25yearsMLC 10 Later I FILE D part 7

[Lovelyp]

What does Security mean to me and what did I miss in my m?


For ME, it means reliability and I can count on you. I did not see how much that was missing in my marriage, until recently. H never took a day off for our kids being sick and I had to pretty much care for the 2nd and 3rd child from day one, b/c h was a DOCTOR...and picked me up after the birth of our second child late, so I had been discharged for 7 hours and starving in an empty room the nurses gave me. He was at a different hospital and I could have had my parents pick me up! H never said he'd come at dinner time. Ugh, hurts just remembering.


yes, Security also means financial solvency - I don't want to be used for wealth anymore than a man does. But I don't want to worry about money the rest of my life, either.

*A man being a "good provider" meant a roof over my head, utilities on and food on the table, at a minimum. And It seemed more applicable & valuable when I had children, and at some biological level (which I would never tell my feminist friends about )

I did want to know that the basics were being met, and that h was working hard,

I agree that financial sovency and reliability are important attributes in a H. I would want those too at the minimum.

while I did the bulk of the nurturing. I needed to know he'd investigate scary noises in the basement - but I'd back him up! I valued that he was physically strong too. Like he can open the pickle jar, you know?

For me my H did the nurturing too but he was not strong both physically and mentally. I hate the fact that he ran away from me when I was delivering his child. He was the only family there and I really needed him to be there with me to make sure I will be OK.

And I think it was a division of labor we both just had.

Later on, he resented that d20 was "so needy" (and so hurt/angry at his prolonged absences) and he'd prefer to have changed the arrangement.

naturally He wanted to be totally welcome at home and never made to feel awkward, even if he created the alienation he resented by being gone SO MUCH.

I did my best to paint over all that, and in retrospect It's a regret I'll have to let go of.

I think you should forgive yourself. It is normal to want to paint a good picture so that the kids will not hate him. Sometimes it is ggenuine work pressure since he has to provide for the family. I feel though some H take advantage of the fact that the wife covers up their absence and abuse that by doing other non work activities.


I wish he knew that a parent's job is to assure the child of being loved, and to show up and to keep showing up, even when it's really hard.

of course, as for H's actual thoughts/feelings on these^^ matters, I don't know for sure, as he never, ever told me. Not once.

Back to the question of fidelity if we are in a committed r. (Otherwise it's just a lie, right?)

I see loyalty as a subset of fidelity- regardless of having a committed r or not.

That means No behind my back criticisms - especially of things he never shares with me, no disclosing private matters of mine/ours,

and he has to stand up for me even when the other person is "important". This is vital. A deal breaker if absent.

ANECDOTE as to why I feel this^^ way...

*H's mother was a religious bigot, which I did not know until our son was being baptized. H never said a word to her in my defense. But it's worse...

Turns out, when we got married, he had promised her we'd raise them in HER church.

(Uh, no, I had no idea such a promise was made.)


So while I thought she was a bigot at baptismal time, as she refused to go, she thought I had broken an important promise. Wow.

All b/c h was "conflict avoidant" when we were getting married. He never said a word to me or her.

And I only learned of this ^^ in passing after she died. He shrugged that she and I were not "that close b/c [he] promised her we'd raise the kids in her religion."

Like this^^ was not a huge bomb..."wait, WTF? You promised her what?"


So he ruined the r between his mom and me, and that affected the r's she had with our kids, which was pretty non existent. They have almost no recall of interacting with her.

Thats not nice.

Just so I get this off my chest, for the record,

I WOULD HAVE BEEN FINE WITH OUR CHILDREN GOING TO HER CHURCH

AND BEING BAPTIZED IN IT! I'd have done both churches. No big deal.

See the supreme irony?

And I'm pretty confident h learned nothing from that.

In fact, if I brought it up as some form of teaching point, he'd stare at me like I "can't move on".

and my s31 would say "mom, dad cannot learn a teaching point from you, or from his mistakes."

And s31 would be right.

But I digress...