not that I don't want to stand fior my marriage anymore but I am starting to see a number of issues that I swept under the carpet but that have now come back to bite me. I think the main thing is that my H did have an obvious selfish streak that I was willing to put up with.

I am dreading the holidays even more than last year. It's also D's birthday just before Christmas so it will be interesting to see if H raises his head above the parapet.

Yeah I think it is really rough on my D being the second time that is why I think she has closed herself off from H. However, I think her ego has been boosted a bit with her real Dad initiating contact with her at last.

Well for GAL, I go to the gym 3-4 times a week. I do lots of reading and I'm going to start learning how to make paper flowers!

Thanks (((25))) and (((Own))).

In other news. My horoscope for today says the following:

"If you look to one side of you there appears to be a large, immovable object. On the other, an overpowering force. Although they seem to be on a collision course, you still have time to act. You can move out of the way. Removing yourself from the equation is going to be your best course of action - and it's easier to do than you think. By decreasing your level of investment in a difficult situation, you can free yourself from drama. Don't worry about the consequences. You are entitled to move back today."

DETACH, DETACH, DETACH!!

Happy Monday everyone!!