still struggling

[sandi2]

You may not realize it but you are placing emotional pressure on her. It's better to reconcile b\c she truly wants it....and not due to pressure.

[Jim1234]

Sandi and Joejoe, I appreciate your insights. I guess if I just refinance, it won't make any difference in the long run, and it will take the pressure off her.

Or am I misunderstanding? Should I have not said anything and just let the divorce proceed? If so, do you have any suggestions as to what to do now?

[joejoe1]

Jim,

I not saying anything about divorce
The point I'm making is you are trying to force a decision out of her. Let it go. You cant control the outcome. You can only work on you. IMO you are trying to force her to give you an answer. She probably really don't know what she wants. You have to let her work thru her own feelings in her own time. She is not on your time line. You do what you have too when you have too. The faster you trying to control your W and your Sitch, the faster things might move along.

[Jim1234]

Saw my W at a Halloween party last night and at the beginning of the night, for the reasons mentioned above, suggested just going forward with the refinancing. She said she thought that would be a good idea because she was feeling a lot of pressure.

A few times she came and joined conversations I was having. I'm not reading anything in to that, but it was nice to think she wasn't avoiding me.

Thank you guys for clueing me in to this aspect.

[Jim1234]

I've been thinking about how to protect myself without issuing ultimatums, and have a question.

We are stuck in a cell phone plan for another year, and agreed she would reimburse me for her cell phone. We also agreed that I'd keep the family plan at the YMCA, and she would give me money for that. She hasn't given me anything since she moved out in April. When I've brought it up, she whines about how the alimony and child support are less than her lawyer led her to believe it should be, and she didn't appeal it... etc.

How do I get her to reimburse me for these? My first inclination is to say "Give me the money you owe me or I'm going to cut off your cell phone and switch to an individual membership," but I have learned that would be a bad idea in my situation, i.e. another ultimatum.

[sandi2]

I don't want anyone to misunderstand what I'm saying here, b/c I often tell H's who have a WW not to finance her wayward lifestyle if he can help it. I believe there is a difference in facing consequences for my decisions and having someone else trying to emotionally pressure me to what they want.

I don't give financial advice, other than to say you should do what's best for you. Whenever you do something to intentionally try to pressure her into returning to the MR......then what would you have if she comes back? She will resent you to the hilt, and she'll figure out another way to leave you. It works much better to your favor if she comes back for one reason.........which is b/c she wants to save her M......and not b/c she's forced. If she's willing to save it, then her feelings and other issues can be worked through. If not, then you wouldn't have a MR anyway.

I think I can understand how easily it can be for a H to become controlling.......even when he doesn't realize that's what he is doing. I was raised in a time when men was definitely the overseer in the home and the workforce. Although we live in more liberated times today, I think it can be confusing for men to know where to draw the line between doing what's best for their family......and trying to control all aspects of their lives. I mean, his spouse and his children depend upon him in so many ways, and that means he needs to make wise decisions for the betterment of everyone involved. It's not an easy job.

How do I get her to reimburse me for these?

If your lawyer can't do anything to help, or if you'd be out more money in legal fees.......I don't know that it would be protecting yourself. Only you can decide if it's worth going to court or not. Personally, I don't think it's a wise decision to be in any financial contract/agreement with a ex spouse.

Should I not have said anything and just let the D proceed?

Are we still talking about the issue of controlling one's spouse? Perhaps it's the emotional frame of mind, but I see newcomers say things like this all the time......and it makes me want to pull my hair out. I mean, I only try to enlighten them on them on something, and they jump from one end of the spectrum to the polar opposite.
That's not staying balanced in the subject area, IMHO. For the record, I would not tell anyone to proceed straight to D without saying a word.......unless they just want the D. I would hardly classify it as controlling, but that's JMHO. However, I have seen all kinds of pressures placed on a spouse to stop an affair, stop a divorce, or a number of other things. As I've said, we can't "make" another person love us. Know what I mean? I think if my H said he wanted to D me for another woman.....I would open the door and show him the way out. I know if he had responded in like fashion when I was wayward, it would have snapped me back real quick. But that's another story for another time.

Anyway, I haven't answered your direct questions, but I hope I've cleared up some of your confusion.

[Jim1234]

Sandi, there was a lot of meat in your response and I hope you don't mind me taking some time to digest it and get back to you.

I'm not trying to pressure her into returning, but I don't feel like paying for her cell phone either. But all forcing the issue is going to do is antagonize her, driving another wedge between us, and make it harder to reconcile. I guess I'm having trouble figuring out where the line is between not fighting and standing up for myself.

Should I not have said anything and just let the D proceed?

Are we still talking about the issue of controlling one's spouse?

No, not controlling. The question really had to do with pointing out an option that might not really have existed when she filed, but violated the tenet of "do not bring up the MR".

[Jim1234]

Something else that's come up that I'm stressing over right now....

My WAW joined me and our mutual friends when we were out last Saturday. We briefly talked about plans for Thanksgiving, and the fact that the kids want to travel south to visit my rather large extended family, which is exactly what I would like to do.

She mentioned that would be fine, but and she had no intention of being excluded from family events any more (she wasn't invited to my niece's wedding this summer), which I thought was an extremely odd thing to say, but I was fairly intoxicated, so I let it pass. She mentioned talking to my brother's wife (call her "B") about it, but again, I was drunk, and let it pass.

Yesterday, I emailed my family to say the kids and I would like to come down south, and ask if anyone was planning on hosting Thanksgiving. B replied that she would be happy to host everyone, including WAW. It would be exactly like B to feel sorry for WAW and invite her to dinner with my family.

I'm pissed B would do this, my parents have said they won't come if WAW is there, and I'm not sure I want to go if she's there.

I need to distance myself from the relationship, but how can i do so if she keeps showing up like she's still one of the family?

[Holding]

I don't think it's appropriate for your WAW to go to Thanksgiving with your family. You should tell that to your WAW and B as well. But you can't prevent B from inviting your WAW, and you can't prevent WAW from going.

Maybe you and your parents will have to make alternate plans.

[sandi2]

Does your family know that your W has filed for a D?

Just taking that one statement from her about not intending to be excluded from any more family events, leads me to ask if she has been the type to bully her way through the MR in previous times. I mean, that's a pretty ballsy statement coming from someone that has filed for a D.

Why not call and talk directly to your SIL, and tell her you and W are separated and she has filed for a D, therefore, being under the same room during a family holiday would be very uncomfortable for you and your parents.

I just had the most impish idea. Show up at Thanksgiving with another woman. See how she likes those cookies! . (Just kidding).