I have been reading your posts since the begining. I think you have to talk to your daughter with the truth from your hearth. I'm a 47 years old man now. Last year I discovered that my father, who passed away 24 years ago, wasn't my real father...and I must tell you: I knew it from inside...from my childhood, from feelings deep inside that really didn't understand. Last year came the truth. Give your daugther the love that you have. And give her the truth. She will love you the same.
I agree with Neffer. She does have to find out, and it is best she does from you, rather than your ex or classmates. Or in a position where she might need something medically and she has to find out you can't provide it because you are not a biological parent.
The advantage I think is that at her age, she doesn't know a father as something biological. She knows Daddy as the person who loves her and takes care of her. So even if you explain that you came into her life after she was born, she has always been your daughter and baby in your heart.
A father isn't someone who donates a cup of jizz on the back seat of El camino.
A father is someone who changes your nappy. A father is someone who teaches you to ride your first bike. A father is someone who kisses your knee when you scrape it. A father is someone who takes you to school every day. A father is someone who makes sure there are no monsters under the bed every night. A father is someone who comforts you when you feel sad.
That is who a father is.
A you East my friend are a FATHER. And let no a$$hole tell you otherwise. And do not go on explaining to your daughter that you are not her father, because you absoFRIGGINlutely are!!!
And Ginger that is a horrible, horrible suggestion, she is 6 for fcucks sake!
Vapo, this might be a cultural difference, but Ginger's advice is inline with the parenting and adoption advice given here in the US for the past two-plus decades.
It's almost impossible for someone to go their whole life these days and not realize they are adopted (if they are), so then they are dealing not just with whatever feelings they have about the adoption, but also with feelings of betrayal directed toward the adoptive parents.
The advice is to tell kids from very early on--much younger than East's daughter.
I absolutely agree with you that East is her father, but he can emphasize that while still telling her the truth about when he came into her life.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Talking with my C about the best way to have this conversation with D. We're going to follow up next week. I want to ask XW for some support here, but I also don't want to. I think she is the one who told D, so what kind of support would I get? I talked to her about it briefly (that D said something) and her reaction was... off. She said the right things ("saying that would be like someone saying I wasn't her mother") but her tone of voice was entirely indifferent, and there was no empathy at all. I don't have anything more than a feeling on this, and maybe I just don't have enough trust left in me to believe anything that comes out of her mouth anymore. D didn't want to tell me who said that, and I didn't (and won't) push her, so I guess I won't really know, and I'm on my own here.
Mediation is 1st week of December. I'm nervous about it. As of this weekend, D actually has a bedroom and furniture at her mom's house. I still feel like XW is just putting her house in order for the custody fight, but it's still good for D. I hope it lasts. I am pretty sure OM paid for it. Doesn't matter, just a curiosity, but at least it implies that he treats D well after all, which can't help but be a good thing.
XW brings OM to custody exchanges now.
Milestone: I'm officially down 100lbs.
Had an amazing weekend with GF. She's a UK fan, so we drove to Lexington and watched the game. We had great seats, and both dressed for the game (me in orange, her in blue). Got a lot of good natured comments from people about that. I lost the bet. I get to show up in my office on Friday wearing a UK hoodie, ball cap, and a tag that says, "Yes, I did lose a bet." At least Butch will probably get fired.
After pickup yesterday, I brought D to see her great grandmother (XW's dad's mom) and then to see her grandfather and grandmother (XW's dad and his wife). XW doesn't ever bring D to see any of them, I'm trying to do it once every month or two. Dad said he saw my pictures on facebook, and asked me if GF was "treating me right." I said yes, and he said that he was happy I was happy, that I deserved it, and that I would always be family. I felt like crying. I don't have family anywhere near here. Holidays are going to be hard. I can't travel with D because of how the current custody plan is. Felt like crying because it means I didn't lose EVERYONE.
He's told me before that he looks at me and what I'm going through, and sees himself from the past (with XMIL playing the part of XW, and XW playing the part of D). I look at him and see that his life has turned out pretty well. That gives me hope, and I hope I'm where he is in 15-20 years.
Biggest source of stress in my life right now is that I live two of them. GF still hasn't met D, though both of them are interested in meeting each other. They may meet in the next month or so, and then we can try to slowly increase that. I hope it goes well.
D told me last night that she has a new daddy. Then she said she was just kidding. Coworker showed me a picture from FB this morning. It's a selfie of XW, taken about a month ago. In the background, OM is holding D in his arms.
XW asked to have D after school today. Our current plan allows for it. First time ever I haven't gone trick or treating with her. We went by ourselves last year because XW, who was still W, didn't want to go.
I know that what she said probably cut deep, it's a new situation and one that you are probably still processing how you feel about, but I think it's good your D can joke about it, because she too is trying to process everything too.
One thing that I've learned by being both a stepdad and a stepson, is that it doesn't matter what other peoples relationship is with your child, it only matters what your relationship is.
Even though seeing your D with someone else can stir some negative feelings, you hit the nail on the head when you said it's better she gets along with him than the alternative. Her R with her mom or the OM has no impact on her relationship with you.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
I don't worry about her having a good relationship with him. I think that's desirable and necessary. I'm not going to be one of those people that thinks "oh this relationship with AP will never last." AFAIK, OM will be her step father someday, and I intend to act as if that's the case with the thought that D needs to know that's OK and not have any undue stress over it. If this guy is going to be in her life, then D needs to not think badly of him. It [censored] (for me) but that's life.
D has a history of saying something and then saying "just kidding" if it's something that could be hurtful. When she says things like that she usually isn't "joking." Coupled with XW's change in attitude toward my parenting, the highlighting in court that I'm the "adoptive" parent while she is the "natural" parent, the fact that "someone" has brought up with D that I'm not "actually" her father, and our own history here (XW was telling D that I was her daddy within weeks of us starting to date). Add "I have a new daddy" and picture of OM holding D within six weeks of their meeting (and based on the pic, it's probably either that weekend, or the one after) and it adds up to a singular conclusion. Which is NOT ok.
