Still here. Still not detached... (Part 2)

[Chris73]

Hi All. Just wanted to post an update on my sitch since it's been a while.

I got approved for the mortgage to refi my house. Unfortunately, it's not a refi in my favor as the interest rate is the same. So my loan amount goes up and the amount I'm able to cash out is minimal. But it does mean that my W is off the mortgage and the deed, which in turn frees her up to apply for her own mortgage and gets her one step closer to moving out. Hard to know how to feel about this. I don't want her to go, but I want her to go. If that makes any sense.

Sat down with her last week to discuss the buyout and break the news that I wasn't financially comfortable with the amount she asked for. She seemed level-headed about it. We both agreed that fighting over the 15K difference would just end up with most of it in the pockets of our respective attorneys anyway.

The custody and child support arrangements were agreed upon previously and don't need to be revised at this point. The split is about 57%/43% in her favor (6 overnights with me every 2 weeks vs 8 overnights with her).

We discussed logistics for the rest of the year. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and birthdays (both kids have December birthdays). I told her that I wanted the kids to be in my (formerly "our") house on xmas eve and offered to let her stay overnight so that we'd both be there in the morning when they woke up. She agreed.

The one thing that really stuck with me was the discussion about her wedding/engagement ring, which is worth a decent amount of money. I told her that she could have it and suggested that she could sell it to make up some of the difference in the house buy out. She got teary and said, "I would never sell it. It's for D5 for when she's older."

..see, this I don't get at all. The ring means something to her, but what? It represents the commitment we made to each other "for better or worse", the commitment she's decided to break. And yet, it's precious enough to save for D5? Why? If the ring means enough to her to save it for sentimental reasons (as opposed to an investment) why not tap into those emotions a little further and make an attempt to reconcile the marriage? These are questions I didn't ask her, and never will.

Anyway, onward and upward. I spent some time thinking about what my W might be doing this past weekend and who she might be with. And I took a moment to recognize how much different I feel now than a year ago when I had the same questions. It still hurts but that feeling in my stomach like I'm falling off a cliff is not there anymore. I remember when I first came to these boards and read a post by someone saying, "...her ghost still haunts me." I think I understand how that feels now. I'm sure her ghost will haunt me forever, but the frequency will continue to diminish.

Had a great weekend with my kids. We're starting a new "every other Sunday family dinner" tradition with my side of the family. Monday mornings are difficult. Since we're still "nesting", I need to make sure the kids are dressed, fed, and ready for the bus, but I also need to pack for the 3 nights that I'm not home. This leads to a hectic morning and rarely enough time for proper goodbyes. I know it will get better once my W moves out.