Gordie: MLC W with a BF...negotiating our D #12

[Gordie]

H: Excellent job not texting back ILY.

G: I was tempted but did not.

H: And the way she just told the kids she didn't want to be married and walked out? That's the busted empathy chip you see in depression.

G: I was surprised by that but she treated it like no big deal to her. Why would it be a big deal to the kids? No emotion.

H: Well, of course she wants to live all together so that she can continue coming and going as she pleases while you do the lion's share of caring for the kids. It's a nice arrangement that suits her current MLC lifestyle. (My h treated me like an inn keeper during this part of replay.) Of course, once she has the kids 50/50 this fantasy life will not be manageable unless she has a trusty au pair on hand. Even then, the reality of day-to-day living will take over. And young kids need a whole lotta parenting. I can't see it being fun for OM2.

G: the disconnect between fantasy and reality is amazing but there’s nothing I can do to burst her bubble.

H: I found it interesting that many of the MLC wives returned from their girls gone wild nights being super sweet. My h did not do this. He avoided me. But, he would be really nice/do nice things beforehand. And so if he paid attention to the kids or took interest in something around the house I knew something was coming. And it always did. Their guilt shines through.

G: yes, extra kindness after nights out. Not sure if it is guilt or what other than weird.

H: Gordie, without looking back, what are the ages of your kids? And, do you know if OM2 has kids? Does your w want 50/50 custody?

G: ages range from elementary to high school. Yes, I have been told OM2 has kids, no idea what ages. Yes, w wants 50/50 custody.

H: I know it's insane. Keep maintaining a sense of normalcy for your kids. Act as if everything will be okay. Show them tons and tons of affection. Tell this has nothing to do with them and that they are loved. One of the many wonderful things about this board is that many Of the LBS post from the other side of this nightmare on steroids. One strong parent can pull kids through. At this point, the focus needs to be your kids and taking care of yourself.

G: thank you so much for your constant encouragement. I have no idea how you keep doing what you do. When your H was out seeing other women, why did you choose to remain married rather than divorce?

[Gordie]

A: A couple of things on this. You wouldn't be the man who came here and fought so hard if you didn't care about this. I get it. It took me a long time of absolute no contact to get to where I didn't worry. Gordie - even though she may not think it, you know that you've been fired from this job. With that said there are a couple of things you could do - none of them being a good idea. We use a free app called Life360 that allows the kids and I to know where we are. I got it initially when it was just me and the cats and I was worried that if something happened to me that it could be days before I got help. The kids of their own free will also share their locations with me including my daughter's husband. IPhones have location tracking and Google Maps has a share my location feature. BUT - you would only feel pain knowing the details. There's a term I've read elsewhere called "pain shopping" and that store is always open. It's not quite the same, but when I disconnected from my STBX on Facebook I had a person I trust keep connected to let me know if anything significant was going on. You may want to consider having your W perhaps share her location with one or more of the older kids online. But again - it really is for the best to let this go. It will be tough, it will take time, but it's for the best.

G: thanks. I agree with you that I’ve gotta let this go. Worrying about her being taken advantage of or even murdered—as you said, I’ve been fired from this job. I think you are right that it’s going to take time.

A: I had a talk to an acquaintance of mine yesterday who it turns out cheated on his wife about 20 years ago and left her. He said that like me, he thinks of his ex has his children's mother, not his ex. The connection isn't directly with him. It's through his children and to her that way. I've noticed a lot of divorced parents seem to think that way. It's quite a mind shift but it might help with the detachment.

G: that’s helpful. One of my d friends never calls his XW by her name. It’s always the children’s mother. He has never opened up to me about what happened, but even thought it’s been years and both have remarried, there is still pain there.

A: Well - just about time for me to head off for my Saturday errands. Stay strong my friend. This ride isn't over yet.

G: as always thank you and hope you had a good weekend

[Gordie]

Journaling: I have done more to advance the d in a few weeks than w did over the last year. On the one hand, she says I just want this to be done. On the other, she is surprised that I have been pushing it forward so quickly. We are still under the same roof but are usually not at home at the same time. W still does her normal mother activities more often that not, but more things slip through the cracks than they used to and I have picked up the slack. She has also become more of a Disney mom in terms of taking them out to do fun things and not disciplining them. That leaves me to be the disciplinarian and bad guy and not sure what to do about that. I have been busy living my own life which has made her pursue me in terms of interaction. I am always nice and polite but keep it short. Tonight she said she wants to talk to me this week. Goal of the week is to get the agreement back from L and have her sign it. This was one of the hardest weeks of this journey but with all of your support, I survived!

[OwnIt]

Gordie:

I'm glad you sound a little more settled. It will get easier. You commented on my thread that it would be better if my H did not contact my kids. You are right about that. The kids have said it and the counselor has said it. I guess my point is that keeping someone in the kids' lives who doesn't know how to be there at the moment is not always the best thing. Let her do her thing.

Don't worry about how she is with the kids (assuming they are safe), and focus on how you are doing. Give them lots of structure and lots of support. Kids like certainty and they like knowing what their world is going to look like as much as possible.

[SBJ]

Gord, trust me when I say I know exactly how you feel. I always hated it when people would say that, but actually had no idea of the situation. In this case we all know the crazy. You have a treasure trove of people and experiences here to help you.

Time doesn't help you forget about the situation...it helps you figure out how to cope and accept the situation. I will not say that there won't be things that set you off...a song, a memory, something so familiar, but you will get thru it.

You and I have the similarity of our significant other wanting to be so nice to us and thinking that there is this fantasy friendship at the end of this Disneyland ride. I do pray that they both come out of their fantasy land, but I know that we can only let go and let God take the reigns. You, your kids, and your wife will remain in my prayers daily.

[HaWho]

Gordie - to answer your question, my h has never been open about OW. In fact, I don't know for sure if he's had affairs. Mine does seem to be a bit of an outlier. Of course, in the early madness of this, he announced he was going to sleep around and then come home to sleep/eat here. I said no. He seemed surprised. So he may have buried his double life given this.

As for you having to be the bad cop w/your kids, embrace it. I too was cast in this role for a long while. Kids feels safer with rules and boundaries. They may fight you but deep down they respect that. Months ago, when my niece came to visit, when my kids were alone with her, they told her that I had my act together and that I was on top of their lives. I was surprised by this because we were butting heads a lot. My h was a mess and I was re-directing their lives. It strengthened my bond with them. (I showed tons of affection too--tousled hair, gave hugs, listened, etc. But I never let them use their messed up dad as an excuse to do poorly in school or get away with things.)

The kids do watch and they know who is on their A game. Proudly differentiate yourself from her and . . . fast. They will remember the safe zone you created.

[Gordie]

Ownit,

Thanks. I want to be a great co parent and think that is what is best for the kids. If things get worse which I know they may then I don’t know what I’ll do but guess I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.

SBJ,

You absolutely do know what I’m going through which is why I always value your advice so much. Dang, I wish we could meet IRL.

HaWho,

Interesting there was no OW. I thought that was a part of his replay days but clearly I was projecting. In terms of the kids, yes. I just have to be the best parent I can be under the circumstances. I know they do rely on me being there.

Journaling (venting):

So w decided a picture of herself and OM2 and his name would make a great screen saver! I guess this is how she is introducing him to our family as I have refused to meet him. I resisted the temptation to smash the computer into a million tiny pieces and pretended not to notice. There is no shame in fantasy land.

L is still writing up the agreement so it is still not signed yet. We are supposed to stay together until the house is sold but I am not sure how much longer I can stay on this roller coaster. Once the agreement is signed, I am strongly tempted to unilaterally move out so I can start living my own life. Is this a good or bad idea?

We usually take the kids trick or treating together with friends. I have no idea what is going to happen. W has been talking more about our post d relationship and how our R will be better than ever. Another overnight for w last night. God, please just help me through one more day.

[bttrfly]

okk Gordie take a deep breath buddy

now take another

don't forget to exhale, lol

Moving out is a bad idea. This is my opinion only, but those kids need the smoothest transition you can give them. She isn't going to help you with this. She is incapable. This means you will have to find ways to distance yourself from your "room-mate" / co-parent. Is the house big enough for you to create your own space within it? Can you create your own man cave?

I think it would be good to have a place to get away to maybe once in a while - can you stay at a friend's or just go rent a hotel to get some space once a month or something like that?

You're looking for the new normal and thats going to take a while to find.


How are the kids? It came in waves for my son.

I wil refrain from commenting on my opinion of how Princess Loontoonia chose to share this news with the children.

Do the littlest ones know now?

And I am curious, were any of the children unsurprised by this?

If I have one major lasting regret it's that I didnt tell exh that I would fight his divorce tooth and nail and grind him into the dust in court unless he agreed to bring our son to therapy with me. Im not sure it would have worked but our child would have benefitted from going. exh wouldn't agree and I couldn't get son there without his help. I also didn't want to give exh the fight he so desperately seemed to want to re-create. But that, that was the one thing I wish we'd done, as it may have benefitted our son greatly.

so, talk to the guidance counselors at school. let them know the kids will need extra support. find a family therapist. you'll need the help. she's off riding Aladdin's magic carpet, no help from Princess Loontoonia.

Nice screen saver.

Geez.

You may want to set some ground rules while you're sharing space. Take some time to think about what your deal breakers are. Approach it when you're ready and spin it as "we are co-parents, we both want what's best for the kids, we both need to move on with our lives, but need to be respectful that this house was our family home and is the kids' home."

I would think you may want to say "I will not be bringing in overnight guests while we live here and I expect the same level of respect from you."

or some such thing. I would phrase it in a way to make her curious about what you're doing. She seems to think she can do whatever and you will continue to be the rock you've always been. I think that needs to be challenged. I may be wrong - you may want to check to see if your coach agrees.

She continues to leave me shaking my head in disbelief.

You are doing so much better than you think.

I believe that in the fullness of time you will come to believe that she's done you a favor. I didn't believe I'd ever feel that way, but I do now. I suspect you might in time also.

xoxoxo
{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}

[Irish M]

Hey Gordie. Hang in there. You are doing a great job so far. Its a tough job but it is yours and you will love it. That job is being the best dad you can be. Let W go. She is lost anyway and is unable to be a good mother at this point. Your kids are young. Disney only mom will fade.

Like Hawho and you discussed. Her telling he kids with no empathy is part of it.

H: And the way she just told the kids she didn't want to be married and walked out? That's the busted empathy chip you see in depression.

G: I was surprised by that but she treated it like no big deal to her. Why would it be a big deal to the kids? No emotion.

The empathy, caring, loving person you once knew is not there. That part of her brain is shut off. Depression is a dark place.

All I can say is be the best dad. Nothing wrong with Disney/Discipline dad. The kids will respect it. Sit with them. Let them talk. Don't bad mouth mom. Be there for them. Hug them and love them. Take them out more and call it Daddy time. In time they will ask for Daddy time.

Halloween. Plan it with your kids. If W shows up then OK. If she doesn't well still make it about the kids night. Traditions change.

It's all about the kids my friend. you will feel so great about yourself doing whats best for them.

I found it tough as well in the beggining. We do an annual camping trip since the girls were born. Same camp ground, same site. XW bailed in June 2015. Camping was July. We still went without her. Yes it was tough and I wanted to not go. Thinking I would be miserable. Well me and the girls stuck it out and did it. We have now done this for that past 3 summers. Us 3. and its awesome.

happy Halloween to you and your kids.

I know you got this.

[AndrewP]

Gordie

I don't have much to offer on this beyond one small(ish) thing. After bomb-day and even before I found this place I set out some "ground rules / boundaries" with my wife.

One key one was that her guy was not to even set foot on our property. You may want to set similar rules out where you want nothing of her guy including his picture in the house. You can honestly say that it causes you pain. Hopefully she will be understanding.

Too bad you aren't able to swing by my house for Halloween. I've got candy plus rum for the adults - might be a bit of a drive. I'm working from home today as usual on Halloween and am already dressed up in my pirate outfit like I've done for nearly 10 years. I'm going to haul the sloop out at lunch time and decorate it up. No sails up this year because it's supposed to be breezy. Fingers crossed for good weather. Rain and possibly snow is in the forecast for this evening but not too much.

You've been doing an amazing job Gordie. As tough as it is to put one foot in front of the other some days, keep at it. When it gets too tough, know what the prize is. Healthy, well adjusted kids and the ability to look at yourself in the mirror.

If you can figure out how to take a break - perhaps a weekend away of your own - now might be a good time. One thing I used to do back in the day was to alternate between the two different kids to go Christmas shopping in the "city".