Journey to Acceptance

[25yearsmlc]

Coly,

(( HUGS ))

I have reflected a lot over the past few days and I can see that my behaviour towards H has not done me any favours. If I was my H I would think twice about contacting me for fear of coming face to face with miss needy knickers over here!

What will you do differently, from this day forward?

Before I met with H for coffee I really psyched myself up to act as if, to ensure that I let him lead the conversation and to then walk away with no expectations. But I blew it at the very last minute. Why can't I just be strong and walk away?

so you only have to change the last 5 minutes of the time, correct?

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Hey Sotto, yes, I can see now how I am repeating behaviours that just stand to drive H further away. I am so disappointed in myself, I really am. I think I just feel so incredibly hurt that he can just walk away and give such ridiculous reasons!


those are not the real reason. Stop asking. Seriously

I know H has always been susceptible to depression although he would never admit it, I could see some behaviours that indicated this throughout our marriage. I just chose to overlook them. I don't know if he has or ever will admit it or get any help.


Stepping back for a minute, removing the pain you are in for just a minute

how did YOU feel when he submerged into his depression or however it manifested?

How did it affect you?


AP! I have thought long and hard about how I have behaved in the past and I can see that I have so much work still to do to be a better person. However, as you say, I can't change myself for my H it has to be for me.

what is it you want to work on?


Interesting about your stbx saying she was disappointed that you didn't like watching sport. Like my H surely she knew this when she met you and chose to accept this? Same with my H. He knew I came from a very female environment. Four sisters and I went to an all girls school, so my life was never influenced by sport ( my poor Dad!). Whereas his whole life was influenced by sport in some way or other and he had every opportunity to have a relationship with a sporty girl but he never did. So now he has just thrown it back in my face!

do you honestly believe not being into sports was a big factor? Not just a justification he threw out when pressured? Anyhow, Back to what YOU want to work on in you,

how is that going?


Hey Ginger. I look back and I think I behaved exactly as you did with being a little passive aggressive. I have always been afraid to ask for what I want and as a result I also let the resentment build. I am trying really hard to address this issue as it is a family trait and I can see that present in my parents and siblings. We all do it in our family to a greater or lesser degree.


good insight. So how can you work on^^ this? I mean, do you have an IC to help? What would it look like to calmly say what you need, and be prepared to negotiate the difference?


You are right though, he is the one who can't accept our differences. Why should I give up something that gives me pleasure, like gardening, just because he doesn't like it.

why would you give it up? I mean, was it too time consuming? Did it really lead to you guys having 2 separate lives like his family?

How did you guys come together in the first place? What were you like when he fell in love with you?



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I have a little story which might explain how differently we see things. I have never been very good at running so I set myself a challenge a few years ago before I met H to run a 5k. I did it every year for several years and ran for a breast cancer charity. When I met H the first time he came to the race with me he dropped me off and then said he was going to visit at his parent's house and would see me after the race.

I was shocked and hurt! I expected him to join in with all the other families and friends who lined the streets and cheered us on.

But he said there was no point as he probably wouldn't see me anyway. The following year both me and D ran a 10k. He dropped us off and went for breakfast and again just saw us after the race.

**assuming you told him it was important to you**, [/i]then he was selfish not to go. I mean, Not MLC, in this situation, just selfish. Sorry to be so blunt


Fast forward a couple years H ran the London marathon and D and myself literally ran around London to catch a glimpse of him and cheer him on. Saying all this makes me realise that he has always had a selfish streak in him which I have accepted. But he can't accept my faults.


well let's get back to you. Not him. What do you want to accept from him?

IF you began dating a man who acted this way, how would you view him?

Thanks Peace. I really don't think I can trust myself to see him at the moment. I do think he has some unresolved issues but I think his whole family do. They are very closed and insular. They do not socialise outside of the family circle and I really do think they felt awkward around me and D. H's Dad spends most of his time in one room watching sport and his 49 year old sister who has never had a boyfriend let alone been married, still lives at home and sits in another room with their Mum. His parents do not go on holiday together, ever! Instead his mum and sister go away two to three times a year whilst his Dad goes away with his friends. His brother lives with his wife whome he has known since he was 16 and has two daughters. He tries to spend as little time with the rest of his family as he possibly can.

Not one of them has reached out to me since this has happened. Instead a few weeks after BD I called his Mum to thank her for a gift she bought D on holiday and she told me she thought H seemed happy!

Ouch

fwiw, my inlaws have not reached out to me in the year since h and I separated. My FIL has been in my life longer than my own dad. I felt semi close to him and close to my stepMIL.

They are not the reaching out types and many families don't know what to do when a couple splits. They feel it would be seen as disloyal to reach out, at least not before the Div is final. At the moment I'm in an adverarial role with their son.

Maybe your inlaws (who sound really weird, tbh) feel that way. I would not take it too personally, given your description of them.

Of the 4 former spouses in my family (i'm one of 9), I stay in touch actively, with one.

And from what I hear, that's unusual


Hey Pax, I think it will be much easier than I think to pretend H does not exist because that is exactly what he is doing to me! I don't care anymore. Like you say, I just need to focus and me and D and not waste my energy on someone who doesn't want it at the moment.

Hey SKM. You are spot on with the my thoughts running like crazy! I do feel that it is unfair that I am having to do all the worrying whilst he just drops in and out of our lives like he doesn't have a care in the world!


here is the thing. You do NOT "have to do all the worrying." Nope. That's a choice you do Not need to make.
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Clocks go back tonight so we get an extra hour in bed. Yippee!
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Get through the holidays without expectations (though he may reach out for a brief touch & go). And take care of your D!

It's got to be rough to feel rejected by the two dad's she has had.

How are your GAL? I don't recall them and I think GAL will help you detach and that's your challenge for now.

((( )))