Fighting my way out of the dark Part 5

[Accuray]

Hi Holding,

Sorry to hear about your weekend challenges, that is particularly tough on S10, for his benefit the two of you should probably make an agreement not to discuss *anything* contentious in his presence. Having him bear witness to you two arguing is not going to be good for him if you two aren't productive arguers (i.e. calm and respectful)

If W is having a temper tantrum the "hierarchy of strength" is as follows:

1) Stay in her presence and maintain your composure. This is the hardest thing to do, therefore it takes the most strength. I heard a talk once where the person asked "if you were at a restaurant with your spouse and you wanted to make them instantly very angry, would you know what to do or say?" For most people the answer is "definitely" -- she knows what buttons to push. (The other half of that was "if you wanted to make them feel loved would you know what to do or say?" and that tends to be more elusive)

Staying in her presence doesn't mean you have to tolerate anything. You can just calmly repeat "I will not engage in conversation with you if you ________. If you want to discuss this calmly, I'm happy to talk to you." Lather, rinse, repeat.

2) Announce to her that you're going to leave the conversation and why (calmly). Then give her a chance to continue the conversation on your terms. If she doesn't abide by your boundaries, then you leave, and explain that you told her what you needed, she didn't do it, and now you're leaving the conversation.

3) Explain to her that you're going to leave the conversation, but don't give her a chance to correct her behavior, just leave.

4) Leave the conversation without explaining to her why you're doing it.

5) Let her get your emotions up and lose your temper.

Evaluate where you are on the spectrum -- if you're at 3 or 4, don't try to just shoot for 1 because chances are you won't be able to do it. Just try to go one notch up the scale until that feels comfortable, and then try to go one more notch up. Be patient with yourself, changing behavior is very hard and takes time and repetition, but eventually it becomes automatic.

Acc