Is she still coming over to your house on her day to be with S11, or is she taking him to her place?
Where would D21 keep S11 if your W needed a sitter? If she lives with you, then it's really nothing different and is pretty much just leaving him home with dad, right?
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What's my next step?
Since there is an OM in the picture, I suggest you begin to act as if you are really separated. Tell her to plan her scheduled days with the son to be some place other than her staying with him in your home. She will have to figure out how to see her other children. If they don't want to see her, then you need to stay out of it. Stop inviting her over to participate in family activities. If she asks if she can join, I'd say something like, "Under the circumstances, I had rather you didn't"....... Or, " Considering the current situation, I feel uncomfortable about it". If she asks if it's due to the OM, just say, "It sends a loud message, and I need to move on without you. Having you here gives the family false hope". No need to engage in a long discussion. She has eaten a looooot of cake the past 16 months!
Some may wonder why this is not punitive action. The only way I see that it could be punitive if you were out for vindication. That's not the motivation here. If you see that having OM is her way of moving on from the marriage, then why continue to bring her into the family\home environment and play with everyone's emotions? Let her go, and let her be responsible for making a time and place to be with her kids.
Why serve her need for family involvement when she puts forth no effort to be with them outside your home? This is not your responsibility.
Next step? Let her go. You won't detach as long as she's coming over and playing house.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
