When you put it like that, I can't really knock the system you have. Losing days over OM is a bad decision she choose to make and therefore should suffer the consequences. And if her plans are seriously messing up yours, then I guess you should be compensated. Treating your W like a business partner may blow up in your face at some point. But probably won't since your ahead on days and WS tend to not be the most responsible from what I have witnessed in my own sitch. This might not help bring back your W, but if your good with that risk keep it up.
Given the additional context, I can see why you don't want to switch days. (You're right to push back on the telling not asking part.)
Oh, and I wanted to clarify about the writing it down part. That's not to show her (at least not yet). It's to help you see how often it's actually happening (studies show that people often misremember things in their favor) and whether there is a pattern, so you can decide if adjusting the schedule would solve the problem.
However, it still doesn't feel right to me to "charge" her for no shows or schedule changes by taking away additional time with her children. To go back to your original post on this issue, I can see how she feels like you are punishing her and interfering with her relationship with the boys.
In terms of the specific no show you provided details on, I would have entertained my friend at my house while the boys were there, or left them home alone with money for pizza (assuming S15 was there with S11) and gone out as planned, or hired a babysitter and gone out as planned.
Any of those options seem acceptable to me.
For sure though, she doesn't sound like a great co-parent.
Have you discussed this issue with the family therapist?
And although I think it's great you make good use of your time with the kids, a good custody arrangement would allow for those sorts of activities and trips without days owed.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Hindsight being 20/20 its easy to come up with solutions for no shows. Maybe I'll be more resourceful as time goes on. In that particular incident I felt bad that my son's were "ditched" so being there for them was more important. My friend who was supposed to come over is not a great influence i.e. smokes, drinks like a fish, swears like a sailor, etc, etc. A great heart but not a fab example. And besides I get to misbehave a little when I'm with him. I'd prefer my sons not hear me laughing at dirty jokes, etc.
Yes, family therapy has happened. a few sessions with W, a few with the entire family, a few with just the boys and I. W is not interested in going any more. She's stated it's ok for a mediator, she does not want any relationship "help". The Dr was very clear that until we deal with her "fear" of me etc. We are not going to have a good relationship.
After these numerous posts - I certainly get the better sense of the punishment aspect. On the other hand. If that was not in place, you can bet, there would be more requests, etc.
M:50 W:53 MR:20 D:21 S:17 S:11 BD-Sept 2015 Suspected PA Sept 2015-Confronted W & OM Dec 2015 Actually EA In house Sep:Jan/16-May 2016 W moved out:May 22 2016 OM-Intro Oct/17-On scene July/Aug 2017
It feels like a punishment for her. But I see it being consequences for her actions. She chose to put off kids for OM. The consequence is she loses days. If her actions interfere with plans you have made. Then I can how she would owe you one. Especially if she isn't willing to return the favor. I see no issue with the arrangement. Your choosing to hamdle things like a business partnership. That is how you both agreed to coparent.
Thanks for you post. It means a lot. Yes, I can see why she thinks it's punishment too.
I'm really need to stop the chase game. It get's my crazy her defensive then we end up in R talk as opposed to just talking about the business topics. I've requested reg meetings, I've written her notes, emails, etc.
I need an out of the box suggestions. Who's got one?
M:50 W:53 MR:20 D:21 S:17 S:11 BD-Sept 2015 Suspected PA Sept 2015-Confronted W & OM Dec 2015 Actually EA In house Sep:Jan/16-May 2016 W moved out:May 22 2016 OM-Intro Oct/17-On scene July/Aug 2017
You don't actually "swap" days. You keep the kids if she has made other plans on her regular scheduled days, but you don't trade one your days with her. I think that was my confusion about it.
So, how would you feel if she got someone else to keep them when she was unavailable?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yes, that's it and interesting point. Yes, if I was unavailable D21 could stay with S11. Or if we had an agreed upon "next person". We'd have to work out the details I guess.
Sandi2 - any thoughts on how to break the cycle?
M:50 W:53 MR:20 D:21 S:17 S:11 BD-Sept 2015 Suspected PA Sept 2015-Confronted W & OM Dec 2015 Actually EA In house Sep:Jan/16-May 2016 W moved out:May 22 2016 OM-Intro Oct/17-On scene July/Aug 2017
After these numerous posts - I certainly get the better sense of the punishment aspect. On the other hand. If that was not in place, you can bet, there would be more requests, etc.
From where I sit, it looks as if you went from being a doormat to being somewhat controlling. About the only way you have, is with her being with the kids....and that is always going to leave bad feelings.
Is she still coming over to your house on her day to be with S11, or is she taking him to her place? As I stated a long time ago, that's not a good situation for either of you.
Where would D21 keep S11 if your W needed a sitter?
It just appears as if you have a lot of control, and whether you see it or not.....you are being punitive b\c she gives up time with S11 to see the OM. I can't blame you for those feelings, but I don't see her wanting to go back to you if this continues. With that being said, don't go extreme and think you need to apologize to her.
There are few who have made as extreme 180 in themselves as you, but I can detect a little punitive tone. I think I tried to mention it once before and you got a bit defensive. It's hard to see these things in ourselves......and the outsider doesn't know everything either. So, I'm just saying to consider it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
This is how I see the situation. Yes he may have went from doormat to extreme. But what is the suggestion for a middle ground? Often times the defensiveness comes in, because the forum tells us your letting her eat cake. And the next moment your trying to control her. But no one ever just helps you come up with actual ideas. Bigybiz is trying to come up with something that works for him. Because the encouragement on this forum is to focus on your happiness. And that is what he clearly is doing. The solution is for his W to stop passing up opportunities with her children to chase OM. Giving into her complaints is spoiling her to be honest IMHO.
It feels like a punishment for her. But I see it being consequences for her actions. She chose to put off kids for OM. The consequence is she loses days. If her actions interfere with plans you have made. Then I can how she would owe you one. Especially if she isn't willing to return the favor. I see no issue with the arrangement. Your choosing to hamdle things like a business partnership. That is how you both agreed to coparent.
The consequence is losing the one day. It's the loss of the second day that's the issue.
And he didn't say that all these times were for the OM. He charges the extra day for conferences, for example.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
