Chapter 5 - Turning over to a new page

[bigybiz]

Sandi2:

Thank you for the compliment! I've often felt I've "reinvented myself" it's nice of you to say that. I know in the past you've felt I've gone from one extreme to the other. I'm sure I got very defensive too. Yes, punishment and control obviously still is an issue between us.

D21 moved in 4 weeks ago it's great. It's so good to have her. I'm guessing she thinks I'm providing a stable enough environment for her brothers that it's safe for her too. The newly renovated basement is a perk. So now S11 could be watched by D21 in their family home. My hunch is she would be smart enough not to get in the middle.

For the 16 months that we have been separated W goes through phases where she draws close, participates in all the family activities, then retreats. We just found out about the OM - my guess is it's been a secret for a while.

Less and less has she been hanging out here. That being said, she said she's coming on Monday to carve pumpkins and Tuesday for Halloween as S11 would rather trick or treat with a friend at home then where her apt is.

Again, this has always been a tension. MWD books & videos and my coach said invite her to family events, try and engage her in the home, etc. Where most on the board are in favour of detaching and not engaging.

Yes, I live in the house, with all our kids, dogs, etc. She continues to remind me that she has done this so the kids can have stability, etc. It sounds very martyrish.

So - I'll try and dial back the control,punishment. Not sure how? I'd like to try something new - a game changer. Yes, I'm not detached and yes I'm focused on her more than me. On the other hand, I've got lots of runs on the board.

After months of surface level convos we had some R talk yesterday. I was needy, etc. Coming to grips with the OM, I guess. I need a game changer.