25yearsMLC 10 Later I FILE D part 7

[Accuray]

I kind of want the discussion early enough so I don't invest much in a man who lacks self awareness.

(Great discussion by the way!) The divorce narrative he shares with you is only one aspect of self-awareness right? He could have learned to "say the right things" but not really live in a self-aware manner. You will figure out pretty quickly how self-aware people are regardless of what they tell you about their divorce. Like in DB, what they do is much more important than what they say.

Regarding your question about who pays, personally I just expect to pay all the time. I appreciate if the woman offers to pay now and again, and also appreciate it if she insists on it once in a while. Obviously there's some art to the whole thing because if it becomes an awkward argument that's the worst possible outcome. My guidance would be to offer once in a while and insist on it sometimes.

I like the information about the survey that you shared -- looking back at my first marriage my exW definitely had security and fidelity, and I had the attractiveness and peace at home, so on the face of it our needs were being met according to the survey, but that didn't work out so well in the end!

I *really* value peace in the household, but on the other hand I also appreciate that if you let resentments build up you're poisoning your relationship like cancer, so conflict is a necessity for a successful marriage.

Like anything else, however, its all on a spectrum. I dated a woman who had a tantrum that I didn't respond to an email she sent where I was one of 100 people on copy. She felt that as her relationship partner, I owed her an obligation to send a supportive and affirming reply. That violates my boundary for "peace in the household" as I don't feel that's a reasonable expectation. If she e-mailed me something important directly and I ignored it, then yes take me to task. If I'm on a huge distribution list and it's not relevant to me or us? Then yes it's nice if I respond, but I don't feel I owe it to her.

That's what's tricky about these notions of security, peace, attractiveness, it comes down to what's reasonable and rational, and everyone has a slightly (or dramatically) different take on that. That's why relationships are hard!

Acc