25yearsMLC 10 Later I FILE D part 7

[Lovelyp]

thanks very much guys

hey I wanted to add on to a few things I need in a man, or believe in, so I'll have written it down somewhere.

Security - also means having a partner who won't lose their $h1t. No tantrums (or "lost my temper" episodes.)

It's too unsettling to have the man who is supposed to protect me, seem out of control.

When h lost his temper it was kind of traumatic to everyone. Looking back, and discussing it with my T, I discussed not seeing anger expressed in a healthy way in my childhood. I'm sure h can say the same thing.

But h's expressions were often just tantrums and actually verbally abusive. Hard to write that out. ugh

Unfortunately I can relate to this. H used to do exactly the same and still does. He doesnt know how to deal with emotions. I like how John Gottman said that it is lack of emotional inteligence that make people behave that way. I feel this is major problem we had. It was either avoidance of conflict, stonewalling or verbal abuse. For me that behaviour turned me off completely.


and the loyalty piece of fidelity

also means not fighting in front of others. No snide remarks. No snipes or public criticisms which are so magnified when there is an audience. You could complain to your partner about something in private, and it could lead to a disagreement.

Add in an audience and it's a freaking wound that takes a long time to heal, if it ever does.

I think John Gottman did research that shows couples who show contempt for their spouses are far more likely to divorce, than other couples.

Sadly I did exactly that. H used to hurt me so much in private and around his friends he behaved like we were so happy. I regreted but it was too late.

H did this snarky remark thing in front of our kids, in the last 2 years of our m. OMG it ate at me. My putting up with it made it worse, actually. My staying quiet to keep the peace actually led to less peace. Less respect, I think.

Ironic.

Oh and I want a man who won't restrain himself from hard laughter! If I make him laugh, all the better.

Thats very important.