Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 11, filing for D

[PsySara]

Not much to report. WH has once again retreated into barely looking at me and only mumbles when he does deign to speak to me. I went to the 1st post session alone today, WH was on call and working but chose to have lunch with friends outside than to come to some of the session. (his job is about 100 yards from the post session location)I continue to attend because I want to use the technique elsewhere, like with my children when they get older.

The host couples used the technique with their children as well and it helped immensely with communication. I will say that it was especially embarrassing that I was the only single there, a lot of the couples who came to the weekend intensive were there and looking at me with sympathetic eyes. One couple came up to me and told em they thought I was very brave to continue on.

Brave? Not sure about that but I will agree that I am incredibly stubborn and refuse to call quits until I am at peace with that decision. Right now I am feeling anything but peaceful. I wish I could return to that place where I was when I filed for divorce. Honestly I feel I have been set back to DDay #2 emotionally. I lowered my shields and went into Retrouvaille filled with optimism and enthusiasm. The techniques requires starting attachment and therefore I decided to be vulnerable and brutally honest (spent a LOT of time writing about the changes I need to make in myself). The first part is simply expressing your feelings without judgement towards your partner. WH and I spent Friday evening being taught how to dialog and the difference between a feeling and a thought. By noon on Saturday he broke the rules and turned the dialog into a list of my shortcomings and how he feels we're "too different." So. That didn't exactly pan out, did it?

Since then we are back to square one. He comes home late, barely acknowledges me and retreats to his office to play video games or surf the internet. I spend my evenings feeding, bathing, home work, etc., with the kids. I dread the week days and the weekends. I fantasize about moving away and leaving WH with the kids so he can be forced to be in my shoes and understand what his inactions have done.

Look, I know we are supposed to be all self sufficient and detached and whatnot but I just want to have a partner to live my life with. I don't want to be alone, okay? Do I NEED a man? No, but I pictured my life with a companion to grow old and share our hardships and joys. I am very bitter tonight. I thought this man was my soulmate and never thought I would have to face the choice to be single or have a stepparent in my kid's lives. But here I am. I feel like I am being asked if I want a toothache on my upper tooth or lower tooth. How about neither? But WH appears to not care if I live or die and that rejection hurts. It hurts and no amount of GAL or self improvement is going to make that rejection feel good. At this point I would settle for apathy, anything not to feel like this.