25yearsMLC 10 Later I FILE D part 7

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=25]I kind of want the discussion early enough so I don't invest much in a man who lacks self awareness.

(Great discussion by the way!) The divorce narrative he shares with you is only one aspect of self-awareness right? He could have learned to "say the right things" but not really live in a self-aware manner. You will figure out pretty quickly how self-aware people are regardless of what they tell you about their divorce. Like in DB, what they do is much more important than what they say.

yes^^^ to all this. I'll be sensitive to it.

And i'll watch for how connected a man is to his kids. A dear friend of mine is in a long term committed relationship (she'd lose health insurance if they marry, so I think that's the reason they are not m). Anyhow, Her "h" is not close to his FIVE ADULT sons.
He seems to be blaming his ex wife.

Who can blame an ex, if you are not close to any of your adult sons? Oh, he can.
I guess she "brainwashed" all of her adult sons with lies...oh, and they must all have amnesia about how he treated her or them,

and oh, I guess he can't keep reaching but b/c, you know, they might not react well.

I believe with all my heart that if my kids rejected me and even if they said they did not want to hear from me again,

that I'd keep showing up and I'd keep reaching out. Even if just by email, I'd sent a diary entry if need be.

So that if anything happened to me, they'd still know I cared for them and missed them.
It's her life, I know. But that's a red flag to me, big time.


Regarding your question about who pays, personally I just expect to pay all the time.


oh good!


I appreciate if the woman offers to pay now and again, and also appreciate it if she insists on it once in a while. Obviously there's some art to the whole thing because if it becomes an awkward argument that's the worst possible outcome. My guidance would be to offer once in a while and insist on it sometimes.

OMG that ^^won't happen. I'd offer often, and if he seems offended OR if he pushes back insisting, I'd back off.

On his birthday or something I personally wanted to do, the insistence would rise, but again, if it seems important to HIM, I'd back off.

Not a sword I'd fall on.

Maybe I'm not liberated enough. Oh, FTR, if there's a disparity in our income and I'm the bigger earner, I'd calibrate the dates.

I don't want a guy going broke for my activity choices.




I like the information about the survey that you shared -- looking back at my first marriage my exW definitely had security and fidelity, and I had the attractiveness and peace at home, so on the face of it our needs were being met according to the survey, but that didn't work out so well in the end!

meaning, you both seemed to fit the bill? Maybe security meant something different for her

or maybe she did not fit the survey and she needed more "drama"??

BTW

some friends of mine mentioned the "no drama" comment some single men make. As in, they don't want drama in a r...

My friends were mocking it and are turned off by the comment.

Here are some of their remarks in response to the "no drama wanted" in an online profile of a guy who is seeking his "special lady".


"what woman says she 'wants drama'? AND WTH does 'not seeking drama' mean anyhow? Probably means 'no emotional needs allowed'?

"It probably means he 'really likes the couch'..."

I *really* value peace in the household, but on the other hand I also appreciate that if you let resentments build up you're poisoning your relationship like cancer, so conflict is a necessity for a successful marriage.


yes this^^ is so essential. No M success without it.

So the real question we'd explore (eventually) is "how do you resolve conflict?"


Like anything else, however, its all on a spectrum. I dated a woman who had a tantrum that I didn't respond to an email she sent where I was one of 100 people on copy. She felt that as her relationship partner, I owed her an obligation to send a supportive and affirming reply.

is it okay if this^^ made me laugh?

Also, run away from her and don't look back.