Chapter 5 - Turning over to a new page

[sandi2]

Is she still coming over to your house on her day to be with S11, or is she taking him to her place?

Where would D21 keep S11 if your W needed a sitter? If she lives with you, then it's really nothing different and is pretty much just leaving him home with dad, right?

What's my next step?

Since there is an OM in the picture, I suggest you begin to act as if you are really separated. Tell her to plan her scheduled days with the son to be some place other than her staying with him in your home. She will have to figure out how to see her other children. If they don't want to see her, then you need to stay out of it. Stop inviting her over to participate in family activities. If she asks if she can join, I'd say something like, "Under the circumstances, I had rather you didn't"....... Or, " Considering the current situation, I feel uncomfortable about it". If she asks if it's due to the OM, just say, "It sends a loud message, and I need to move on without you. Having you here gives the family false hope". No need to engage in a long discussion. She has eaten a looooot of cake the past 16 months!

Some may wonder why this is not punitive action. The only way I see that it could be punitive if you were out for vindication. That's not the motivation here. If you see that having OM is her way of moving on from the marriage, then why continue to bring her into the family\home environment and play with everyone's emotions? Let her go, and let her be responsible for making a time and place to be with her kids.

Why serve her need for family involvement when she puts forth no effort to be with them outside your home? This is not your responsibility.

Next step? Let her go. You won't detach as long as she's coming over and playing house.

[bigybiz]

Sandi2: Once again you've hit it out of the park.

Sorry, for not being clear. The majority of the time she is spending with S11 is at her apt. S17 goes over, eats and walks back. They do spend a little time here - not much.

Most Saturday am - she comes over makes breakfast for everyone and then takes S11.

Yes, it's time to stop all family time now that OM is in the picture.

I guess, I can tell her Let's set up a regular pick up and/or drop off times on Sat. The Tues & Thursday evening may need to stay the same. We'll have to play it by ear. As there are other activities etc that are going on.

You can enjoy your time with them and drop the car and S11 off at an established time.

Should I tell the kids, I'm shutting down the Saturday morning breakfast. I'd hate to make "drastic" changes without a heads up.

Thank you so much for coming back to my rescue. I really was floundering.

[sandi2]

Do the kids go to the Sat. breakfast? Do they know about the OM? If it were me, I would tell my oldest kids (at least) that I was going to change things.....and why.

Why keep them in the dark if she has let it be known about OM? Actually, all of them need to know the truth. You may decide to tell your youngest in a more delicate way, but not as to cover up the truth from him.

[bigybiz]

They know. The 5 of them had brunch together. D21 said she did not clue in until half way through the meal. Apparently, she asked them all individually if it was OK if she dated. All said yes. Then she told S11 recently she has a friend who is more than a friend.

Yes, I feel betrayed by the kids, that they did not stick up for me/MR - kept that to myself. I did have a bit of a meltdown with D21.

He drove up and hid behind his car, while W gathered the kids. What a coward.

I'm aching to call and confront him. It worked once before.

[AndrewP]

BigyBiz - The kids are in a tough spot so don't be too hard on them for not taking sides. At one point I mentioned to my (older) kids that I had hoped that they would have at least been cheering for "team family".

They are probably hurting and confused and what you really really need to be right now is the "sane parent" while your W is off playing with the fairies. That means allowing them to find their own path through this knowing that you are there and that you are their safe place.

I'm aching to call and confront him. It worked once before.

I'd beg to differ on this. What you got was that you chased that particular OM away. And then she got a new one. There is a limitless supply of men out there depending on how far she moves down the evolutionary ladder. This isn't about him though. It's about you, her, and your family. If you've gone through the MLC forum readings, especially the stuff that Jack_3_Beans wrote - some of it directly to me - you will read that an OM and other choices that to us look like bad choices are just a symptom.

Taking a bit of a harder stance, which I do these days being perhaps in a different place than you are right now, and certainly a different one than I was 18 months ago, the crap storm you are going through was all about the choices that your W made. It's not about any particular random OM showing up and stealing her away. To be "wayward" requires choices to be made. Deliberate choices that she makes over and over again. These are not choices you can influence as she is an adult and is in charge of her own destiny.

The best you can do. The best any of us can do is to stand firm in the storm and be that safe place. Especially for our children.

[bigybiz]

AndrewP:

You are so wise - thank you. It must be the Canadian Genes.

Funny, I don't see my kids as hurting and confused. They often seem so indifferent. That bugs me (if it's the case).

i'll check out the Jack_3_Beans thread.

When I was 23 - I got involved with a married woman. She was 30. She told me her husband didn't love her blah, blah,. Her husband was a meek and nice guy. Had he told me to get lost, I would have.

Approx 24 years later W is having a EA - which today she still denies it. I contacted him - he took off. She was hurt because he played her.

So telling this A$$ that I'm fighting for my family may not be a bad thing. I know he has 3 kids - I'm sure he wishes that his kids were with both parents to some degree (probably glad that his MR is over). Plus, it would make me feel better.

I told W, that he should contact me - if He doesn't I'll contact him. I know full well that if I do, I'll be throwing a match in a room of gas. So that's what's stopping me.

I also, have and will tell my sons again, that a real man will fight for his family no matter what. I'm sure my kids see me busting my butt to take care of them, so I'm sure they get it.

We will see what happens.

[bigybiz]

Andrew:

I read Amy's post it's amazing. I really like the fact that when the H checked out after two years, that's when it hit Amy. I guess for some people detaching comes easier than others. I'm guessing that I'm more like Amy's H. It's coming slowly over a longer time.

Can you or anyone else recommend any other similar threads? Also, can we book mark them? Cadet? Sandi2 anyone?

[bigybiz]

Feeling really anxious today. I'm super busy with work, going out with friends tonight. Hoping I can get a few more motorcycle rides in. Still obsessing.

[doodler]

Feeling really anxious today.

Do you know why you're feeling anxious?

[bigybiz]

Doodler: Thanks for stopping by.

Stressing over:

Lots of pressure re:work - I love it - thriving in fact. It's been a very slow year.

car stuff - car is not worth fixing, need to buy a new one. No time, not very much $ will have to settle for something less than what I want. Will have to borrow.

W has ditched kids again this weekend to be with OM.

Still obsessing - no matter how busy I am.

I wish there was a pill I could take.