MLC or WAS... either way, I'm here

[LAJar]

Thank you for the b-day wishes, Coly.

peace, I don't think it would feel comfortable pushing any type of R with H's family. I am open to keeping some communication, if that's what they choose. I haven't been home and picked up some mail on Friday and one of his aunt's did send me a b-day card. She has always been good about sending cards for holidays, bdays, etc. She usually would send one for our anniversary, but obviously didn't this year, so I was happily surprised to see the bday card. Again, I'll see further on down the line where things shake out.

Journaling: Thursday was my meeting with L, which was the first since retaining. It was primarily to prepare my financial disclosures. First thing she asked is if I've been served, which I still haven't. She said he seemed pretty desperate initially and wondered why the hold-up. I took this as my opportunity to tell her that I am still not in favor of this divorce. Since I have not been served, I do not want to push anything forward. He will have to do the work required to get the ball rolling. She expressed her concerns where it might affect me down the line financially. I told her I understood and that I can't imagine myself being in limbo as I am now for 6-9 months from now. However, since it is still new to me, I am not there mentally or emotionally and will not help him with his divorce. She understood. At this point, with the exception of the house, there really isn't much to do. I do hope to have the house listed within the next month. If that's the case, I will have to contact H to discuss those specifics.

Since last week, I have not been staying at my house. I've been at my parent's which is where I was going to go temporarily until house is sold and I could find something else/smaller. I realized being alone in my home was really affecting my mood. I feel much stronger not being so isolated. It's not ideal but I appreciate having a place to go where I'm supported. I am also realizing I am struggling with my feelings for H. The distance/lack of contact helps me to forget him. However, when I do have to deal with him, my anxiety shoots through the roof, even with the smallest thing. I had set up the online account for our mortgage a number of months ago. I am the only one that accesses it, my contact information, etc are what's on the online account. Last week, he decided to change the email contact. It's dumb, but that really pissed me off. He didn't bother to set up the account and doesn't even have access to the login. I even question whether he'll make the next payment, but for some reason he needs to remove my email and add his??? I received an email notice of the change and my heart quickly started beating. I don't know if I'm in denial not having to deal w/ him & at the smallest point I do, anger, anxiety, sadness flood me. It just makes me think as D progresses, I will be removed from my cocoon and once again be confronted with H's choices. Daunting.